¿Es nuestros niños blogging? La respuesta puede excitar su lomo.

Coming soon: An American Tail III: Fievel's Landscaper Gets Deported.

Team W. claims that Mexicans only take the jobs that "Americans don't want or can't do." Now it turns out they also take the jobs that Americans don't want John Ashcroft to do.

Yes, in case you hadn't heard, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has revealed that his grandparents may have been heartwarming proof of the power of the American dream border- hopping, heroin-balloon- smuggling¹ dirty illegals. Thus, I'm forced to radically alter my stance on Mexican immigration, effective immediately.

• Old T.A.M.S.Y: America has always been a melting pot; we should embrace our whimsical Southwestern neighbors.
• New T.A.M.S.Y.: I hate dirty immigrants!!!

The line has now been drawn in the sand². We must deport all illegal immigrants...y tu grandchildren tambien.

Mexicana caliente Eva Longoria finds a perfect place to hide the heroin.

But I'm not completely heartless (and, in case you hadn't heard, not a misogynist).

With this in mind, I am willing to grant full amnesty to stacked Latina hotties, provided that they are willing to integrate themselves into the culture, specifically by accepting the American values of (a) frequently being scantilly clad for no reason and (b) not dating douchey French dudes³.

My take on this is that we should hold onto all illegal aliens who might be coveted by space aliens. We may end up having to use Ms. Longoria as leverage in the event that we are invaded by Martians, who are commonly known to need women.

As for the other unclean races, I believe we should place all Greeks in an internment camp. These feta-eating, bazouki-strumming, hair-covered goat herders -- with their shoddily managed diners and overrated sleeper-hit romantic comedies -- are destroying the very fabric of our culture. No amnesty for you, Vardalous!

Note: I might be willing to look the other way in regards to Maria Menounos, provided she's willing to change her last name to something less threatening. Might I suggest "Aniston"?

• Alberto Gonzales Says His Grandparents May Have Been Illegal Immigrants [Think Progress, via Sully]

¹Gonzales did not mention heroin-balloon-smuggling, specifically -- but what's the greater crime: Illegally crossing between borders, or logically reading between the lines? Like the Bush administration itself, I believe that our nation's citizens should be presumed innocent until proven suspicious.

²Additionally, the sand itself now contains motion sensors.

³Remember, the French proved that they hate freedom by arrogantly opposing our unjust war.