Q: How bad does this blog suck?

A: So bad that nearly all of my posts now consist solely of promises that I'll blog more soon. But I mean it this time. I swear.

Thank you for your patronage and your patience. I know that you must be dying of boredom in my absense. In fact, based on my Site Meter, my entire readership is already dead.

So, since the only people reading this are the 30 possibly deranged dudes who google Alice the Snorg model everyday, here's some exciting Alice-the-Snorg-model news: Alice is now in college, at Auburn University. In other words, your masturbatory fantasies are now slightly less creepy.

Q: When is a Kiwi most delicious?
A: When it's already ripe

In a related development, lonelygirl15 turns out to be not 16, but 19, i.e. TOTALLY LEGAL. And she's not "Bree," daughter of maniacal religious fanatics, but rather Jessica Rose, from New Zealand, i.e., drunk and fun-loving, i.e., easy. In other words, you nerds totally have a chance with her -- and it won't even be statutory rape!

Unfortunately, it would still be regular rape. T.A.M.S.Y. advises that you stick to your current plan, i.e., googling her constantly and masturbating into a pool of your own tears.

Speaking of lonelygirl15 fans, John Green's second novel, An Abundance of Katherines hits the shelves today! And speaking of hot teenagers, the book is chock full of them!!!

(RECOMMENDED: If you haven't read John's much-acclaimed Looking for Alaska, get the two books packaged together from Amazon.com fo' cheap. For details, click here and check out the "Better Together" offer.)

More on John Green -- and my review of Katherines -- to come.