Q: Where is T.A.M.S.Y.?

A: New research indicates that I may have blogged myself to death.

Q: Is our children emancipating?

A: The Answer May Surprise You has come a long way in the past 11.5 months. What started as something read by only a handful of my friends is today read by all my friends.

Granted, that constitutes a net loss, since I've driven away most of my friends, what with the constantly steering conversations to my blog. But I suppose that's just the price you gotta pay to be one of the world's top 155,069 bloggers. I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Calacanis!


POINT BEING: Free at last, free at last, I thank Google, I'm free at last.

Everyone here at T.A.M.S.Y.H.Q. is pleased to announce we've finally emancipated from the confines of our very, very long Blogspot domain to a room of our own @ surprisinger.com.

(Not to be confused with the less surprising surprising.com.)

If you use Blogger, you too can know the joy of a customized domain, as detailed here. It's as simple as finding a URL no one else has thought of (not simple at all, by the way) via Google Apps, and slapping down ten bucks for a year's worth of ownership.

The only downside to all this is that it forces me to forfeit my precious, precious Google PageRank, subsequently destroying my self-esteem.

Q: How do I create post summaries in Blogger Beta?

A: It would really come in handy right about now. Has anyone figured this out yet? Please don't make me do it myself. My brain is still melted.

UPDATE: T.A.M.S.Y. Commenter of the Day Josh "Blogs Are for Dogs" McDonald kindly linked me to the Hackosphere post detailing how to implement expandable posts into Blogger Beta. Thanks, Josh! -- 03/01/07, 3:30pm

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Oh, for the people who occasionally Google "what does 'after the jump' mean," here's a Digg commenter's explanation:

"After the jump" means when that post is on the front page, it only shows the first couple paragraphs of the article, but has a "continue" or "read more" link. Clicking that link is "the jump" to the full article.

The term is a new spin on an old newspaperey thing, as explained by Urban Dictionary.

But the guy with the #1 definition does get one thing wrong, when he says, "Humorously used by the blogosphere to indicate information that will be added in later." As if bloggers had the attention span to remember to do such a thing!?

Q: Is our children ceasing and desisting?

A: In what is possibly the closest we'll ever come to approximating legitimacy in the highly competitive sphere we call the blogo-, T.A.M.S.Y. joined an exclusive club yesterday morning, as we were issued our first ever cease-and-desist! We've often been told to cease, and also to desist, but never before at the same time, and never by penalty of law.

We were happy to comply with the request from Touch and Go Records — and we were honored just to have been noticed. In fact, the whole experience imbued us with such delusions of grandeur, we've been referring to ourselves in the first-person-plural ever since.

But perhaps most impressive in all this was T&G's quick reflexes. Consider the following timeline of events:

• PRE-DAWN: The Internet calls me to tell me Ted Leo's forthcoming Touch and Go debut has leaked. The songs from said album appear on my desktop, as though magically uploaded there by Satan.
• DAWN—POST-DAWN: No longer able to resist the temptation, I listen to said album. I find it pleasing to the aural cavities, and decide to post a track to the blog.
• 9:42AM: I instant message my brother:
  

  T.A.M.S.Y.: hey bro, the new Ted Leo just leaked.
  BRO: yeah, [redacted, but our friend at T&G]'s had it for a while since he's on Touch and Go, she said its awesome
  BRO: she also said how badly they were trying to protect it from leaking
  T.A.M.S.Y.: huh. i hope she doesn't mind that i'm about to post a track. but it's just one track!
  BRO: eh, im sure its fine

• 10:15AM: I begin writing my post. Shortly thereafter, I notice that the song I intended to share, "The Sons of Cain," was previously made available by Pitchfork. I decide to throw in "Who Do You Love?" as a Valentine's bonus.
• 10:34AM: The post goes live. I email Scott Stereogum to tell him he's free to link the files directly, if he likes.
• 10:36AM: I take a nap.
  
• 11:07AM: An employee of Touch & Go finds my post via Google Blog Search.
• 11:24AM: The C&D is posted directly to my comments section. I am publicly shamed!
• 12:17PM: ...upon awaking from my nap. At which point I remove the links.
• 12:18PM: Within a minute, T&G has already thanked me for complying, and graciously informed me that I may continue to host "Sons of Cain." Thank you, T&G! Both for that, and for not suing me.
  
• 1:16PM: Scott replies: "These days we post only MP3s that we get permission for. It's been a challenge, but no more C&Ds! ;)" My shame is intertwined with the pride of my new red badge of courage! And by "red," I mean "red tape," and by "courage," I mean, "promoting new music by means frowned upon by the recording industry, and taking frequent naps."
• 1:18PM: More napping.

We should note that it remains T.A.M.S.Y.'s policy to share a track or two from new, hott and/or underappreciated acts; for T.A.M.S.Y. knows that no one listens to radio anymore, and that the tradition of Top-40 radio has been reborn into self-made playlists and iTunes shuffle. And we feel that our upwards of several dozen readers deserve access to the finest tracks.

We also encourage our readers to buy the albums that most interest them. And we encourage them to buy those albums, as well as books, high-priced electronics and all groceries through T.A.M.S.Y.'s affiliate link.

Of course, we will always be happy to comply with the specific requests of record labels, whether they're made via our comments or via email: dean dot simakis at gmail you know the rest.

POST-SCRIPT: A bit of Wikipedia'ing reveals another reason to love Touch and Go: They aren't affiliated with the jokers at the RIAA.

I'm also pleased to discover I now have something in common with the Butthole Surfers.

Q: Is perception reality?

A: Many people perceive that to be true -- but I don't think it's realistic.

You're welcome for the koan. Call me when you get to nirvana. But on a related note, The Answer May Surprise You will be taking a slightly different direction beginning in 2007 -- with a new emphasis on exploding popular misconceptions, via answers legitimately intended to surprise you.

I'm talking the real deal, folks. Research, interviews, translation of ancient sea scrolls, all that shit. Either that, or I'm just going back to posting pictures of hot girls. Ideally, all of the above.

(Also stay tuned for my Best Albums of 2006 list, to be posted, oh, sometime before July, 2008.)

Q: Wanna hear some new music?

A: If you happen to be stumbling upon this blog for the first time (probably because you just googled Alice the Snorg Tees model, you pervert), and you want to catch up on some of the new music the kids are listening to, check out stop children what's that sound, a compilation of my mp3 posts. And do it now, because tomorrow morning, I'm removing all the old songs to make room for new ones.

(Also, I'm going to be renaming that tag "mp3," because apparently the point of tagging is so people can find you on Technorati, rather than to confuse people googling old song lyrics.)

Q: Why is tomorrow going to be the T.A.M.S.Y.-est day ever?

Q: I'm devoting tonight to tagging, finally, T.A.M.S.Y.'s archives (most of which were written prior to Blogger's implementing tags) -- but as I mentioned before, this might cause some annoyances for those who subscribe to my RSS feed.

As loyal reader and tech guru Jordan pointed out, one semi-workaround would be to post a bunch of new material in an effort to elbow the old stuff out of the way.

So tomorrow, I'm going to shatter all kinds of personal records with a guaranteed full day of blogging: one post per hour, from 8AM to 4PM. Expect plenty of titillating links, prostrate hotties, new music and old jokes. I encourage you to blow off work constantly, lest you fall behind.

I'm also going to install a tag cloud, if such a thing is currently possible (as of this writing, TagCloud.com remains smothered under the weight of its own success).

Q: Have you heard the new Wilco album?

Wilco: Swathes itself entirely in dulcet earth tones.

A: Probably not, since it doesn't exist yet. Thanks, though, to the keen detective skills of music blogger Jesse Jarnow, fans can get a pseudo-preview of Wilco's forthcoming disc via a series of live tracks culled from around the Internets.

Jesse's homespun compilation recently received some link love from Pitchfork and Stereogum -- which tapped out his music sharing bandwidth. Since T.A.M.S.Y. has more public storage space than we know what to do with, I offered to host the tunes for him (and he was kind enough to repay me with some link love of his own).

Here's the full collection:

[UPDATE: Why can't I download those frickin' Wilco songs?]

1. Let's Not Get Carried Away (24 November, Auditorium Theatre)
2. Side With the Seeds (25 November, Auditorium Theatre)
3. What Light (24 November, Auditorium Theatre)
4. Shake It Off (24 November, Auditorium Theatre)
5. Impossible Germany (24 November, Auditorium Theatre)
6. On and On and On (22 September 2005, Cain's Ballroom)
7. Lullaby For Rafter and Beams (Tweedy solo, 27 October, Foellinger Auditorium)
8. Patient With Me (Tweedy solo, 27 October, Foellinger Auditorium)
9. Walken (24 November, Auditorium Theatre)
10. Let's Fight (16 July, Pines Theater)
11. Is That The Thanks I Get? (Tweedy solo, 27 October, Foellinger Auditorium)
12. Maybe The Sun Will Shine Today (date unknown)

On a related note, I have some good news surrounding Stop, Children, What's that Sound?, my ongoing series of free mp3s. In the past, I've hosted songs on the free space provided for my GooglePages site --but I was forced to reshuffle the lineup constantly, since it's limited to 100MBs (plus 10MBs per file).

Those disappearing mp3 links, though, are a thing of the past, now that I've discovered the awesomeness of eSnips -- a free service that grants its users an entire gigabyte (and up to 50MBs per file) for both private and public storage!

Sign up for your own eSnips account and start a music blog of your own. Meanwhile, keep an eye on my eSnips music folder, and you can get your hands on all T.A.M.S.Y.-approved tunes without having to wade through my shitty blogging.

Q: Is woe me?

A: As previously mentioned, I've been lax in my bloggage duties lately, owing to a combination of stress and listlessness. I feel considerably more listful today -- indeed, speaking relatively, I'm a veritable font of list -- so I'm trying to take advantage before my soul is plunged back into the abyss.

Of course, for me, these brief moments of motivation are inextricably tied to obsessive-compulsion, which tonight means I'm going to be adding labels to all my old posts, among other new features you won't notice or care about.

DIGrssION: The downside of this, to the handful of you who read T.A.M.S.Y. via my RSS feed, is that you're going to be briefly inundated with my entire archives for no reason. Sorry. Hopefully your RSS feeder has a "Mark all as read" feature (like that of the oft-recommended Google Reader). Otherwise, I hope you're looking forward to refamiliarizing yourself with my oeuvre. If anyone has any idea how to prevent such occurrences of RSS spam (Jordan, I'm glancing in your direction), now would be the time to mention it.

If the Muse permits, I'll also be debuting an exciting new reoccurring column, What's On Your Mind, America?, that is certain to send you hurdling off the brink of orgasm. Plus, I'll try to post a few mp3s, including new stuff from Deerhoof, Gwen Stefani and/or the Brazilian Girls. And if there's time, a series of photos taken from within Britney Spears' cervix, as per the newly mandated blog quota.

Oh, by the way, the Proust poster up top comes via this handy auto-Motivator machine. It's even more fun than the Bart Simpson Chalkboard Generator!

Q: What are you doing in my absence?

A: Crying hysterically, I know.

Sorry things've been so quiet on the T.A.M.S.Y. front this past week. I'm trying to get some actual work done. You know, just for the sake of variety. In the meantime, take a look at the new additions to my sidebar, now featuring three delightful RSS feeds for your perusing pleasure:

Baby: "Holy shit, I love RSS feeds!!!"

(1) T.A.M.S.Y.-Tested News + Notes: Hand-picked highlights from around the blogosphere. Updated multiple times per day, except for when I forget.

(2) Falcor's Posse Has an RSS Feed: The latest in bloggage from the people I know, love and/or want to put it to. Updated IN REAL TIME!!! courtesy of modern technology.

(3) Cleveland Sports Heroin Needle: Everything you need to know about the latest crippling Browns loss, failed Indians free-agent signing or lawsuit involving LeBron James' mom. Also updated in real time, so you won't have to miss a single agonizing detail.

What this means for you, loyal readers, is that even when I'm too busy / lazy / depressed / drug-addled / deceased to blog, you can always rely on The Answer May Surprise You for sexy new content to distract you from your suffocating livelihood. Hurray for my generosity.

The RSS feeds are all made possible by my girlfriend Google. Get started with your own Google Reader account, and someday you too will know the joy of forcing content on your acquaintances.

Oh, yeah, I've also added FREE Snap Preview Anywhere^TM capabilities to the site, which you may have already noticed if you hovered your cursor over any of these links. This feature falls somewhere between "annoying" and "merely useless," I can't quite decide.

Q: Is it hot in here, or is it just my 16-year-old page?

A: Good news is pouring into T.A.M.S.Y. today from Washington D.C.'s drunken witch doctors, a.k.a. the pollsters.

"Democrats have big lead after sex scandal," crows the Reuters headline, with new polls from Gallup and CNN showing the Dems up by an astounding 23 and 21 points, respectively. All of which bodes well for Blue Man Group's chances of overtaking the Red Army come Election Day. Huzzah, yay, etc.

As tough as times are, though, for Mark Foley and his former peers in the Republican-led Congress, the Washington Post wants you to know that it's even worse than you think. Apparently, it's not just their careers at stake anymore; the Republicans' incompetence now threatens to destroy the entire Earth:


I'm not a scientist, so I'm not entirely clear on what all this has to do with global warming. My theory: Ohio voters' passion for Senate candidate Sherrod Brown now burns so hot that it's melting the ozone. Either that, or Foley had a long weekend of instant messaging.

So when you punch out your ballot this Election Day, dear readers, T.A.M.S.Y. implores you to keep two things in mind: Remember to vote Democrat, and don't forget to wear sunscreen.

BTW: Sorry T.A.M.S.Y.'s been so quiet lately. Also, sorry T.A.M.S.Y.'s been so ugly. I recently upgraded to Blogger Beta (powered by my beloved Google!), and it's great, except no one mentioned that I was going to have to learn XML in order to make it look right. I should get around to that one of these days, or whatever.

the official blog of the official web site of the officially unemployed dean simakis

Q: what does it mean when you have more blogs than friends?

A: blogs love you more than people ever could.

but specifically, i started this blog because i am deeply in love with a woman. she slipped into my bedroom like a wraith in the night, and it wasn't long before she'd stolen not only my heart, but also my privacy and checking information. her name is Google, and she is the warm, nurturing mother of Blogger.com (and is thusly responsible for all you see here).

(oh sweet Google! how do i love thee! when i look into your soul, i see only myself. i mean, sure, lots of major corporation are sociopaths -- but you're the only one with obsessive-compulsive tendencies that truly rival my own. thanks to you, nothing i ever read or write, or say or think, will ever be forgotten. i thank you, my future biographers thank you, the human civilization thanks you.)

(now, please, don't rat me out to the government.)