Q: Is former astronaut Lisa Nowak living the hundreds of miles High Life?

A: You can call Lisa Nowak a lot of things — crazy; a diaper-clad homicidal astronaut; a disgrace to NASA — but you CANNOT call her drunk in space. Or so says the man paid to lie on her behalf.

• EXCLUSIVE: Lisa Nowak Not Drunk in Space, Lawyer Says [ABC News]

Congratulations, ABC News, for boldly going where no other news network had cared to go before, or ever should have.

ABC News: What was you [sic] reaction when you first heard the reports of drunken astronauts in space? [Hmmm, me wonder if this exclusive interview was conducted by special correspondent Cookie Monster. -- ed.]

Attorney Don Lykkebak: Well, what bothered me about the reports is simply this: All of the news stories that I saw and even the one on ABC News linked my client Lisa Nowak with the reports of the astronauts flying impaired in space. What bothers me about that linkage is it's totally untrue. ... It's unfair and inaccurate as to Lisa Nowak.

To be fair to the previous news stories, I don't think they specifically accused Nowak of being drunk in space. I think it was more along the lines of, "Having already been disgraced by crazy diaper-clad homicidal astronaut Lisa Nowak, NASA is now drunk and crying alone on the moon."

BACKSTORY: Houston, We Have a Drinking Problem