Q: Did "Brokeback Mountain" make America faggier? (The answer may subversively titillate you.) The answer may surprise you!

A: Yes, yes it did. Turns out that all those midwestern cineplex owners who were too pansy-ass to screen Ang Lee's "Brokeback Mountain" were just trying to protect their customers' fragile heterosexuality.

Yessir, it's a scientifically proven fact:

You wish you could quit them...
BUT YOU CAN'T.

Watching cowboy-on-cowboy lovemaking really CAN turn you gay.

How do I know? The modern Oracle at Delphi (a.k.a. Google Trends) told me!

Google's new Trends feature, for those of you who missed my 6,472 earlier posts about it, allows you to create charts tracing the popularity of any given search term over the past couple years.

So: A Trends (U.S.) search for "brokeback mountain" produces the following chart for 2005-06:

Google Trends: "Brokeback Mountain"

No big surprises here. Google searches for "Brokeback" spiked first in early Sept. (see "A," above), when the film won the Venice Film Festival, and then exploded in Dec. ("B"), when its field-leading seven Golden Globe noms were announced.

Also take note of the spike that occurs just before "C," coinciding with the film's wide release on Jan. 13th (when it expanded from 683 screens to 1,196).

Here's where it gets interesting: Compare the above to the history of Google searches for "gay sex":

Google Trends: "Brokeback Mountain" vs "gay sex"

Incredibly, Google users' interest in gay-on-gay lovemaking appears to have nearly doubled, at the exact same time that the art-house sensation went wide.

Googling for "gay xxx" didn't even register high enough to be charted until that fateful weekend. Furthermore, searches for "gay porn" reached what was then an all-time high the exact same weekend that "Brokeback Mountain" peaked at the box office, Jan. 20-21 (the gay smut record would be broken again the following Friday)!

Google Trends: "Brokeback Mountain" vs "gay porn"

And yet even as interest in "Brokeback" itself has waned, the Internet community's curiosity about gay sex keeps on soaring to new heights (see chart #2, above).

What does it all mean? Simple: After years of fruitless efforts, Hollywood has finally turned you gay. God only knows what's become of your 11 younger brothers...

(Meanwhile, despite my living a few blocks away from Heath Ledger, and no matter how much time I spend reading Andrew Sullivan's blog, I remain oppressively, preposterously straight. Sigh. I blame the Snorg Tees model.)

5 comments:

Anonymous said...: What "Midwestern" theater owners? The only place I heard of was in Utah. That's not in the Midwest.; 3:32 PM, June 28, 2006
Dean Simakis said...: What kind of blogger would I be if all of my facts checked out?

Anyway, now that I live in New York, I'm obligated to refer to anything west of New England or east of California as "The Midwest."; 3:35 PM, June 28, 2006
Anonymous said...: "faggier" is offensive asshole; 6:45 PM, June 28, 2006
Brian Romero said...: "faggier" is offensive asshole

"asshole" is offensive fag; 8:01 PM, June 28, 2006
Dean Simakis said...: dear anonymous,

when i said "faggier," i was referring to the fact that "brokeback mountain" made more people smoke cigarettes. or as the british call them, "fags."

duh.

(people smoke more cigarettes because they're stressed out about having been turned gay and contributing to the moral decay of society.)

also, i hate jews. and the irish.

dean; 9:45 PM, June 28, 2006

Tuesday, June 27, 2006