Q: How shocking are these shocking new details about Anna Nicole Smith's life!?!?!

A: Um, not very. Except to Canadians. Oh, you sweet, adorable, innocent Canadians! T.A.M.S.Y. loves you so much, we want to suck the maple syrup right out of you.

BREAKING: Complaining about the preposterousness of Anna Nicole Smith coverage is now officially as boring as Anna Nicole Smith coverage itself.

Q: How are we dealing with Anna Nicole Smith's death?

A: Earlier this week, I lamented the fact that so many people were trying to make themselves believe Anna Nicole Smith hadn't died at all. So I'm relieved to report that I'm no longer receiving many Google hits for "Anna Nicole Smith alive". The first step is acceptance!

The next step is, of course, hosting a séance.


I tried calling her myself, but St. Peter said she was in the bath.

Q: Is Anna Nicole Smith our generation's Elvis?

A: Aside from the struggles with drug abuse and weight fluctuation, dead sex symbols Anna Nicole and Elvis might have something new in common: not being dead.

Or more specifically, crazy people thinking they're not dead. That's the impression I get from T.A.M.S.Y.'s newly most popular Google hit: anna nicole smith alive.

Both Smith and Presley famously enjoyed phoenix-esque resurgences, so maybe we shouldn't be surprised if America's still waiting for the most unlikely Comeback Special yet. A nation can dream, can't it?

---

RELATED: Thanks to you, beloved readers, for making last week T.A.M.S.Y.'s second-most-visited, most-commented-on week ever. At this rate of ad-revenue growth, I'm certain I'll be able to retire comfortably by 2044.

RELATED #2: As I finished writing that, I received an email saying I'm one of the finalists for my most recent submission to Overheard in New York's ongoing headline contest. I can't even remember what my entry was, but suffice to say it was probably disgusting.

Anyway: Welcome, OiNY readers! Please enjoy your time here, and For Fuck's Sake, Buy Some Wine^TM.¹

---

¹ This message brought to you by Wine®. Wine^®: It Gets You Drunk^TM.

Q: Is Anna Nicole Smith alive?

Anna Nicole Smith, R.I.P.

A: Yikes. No.

UPDATE: Stop defacing her Wikipedia entry, you detachedly ironic bastards.