Q: Is the U.S. military closing in on Osama bin Laden?

When the War on Terror is won next week, the streets
of New York will explode into joyous sexual assault.

A: Yes! As revealed by President George W. Bush yesterday, we are just one step away from capturing and exploding Osama bin Laden: we just need to figure out where he is. Stand by!

This so-crazy-it-just-might-work new strategy in the War on Terror — codenamed Operation: Find Out Stuff and Then Do Stuff — was outlined yesterday by Bush during a press conference with his Afghani counterpart and BFF Hamid Karzai. Read 'em and weep, terrorists!:

"I'm confident, with real, actionable intelligence, we will get the job done," said Bush.

Let me unpack that a little, for those of you who aren't brilliant political minds like myself: The phrase "real actionable intelligence" is military slang, derived from the English words "real", "actionable" and "intelligence" which essentially translates to "information that is so totally not fake that we don't ignore it."

Indeed, this administration will surely be celebrated as one of the best ever, as foretold by the prophet William Kristol, as soon as Bush begins taking actions guided by real intelligence.

Meanwhile, bin Laden must be rolling in his grave! Oh, wait, did I say grave? I meant "secret underground lair." Seriously, bin Laden is totally powerful and virile and alive and terrifying and not even slightly dead. I mean, think about it: If he were dead, we would never ever find him and then we'd be terrified forever. Good thing he's so alive! We'll find him Thursday I bet.