The Answer May Surprise You
Showing posts with label basketball. Show all posts
Showing posts with label basketball. Show all posts

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Q: Why can't American athletes get their priorities straight?

A: You may remember, after the Nets beat the Cavs in Game 5 of the second round of the NBA Playoffs, LeBron James telling reporters, "It's just basketball for me. I've got a family to worry about."

WRONG! It's like I've always said, "No matter how sweet personal life is, it can't be compared to the exultation of capturing glory for one's nation."

In fact, I have it tattooed on my inner eyelids.

EARLIER IN CHINA: Hurray for executing the insolent!

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Q: Will you be watching when?

A: Of course you will be watching when! You owe it to beautiful Northeast Ohio to be watching every minute of when. Or at the very least until.

When begins Thursday night in San Antonio at 9ET. And then there is the question of,

Can LeBron James save Cleveland? The answer may surprise you
In the short term, I remain cautiously pessimistic.

So I have a bunch of things to blog about today, including but not limited to Gitmo, terror, Phil Spector, Paris Hilton, the pole-vaulting sensation whose life I ruined, my ongoing job search and whether you're doing enough to help, and my scintillating Cavaliers/Spurs analysis. All of which you can look forward to sometime between now and your death.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Q: What happened to the Sands?

A: Hey, remember that episode of Full House where Stephanie and DJ Tanner won $100,000 from a slot machine at in Lake Tahoe casino, and then their dad made them give it back to teach them an important lesson about underage gambling?

Danny Tanner sure was an idiot. He could have used that cash to get Michelle a much-needed college education. On a related note:

Casino told to fork over jackpot won by minor [Reuters]

Macau's gaming bureau has ruled that the Sands Macao casino — operated by U.S. gaming giant Las Vegas Sands — must pay an under-age player's HK$740,000 ($94,900) jackpot winnings to her mother, a local daily said on Saturday.

The Gaming Inspection and Coordination Bureau — Macau's gaming watchdog — made the decision after meeting the 16-year-old girl and her mother, Hong Kong's South China Morning Post reported.

The Hong Kong teenager was playing at [the] Sands on Tuesday with her mother and grandmother, the paper said. She put HK$100 into a slot machine, and it stopped on the winning number.
Uncle Jesse Katsopolis could not be reached for comment.

By the way, I kind of get the feeling that Reuters has never actually been in a casino. It "stopped on the winning number"? Was it a roulette-themed slot machine? This sounds like the easiest $100,000 jackpot ever. No wonder the Sands Atlantic City went bust.


PAS/CAL: Left us out in the cold?

SHODDY TRANSITION: Hey, speaking of what happened to the Sands, what happened to Detroit indie poppers PAS/CAL? They were supposed to release their debut full-length, Citizen's Army Uniform, two months ago; but two months ago has come and gone, and the LP hasn't so much as leaked yet. Curious.

Anyway, Tiny Mix Tapes says the album will revisit a couple of old PAS/CAL songs, including this old T.A.M.S.Y. favorite:

PAS/CAL
What Happened to the Sands

Oh Honey, We're Ridiculous [EP], 2004


SHODDIER TRANSITION: The Brothers Maloof do not own the Sands. They do, however, own the Palms, as well as the NBA's Sacramento Kings. The Palms is a great casino. The Kings are not a great basketball team. They are, in fact, in last place.

Joe Maloof recently referred to his team's coach, Eric Musselman, as "inexperienced." It is generally not a good sign when you are one of the highest ranking employees of a company, and your boss refers to you as "inexperienced." It is also not a very good sign for your boss, especially if he's the one who hired you. So it wasn't long before the other Maloof stepped in to clarify the issue.
"He's still our coach, plain and simple," Gavin Maloof said. "It's still what it's always been. We're behind him, and that's the way it is. We're going to move forward until he's not our coach. That's the way it's always been. We're behind him, and that's the way it is."
So don't worry about your job status, Eric! Plain and simple, you are not going to be fired until you are fired.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Q: Why are PETA members cancelling their NBA season tickets?

A: Haha, just kidding! Emotionally crippled hippies don't care about sports. They're trying to reject their fathers, not bond with them, duh.

But in a fantasyworld where PETA members did buy NBA season tickets, they almost certainly would be cancelling them now that commish David Stern is doing an uncharacteristic 180 and returning to leather balls, reports ESPN.com's Marc Stein:

It might be the most stunning ball reversal in hoops history.

Not even three months into the life of its controversial synthetic basketball, NBA commissioner David Stern moved Monday to hush scores of discontented players by shelving
Spalding's new microfiber composite ball and authorizing a switch back to the old leather ball for all games starting Jan. 1.

"Our players' response to this particular composite ball has been consistently negative and we are acting accordingly," Stern said in a statement. "Although testing performed by Spalding and the NBA demonstrated that the new composite basketball was more consistent than leather and statistically there has been an improvement in shooting, scoring and ball-related turnovers, the most important statistic is the view of our players."

Hahahaha, everyone's in a joking mood today! Oh, wait, he was being serious. Odd, considering it was just six weeks ago that ESPN's Chris Sheridan wrote, following a conversation with Stern, "No matter what the players say, the new NBA ball is here to stay."

See, what Stern really means to say is that the new ball (which PETA really did try to take credit for, by the way) is causing actual injuries. It's not the pain that'd concern him so much as the fact that having Steve Nash's hands fall off would be bad for business. Stein continues:

ESPN.com reported Friday that league officials began contacting all 30 teams late last week to start gauging its supply of leftover leather balls from last season in case the decision to switch came quickly.

The hope now, according to sources, is that the league can get a playable supply of leather balls to each team by Christmas...

Say, that might be a tall order -- maybe even too tall for the NBA! Didn't Isiah Thomas trade the Knicks' stash of leather basketballs for a set of Lincoln Logs and Brian Scalabrine or something?

Holy mother of God... this is a disaster!! How will the league EVER be able to find so much leather -- and at the height of the frantic holiday shopping season!?!?!

BREAKING: DISASTER STRIKES NBA! SEASON TO BE CANCELLED! CHRISTMAS IS RUINED!!!!!


LeBron saves Christmas for the NBA, slaughters cows[click to enlarge]


Well. Well. Well.

Look who's gone and saved the NBA's sorry ass once again. Oh Bron-Bron -- you're T.A.M.S.Y.'s hero!

(But probably not Susie's.)