Q: Worst Internet porn search ever?

A: Approximately 99.99999% of this site's daily traffic can be traced back to very confused people and their ill-fated searches for pornography. After extensive scientific research, Hot chair-on-chair action.I've discovered the reason for this to be that The Answer May Surprise You is a Web site on the Internet.

I do check in on my SiteMeter now and then, just because I like to keep apprised of exactly what sorts of porn my readers are disappointed not to find. The prurient Google searches that erroneously lead to T.A.M.S.Y. commonly involve some combination of acts involving Alice the Snorg Tees model, Anne Hathaway, Lily Allen's 100% natural breasts, gay cowboys and/or Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Every now and then, someone out there discovers a new and unique path to not finding porn here — a search string so dimwittedly arousing, it can only lead to T.A.M.S.Y.

On that note, I'm pleased to announce that I've just uncovered what is surely the most adorably doomed porn hunt in the history of sexually explicit imagery. When it comes to bad Internet porn searches (as it so often does), this reader in New Delhi really takes the cake:


Did I say "takes the cake"? I'd like to amend that to "burns down the Cheesecake Factory." Somewhere in India, a bewildered adolescent is desperately in need of a serious talk. Or a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves, or a Playboy or something.

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RELATED: I wanted to have a talk with you all about the birds and the bees, but then I remembered that the birds are dead and the bees disappeared. I think Mother Nature is trying to tell us to stop touching one another. One step ahead of you, Mother Nature!

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POSTSCRIPT: It is perhaps worthy of note that the aforementioned bewildered Indian uses Microsoft Internet Explorer (version 6.0, no less). The 46.7% of my readers who still use Explorer for their Web browsing should consider this a wake-up call: IE is for people who need photographs to deduce where they put their pennis in women.

FWIW, T.A.M.S.Y recommends Firefox. For the love of God, please upgrade.