Q: The truth? You can't handle the truth!

A: My friend Scotty J. in L.A. tried to pull an admittedly clever prank on me for April Fools' Day.

He first created a blog, The Truth About Dean, revealing "a few things Dean doesn't want you to know" (such as that I love to "sneak into stables and pretend he's Catherine the Great" or "dress up like a slut and crap Legos" [NSFW, sorta]). It's classic Scotty J.-style humor, which is to say it involves frequent references to bestiality, goat semen and sodomy. He even learned Photoshop for the occasion.

The Truth: Is out there. Like, way out there.

He then clicked on the Google AdWords link on my sidebar, and attempted to purchase all of T.A.M.S.Y.'s ad space for April 1st.

Unfortunately, he underestimated the amount of time it'd take Google to implement his ads, so they never showed up. He was forced to reveal his ad to me personally last week, at which point he began emailing me daily to remind me to mention it here. SO HERE IT IS, YOU BASTARD.

I should note Scott's claims are 100% untrue. For instance, he writes that "Dean is a two-time state wrestling champion. His strategy is a mixture of dryhumping and sporadic crying!" Anyone who knows me can tell you this is a blatant falsehood. A mixture of dryhumping and sporadic crying describes only my love life. My wrestling strategy is herpes.

In other words, the true Truth About Me is the same as it always was: ineffable, arousingly mysterious and always just out of reach. Oh, until Spock launches.

Meat Puppets
Unexplained
Songs in the Key of X: Music from... The X-Files, 1996

ANYWAY: Thank you, Scott, for your kind efforts to inflate my ad revenue and to plaster my beautiful face all over the Internet. I encourage everyone to join in the fun.