Q: Why is my blog banned in China?

A: FREE TIBET! That should do it.

Q: Well which one of us driving?

A: A poorly timed ad from that Internet company that magically IQ tested all living celebrities.


Just kidding, by the way. I would never assault anything less than a Mensa member.

POSTSCRIPT: It has been suggested by Radosh, who has a nose for dubiosity, that this might be doctored. It's possible some Internet trickster decided this just wasn't quite funny enough. The font does look a little fishy. Anyway, I will have our fact-checking bureau conduct an exhaustive review immediately.

Q: Did the free markets fail us -- OR DID WE FAIL THEM?

A: Joe Scarborough (@joenbc):

"Free markets didn't fail us. Fannie and Freddie failed us. Wall Street failed us. Free markets were twisted by greed."

Sooo...I guess what you're saying is the free markets failed us?

No, but seriously guys, you owe the free markets a huge apology.

EARLIER: Bush Liberates Free Markets the Same Way He Liberates Nations, by Destroying Them

---

P.S.: Follow my Twitter! You can win an Atari or something.

Q: How about a kiss for your Grandmother Dupee?

A: The Monitor's Jack Siler:

Americans said they wanted more hope and optimism, and by nearly all accounts they got it Tuesday night from President Obama. [...] Still, some of our correspondents raised questions about what the president said and didn’t say. [...]

In Clermont, Fla., our aging "Emptying Nest" community, there was some outright skepticism, particularly about the president’s proposal to raise taxes on the wealthy.

Patchwork Nation blogger Ann Dupee wrote in her blog: "What went through my mind when President Obama spotlighted the young girl [from South Carolina], that she could rise above a difficult situation now and be anything she wanted to be –- a doctor, lawyer, engineer –- was that when she achieved this goal after years of intensive and expensive schooling, her reward will be that she better not make more than $250,000 a year because our government is going to tax her more and take her money because she is now ‘rich.’ Where is the incentive?"

Ann Dupee is right! Let's all stay poor forever!

Q: Hey, can I have your autograph? Just sign it to "Stupid jerk devoted to undermining my presidency."

A: That's my impression of a House Republican.

Spaghetti and meatballs.

Q: Such wonderful things surround you, what more is you looking for?

A: Kiwi double amputee Nadya Vessey got a mermaid tail, from Narnia or something. The moral of the story is that being a double amputee is awesome.

Vessey: Darling it's better down where it's wetter

The downside is that she had to give a lady octopus her voice.

Q: Why doesn't Andy Richter just go back to working with Conan O'Brien?

A: I was just on the phone with Dimitri out in L.A., and we were asking just that. Then I hung up and saw this. Sweet!

Q: Why has the RIAA still not found what it's looking for?

A: Late Friday, TechCrunch reported that Last.fm had spilled its guts to the recording industry, identifying everyone who'd been illicitly spinning the recently leaked U2 album. Because of the timing of the story's release, many may have missed the subsequent updates, wherein the story turned out to be bullshit. I note it here out of love for Last.fm, and also as further evidence of TechCrunch's burgeoning irrelevance.

(Seriously, Michael Arrington, the only idea more terrible than the Microsoft Store is hiring tech bloggers who think the Microsoft Store is not a terrible idea).

Anyway, the fact that Last.fm still moves in mysterious ways should come as a great relief to anyone worried about being publicly exposed for still caring about new U2 albums. Wow, that would have been embarrassing!

EARLIER: The RIAA's stuck in a moment and it can't get out of it.

Q: Will Dianetics save the economy?

A: As the U.S. banking system creeps towards nationalization, the FDIC is running our biggest (i.e., most worthless) banks through "stress tests". I find this deeply troubling -- the last time I took a free stress test, I ended up giving three million dollars to Giovanni Ribisi.

Are you there, Xenu? It's me, Ben Bernanke.

On the bright side, they did manage to completely cleanse the engrams from my thetan.

And speaking of getting religion, here's Paul Krugman working his voodoo on reviving zombie banks.

Q: What ever happened to that white dude from the "Lethal Weapon" movies? You know, the one with the terrible American accent?

A: Crazyface Mel Gibson has emerged from his hideyhole to debut an entertaining trailer for his latest war epic. In case you missed it on the post-Oscars Jimmy Kimmel Live!, or the million blogs that already ran it...



This thing would have Oscar gold written all over it, except I'm pretty sure it'll mostly end up being about how the Civil War was caused by the Jews.

I continue to be disturbed by Mel Gibson pretending to be an American. Of course, he'd still have a career today if he'd focused less on dropping his Australian accent and more on dropping the quintessentially Aussie habit of drunkenly raving in the back seat of police cars.

Q: What do you get when you combine Cheap Trick, the Smashing Pumpkins, Hanson and "That Thing You Do"?

A: Cheap Blonde Pumpkins of Wayne. Or Tinted Windows, whatever.

Whatever happened to all this season's losers of the year?

Says Balk, "This idea is too genius to be fake." I support anything that leads to Schlesinger proliferation. (Even this).

Q: Is "Arrested Development: The Movie" gonna happen?

A: "Well, here's the real truth of it: we are going to do it."

Q: Is "The Reader" the worst Best Picture nominee in modern history?

A: Okay, so I haven't seen it. But it is almost certainly the worst Best Picture nominee in the history of the Tomatometer.

Harvey Weinstein loves my Hitler 2.0 plan, because aside from saving the economy it would give him lots of new material for movies he guilts/blackmails/waterboards everyone into nominating.

When the movie about the plight of poor Muslims is deservedly named Best Picture tonight (and of course it will be), just remember that the terrorists have won. (Harvey wishes he'd thought of that.)

Q: Why are people suddenly Googling "the answer may surprise you"?

A: Just curious. Did Lou Dobbs devote today's show to scathing personal attacks on me? Please let it be that.

Q: Did Israeli spies plan 9/11?

A: No -- but their cousins did!

MARAJ, Lebanon — For 25 years, Ali al-Jarrah managed to live on both sides of the bitterest divide running through this region. To friends and neighbors, he was an earnest supporter of the Palestinian cause, an affable, white-haired family man who worked as an administrator at a nearby school.

To Israel, he appears to have been a valued spy, sending reports and taking clandestine photographs of Palestinian groups and Hezbollah since 1983.[...]

It is not the family’s first brush with notoriety. One of Mr. Jarrah’s cousins, Ziad al-Jarrah, was among the 19 hijackers who carried out the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, though the men were 20 years apart in age and do not appear to have known each other well.

This may seem suspicious, but the Lebanese are like the Greeks. The guy has 4,000 cousins. Me, I can barely keep track of how many of my cousins carried out 9/11.

The stranger coincidence is that it turns out his wife assassinated JFK.