Q: How excited am I about this summer's "Transformers" movie?
A: Hey, good question. Before I answer, a few things to consider.
- Transformers is a movie based on a cartoon based on Hasbro's desire to sell more toys
. It seemed like a really awesome idea when I was five years old.
- Its heroes, the Autobots, are robots who transform into vehicles; its antagonists, the evil Decepticons, are also robots who transform into vehicles. Everyone saves a lot of money on parking.
- Its most beloved character, Optimus Prime, is a right-wing nutjob, known mostly for his:
- custom red, white and blue paint job;
- constant shout-outs to "freedom," "evil" (actual mottos: "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings," and "We will put out the fires of evil," which together comprise 85% of statements issued by the Bush White House);
- enormous guns;
- being not just a trucker, but part of a truck himself. If that doesn't scream red state, nothing does.
- involvement in U.S. military and hometown in rural Ohio;
- existence based solely on making money.
PHONE MESSAGE LEFT ON JON VOIGHT'S ANSWERING MACHINE: "Hey, Jon, this is your agent. Seeing as how you're an Oscar-winner and one of the great actors of our time, I have four great scripts I want to run by you. Okay: One is the eagerly anticipated sequel to Baby Geniuses; the second is an adaptation of one of the finest books ever written by Mitch Albom; the third is a made-for-CBS biopic where you'll be playing Pope John Paul II; and the fourth one is this thing about toy robots with the power to turn into common automobiles. Don't worry about the contract details, I already forged your signature. Okay, I should get going — I got 'til 5PM to pay off these gambling debts or they're gonna take my other thumb."- Hey, look, it's our old pal Shia LaBeouf! Still experiencing disturbances in the suburbs!
I like how he's wearing an authentic The Strokes t-shirt. Everything about this movie is so charmingly retro. - It's directed by Michael Bay.
Oh, hang on, the two just transformed into a negative twelve.
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one lonely comment:
when i was working at (unnamed merchandise company) i had the pleasure of conversing w/ the person responsible for obtaining tshirts & other stuffs for the movie and they specifically mentioned said strokes shirt as an example of what they were looking for! hahaha.
i am going to this movie not only b/c of my love for 80's cartoons involving robots turning into cars fighting for FREEDOM, but also so i can spot the set design that i am partially responsible for and then obnoxiously shout out "oooooh, i did that! i did that!" in the theatre. i'm classy like that.
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