Q: Why is Dr. Alfred Kinsey not rolling in his grave?

Dr. Kinsey: Gives this study an F.

A: Because today's sex researchers are a total snooze. Look, if scientists have to put out a survey to establish that "men were less discriminating when it came to deciding who to kiss or who to have sex with," either they don't get out enough or they're reading too much College Callgirl.

Out of pure spite, I ran my own, much better study, surveying over six billion people on a number of issues. Here are some of my findings:

• Men are from Mars, whereas women tend to be from Venus.
  
• Men are more likely to leave the toilet seat up, but women take longer to get ready.
• Women often prefer shopping to watching sporting events on television. Take my wife. Please!
• Some guy who writes for Slate is better at math than some lady who writes for the New York Times.
• Black people are generally better than white people at basketball.
• Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.
• Please, give me back my wife.