Q: In the future, will everyone be a robot in a keg-discotheque for 15 minutes?

A: If you are part of the somewhere between 4% and 60% of my demographic that is related to me, you are going to love this video.

If you're not related to me, you are going to love this video anyway, because my family is adorable, and appearing as robots, for some reason, in a dream Kraftwerk had about the Heineken draught keg. Also it's short!


If you do not find my family adorable, or are terrified of us in man-machine form, I encourage you instead to focus on the lyrics, which are pure poetry.

You too can make a humorously unsettling video!!! of your family, friends, or especially I recommend exes. All you need¹ is a photo or four, and you'll have everyone born before 1976 believing you're a uniquely talented computer animator.

On a related note, remember never to buy Heineken. It's not very good.

PREVIOUSLY: I got Simpsonized and it was eerie.

---

¹ FYI, I couldn't get this working in Firefox, only IE7. The Internet is such an idiot.

Q: WTF ask why?

A: Bud Dry... humor.



[via crazy Sean McWASP]

Q: Okay, but will there be coupons?

A: From the CVS Pharmacy in-store circular:
CVS' motto is "Expect something extra." Kudos to their copy editor for living the dream.

Q: Is that a boom mic in your pocket or are you just happy to "Disturbia" me?

A: Not to disturb you, but please note that the disturbing suburban disturbance film Disturbia receives distribution to suburban (also urban) districts today, Friday the 13th (how disturbing!). Is it worth your six to eleven dollars? The answer may unsettletain you.

Disturbia: Every killer lives next door to someone, give or take.

A couple weeks ago, I mentioned an advance amateur review of Disturbia, in which the reviewer largely just seemed disturbia'd by what he referred to as an abundance of boom microphones:

"I have never seen such an incredible proliferation of visible boom microphones in any other movie. Seriously, there was a microphone visible somewhere at the top of the screen for almost the entire length of the film. At some points in the movie, more than one microphone could be seen at a time. I understand that things slip through the editing process but this was just ridiculous." [original review available in the vicinity of here]

In response to that post, beloved commenter Dashiell suggested "the boom mike problem is the fault of the projectionist, not the filmmakers," which I assumed was true. It is a little-known fact that, when you see a movie in the theater, you're usually not getting the complete contents of the reel itself; the projectionist cuts off a bit of the top and a bit of the bottom to fit it properly on the screen¹. Exactly how much is cut off depends on the film and the projectionist. I seem to remember reading somewhere that directors don't necessarily worry about boom mics slipping into the top of the frame, since it's assumed they'll be cropped.

But now I'm wondering if DJ Caruso, the director of Disturbia, might have taken that assumption a bit too far. The film hasn't even been released, and yet I've already noticed quite a small but not insignificant number of people (maybe one to two percent of my traffic over the past week) finding T.A.M.S.Y. by Googling things like "distubia microphone showing" or "disturbia boom mic".

Sarah Roemer: I'd boom HER mic!

Now I'm considering actually seeing the movie this weekend, just for the boom mics. Also maybe for Sarah Roemer's performance as "the bikini babe who conveniently decorates the pool next door."

Surprisingly, the critics don't hate it.

---

¹ This is why the Eyes Wide Shut DVD is not available in a letterbox edition; Stanley Kubrick shot it in full-frame. If the film looked "widescreen" when it first came out, it's only because the projectionist cropped it at the top and bottom to provide a larger, wider picture.

Q: Are ESPN and MSNBC having an affair?

A: If you get your baseball coverage from ESPN, you may notice something strange near the top of the redesigned recap pages.

Presented by MSNBC.com? I've heard of hardball with Chris Matthews, but this is ridiculous.

Keep in mind, ESPN is owned by ABC (or they're both owned by Disney, whatever). MSNBC is the lovechild NBC had with Microsoft. Also, ESPN is "the worldwide leader in sports," whereas MSNBC can barely be trusted with the news.

This is like McDonalds saying their Playlands were "brought to you by the Olive Garden." Or like Ticketmaster saying their... oh wait, I forgot, Ticketmaster is an illegal monopoly. But why would ESPN look to MSNBC for help in presenting baseball coverage?

Well, they wouldn't, and they don't. The baseball recaps are handled, as always, by the Associated Press. The "presented by" peacock is just part of the kajillion dollars MSNBC is pouring into its new "Fuller Spectrum of News" campaign (see, "A Fuller Spectrum of News" is, like, a play on words, because the NBC logo has a lot of different colors, and because they were worried that if they came up with a tagline that was catchy or memorable, too many people would start watching MSNBC and it might go to Joe Scarborough's head or something).

So MSNBC isn't really "presenting" these recaps, so much as they're presenting ESPN with many, many dollars. I don't have a problem with it, per se — it just seems a little strange. When coverage is "presented by" a news organization, it usually implies they, like, did the actual covering themselves.

NONESSENTIAL POSTSCRIPT: From the aforelinked recap page, check out the video of Jason Michaels' sweet/terrifying catch to seal the game for the Tribe (it's about halfway through).

Q: So what should we call this movie in which disturbing things happen in the suburbs?

A: Suburban Disturbance!

B: It's clunky. What else you got?

A: Disturbed 'Burbs!

B: Stupid.

A: Suburbisturbing!

B: No.

A: Disturbia!

B: JACKPOT!!!

At least, I assume that's how it went.

A member of the Cleveland LJ community just posted the news that Case Western's film society would be screening Disturbia for free Thursday. I thought I'd do some poking around on the Web to see if it'd be worth the zero dollars to check it out.

I was skeptical, because usually when you name your film Disturbia, it means no one's really trying. But the things I learned... may surprise you.

---

THREE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE FILM DISTURBIA

In this scene, Disturbia's stars — Shia "Would you like to buy a vowel" LaBeouf and Sarah "ROEMer!? I barely even KNOW 'er" Roemer — find themselves disturbed in suburbia.

1. It's called Disturbia, really. That's the name they came up with over at DreamWorks. Because it's set in suburbia. And it's disturbing. Disturbia. Official title. Too late to change it. Already bought the URL and everything.

2. The tagline for Disturbia is "Every killer lives next door to someone." Really.

DreamWorks, baby, c'mon. Are you fricking kidding me? Are you fridding me? Is this a tax write-off of some kind?

B: All we need now is a tagline.

A: What about "Every killer lives ne—"

B: Sure, whatever, who fucking cares. We need to find more cocaine.

#3: If you were getting the impression that no one was even trying here, I refer you to the advance review now on IMDb, entitled There was a boom mic in EVERY SINGLE SHOT:

I gave this movie a six because, despite the constant presence of boom mics, it actually got my heart racing once or twice and the acting was quite good. Seriously, though, there's a microphone in nearly every shot.

Q: Why am I crying tears of liquid magnesium?

A: During a very dark period of my life, I tried to kill myself. I took every pill in the bottle.

Unfortunately, the only bottle in the medicine cabinet was Flintstones Vitamins.

I shouldn't say "unfortunately." It really was a fortunate turn of events. Not only because I didn't die, but also because it turned out that the only reason I had been so depressed was my undiagnosed scurvy.

But taking an entire bottle of children's vitamins will do strange things to a man-child. I had a strange series of visions — some of which I videotaped, and then posted on YouTube.



Mmmmm... Dino wins indeed.

---

NOTE: This joke might be funnier if I didn't turn out to be the one millionth person to make it.

Whatever. Today's T.A.M.S.Y. is sponsored by Winston Cigarettes, because nothing will make you forget about your scurvy faster than lung cancer.

Q: How did Willy Loman bag such a hot, hot wife?

A: This is an actual screenshot of an actual ad I saw on an actual Web site:


You'd think the "Get a bigger cock!" was enough of a selling point on its own — but the manufacturers of this fine, totally non-fraudulent product (or method, or surgery, or religion, or whatever the "Lomans way" is) take it one step further:

Get your hands off of our sex symbol, you Commie bastard!

They're going to make you or your man a new man by Friday, man. And not inches. We're talking SIZES here — SEVENTEEN OF 'EM. You're going to have to buy your pennis a whole new wardrobe.

It's probably a good thing that Willy Loman died the death of a salesman. He never would have been able to hack it as an advertiser in this crazy, crazy world we call the Internets.

But even if the ad above explains why Linda Loman was so supportive of her crazyface husband, I still don't get how a writerly type like Arthur Miller ever reeled in Marilyn Monroe.

Dan Bern
Marilyn
Dan Bern, 1997

Maybe he was like her K-Fed, except if K-Fed won the Pulitzer. Oh, Marilyn died of crazy the year after their divorce. Just, you know, putting that out there.

RELATED: While you're waiting for your little Willy Loman to grow seventeen sizes, read about how, contrary to commonly referenced trivia, Marilyn Monroe was not really a size 16.

Q: Do you have insurance on this car, or are we being assaulted by a man in an eagle costume?

A: You longtime Chicagoans will apparently find this old ad charming and familiar, rather than hideous and disturbing.



Via Boing Boing.

Q: Should I stay or should I boogie?

A: ...is the best mash-up of 2007! So far! That I've heard!

Produced by DJ duo Loo & Placido, "Should I Stay or Should I Boogie" crosses the Jacksons' "Blame It on the Boogie" with the Clash's "Should I Stay or Should I Go." Pick it up over at Attu Sees All.

DID YOU KNOW? "...Should I Go" was the Clash's only song to top the UK singles charts — and it didn't hit #1 until 1991, nine years after the song's original release, on the strength of its appearance in an ad for Levi's denim.



UNRELATED: The Sea and Cake's Everybody has leaked, nearly three months ahead of its street date.

Q: Are True.com girls giving it out for free?

Advertisement:

Subliminal message:

Happy VD, beyotches.

NEXT. Q: Do True.com girls have lingering daddy issues?

-- UPDATED 4/7/08

Q: Want to see a ghost?

A: As far as viral marketing goes, this is pretty clever. Ironically, it's probably better than anything in the film it sought to promote.

Sorry for the slow trickle of bloggage last week. This week should be better.

Q: Stop, children, what's that smell?

A: You're very close to Newark. I'm just sayin'.¹

But if you're wondering why New York City smells unusually like gas today, the official answer is, Who knows!? It's just one of those things, like how sometimes the city smells like maple syrup, or weed, or homeless guy. These olfactory phenomena can't ever be fully explained, except for the last two.

The important thing is, according to Mayor Michael Bloomberg, "It may just be an unpleasant smell." In other words, you probably won't die.

Anyway, I enjoyed this fun fact from the Associated Press' coverage:

There was a small natural gas leak in Greenwich Village, but it wouldn't have been enough to account for the pervasive odor, Bloomberg said. He said the smell may have resulted from a leak of the chemical mercaptan, which is added to natural gas to produce its easily recognizable odor. By itself, natural gas is odorless.

Hey, you learn something new every day!

This has been a disaster, though, for the mercaptan industry, which was already sick and tired of the old lady upstairs asking why their offices smell like gas.

In retaliation, they quickly launched a series of feel-good ads:

It's all part of their new P.R. campaign, "O Captain! Mercaptan!" If that doesn't work, they can just go back to blaming Jersey.

---

¹ I wrote this before reading the Washington Post's very funny lede.

Q: How much more Peyton Manning can one nation take?

A: Get ready to find out.

Peyton says, "Click to enlarge."

On the bright side, at least he won't be singing "This Is Our Country."¹

EARLIER: My playoff predictions may surprise you.

---

¹ No, just kidding, he totally will be.

Q: Was that the weirdest, most eerily pornographic ad of the morning?

A: Of course not. We haven't even received a submission from Japan.

Here's the commercial for Manga Milk. I'm not really sure if it's safe for work, but let's go with "no."



See? That was way weirder. [via table of malcontents]

Lucky for you, you live in America, where milk ads are never creepy.

EARLIER: Q: Can good ads save sucky products?

Q: Can an awesome ad make even an inferior product tempting?

A: Yuh huh.

<span style="font-weight: bold;">IF YOU CAN READ THIS, you're not watching this. Visit TAMSY.</span>

I like a lot of things about this, but mostly just that Microsoft is hiring Dutch pornographers to film its commercials.

Q: Why did the GAP reject this Spike Jonze-directed ad?

A: Probably because people don't find terrorism as hilarious as they used to. Good commercial, though.

Q: What's the preferred method of birth control for the dad from "Cheaper By the Dozen"?

A: Uh, probably the rhythm method. But if he ever decided to switch things up, he'd certainly appreciate the time efficiency of Pronto condoms, part of the fight against AIDS in South Africa.



Because, like, the dad character really liked things that saved time. You know, in the book and stuff. Yeah, sometimes it's hard to think up titles for these posts.

Hey, another excellent way to protect yourself from AIDS is to move to Cleveland, interact with no women, and blog a lot.

Q: Do True.com girls have lingering daddy issues?

[original here]

PREVIOUSLY: Do True.com girls prefer it Brokeback-style?

Uhhh, seriously, is this pose supposed to be, like, hot?

Q: Do True.com girls prefer it Brokeback-style?

The subliminal meaning may surprise you

PREVIOUSLY: Does True.com have no shame?