Q: Oh Keith Richards, what WON'T you snort?

A: Pretty much anything he hasn't already allocated for injecting.

Richards: I snorted my dad's ashes, and they went down well

In an astonishing admission that might surprise even his fellow band members, who have become used to his wild and eccentric behaviour, Keith Richards said he could not resist snorting the ashes while high on drugs.

"The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father," said the 63-year-old in an interview with NME. "He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared, he didn't give a shit. It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

That's just preposterous. I am shocked and offended. I mean, there is NO POSSIBLE WAY that the other Rolling Stones could still manage to be surprised by a Keith Richards admission. Mick Jagger could walk in on him trying to snort the Queen, while she were still alive, and it wouldn't constitute a surprise. Come to think of it, the only thing that would have been surprising is if Richards were left alone with a powdery substance and didn't snort it.

Trust me, folks — I didn't spend 11 years at Cal Tech getting my PhD in Surprises to have some punk-ass reporter from England tell me what constitutes surprising.

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On a more tender note (if you can get more tender than doing lines of your dead father); and speaking of dudes who know their way around an eightball: Josh Hamilton.

Hamilton: White lines fade away.

The onetime top-rated baseball prospect — and latertime coked-up burnout — is getting a second chance (and a first chance in the big leagues) with the Cincinnati Reds. His debut at the plate today made for an adorable story.

By the time Hamilton's name was announced as a pinch-hitter at Great American Ball Park, the crowd was on its feet for an extended ovation that made him back away from the plate and break into a broad smile.

In that moment, he hadn't done anything yet as a major leaguer. It's what he had already accomplished in his personal life -- getting his cocaine addiction under control, getting his life back on track -- that made the crowd of 42,720 stand and cheer.

"I've never witnessed anything like that," Hamilton said. "I've never been part of anything like that. The way I'm feeling is hard to describe."

Now, T.A.M.S.Y.'s not exactly bullish on Hamilton's chances of cutting it in the bigs — but a story like that's enough to make even our cold, cold hearts all toasty.

So let's ignore for a moment that this story takes place in Cincinnati, and that the crowds were probably just cheering that he's white.

EARLIER: Just joshin', Cincy baby, you know I love you. Sort of.