Q: Would you like to see China's hairiest man?

A: No, you don't. Seriously. You really don't want to see China's hairiest man. But thanks for asking.

(And just in case you're curious, it's not that he's nude, or involved in anything sordid, aside from being visible; it's entirely safe for work, at least in the sense that it can be considered safe for anywhere, which it can't, which is why you don't want to click here, trust me.) [via Scott]

Cousin Itt: Is not China's hairiest man

The only thing worse than being China's hairiest man, by the way? Being China's hairiest man and still needing a toupée.

Anyway, China has like a billion starving people to worry about. Do they really have time to be going around figuring out who the hairiest person is? I mean, not that there was any competition. Because Jesus.

Q: Why can't American athletes get their priorities straight?

A: You may remember, after the Nets beat the Cavs in Game 5 of the second round of the NBA Playoffs, LeBron James telling reporters, "It's just basketball for me. I've got a family to worry about."

WRONG! It's like I've always said, "No matter how sweet personal life is, it can't be compared to the exultation of capturing glory for one's nation."

In fact, I have it tattooed on my inner eyelids.

EARLIER IN CHINA: Hurray for executing the insolent!

Q: Are you happy now, Consumerist?

A: Faced with dwindling international confidence in its occasionally poisonous exports, China erred on the side of caution and executed the former chief of its food and drug administration. PUBLIC RELATIONS CRISIS = AVERTED! HURRAY!

Of course, if the president prime minister shadowy cabal that runs China had really wanted to impress the West, they would have handled this the American way: by commending the FDA chief for his magnificent work, and then promoting him.

Q: Awkward-est blooper since the overcaffeinated "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" kid?

A: You remember Too Much Coffee Lad, right? Well, this quick clip from TechTV nearly matches it in cringeworthiness...



...but neither comes anywhere close to the pain and awkwardness experienced by the Chinese stage model who recently dropped a ancient mirror worth a million bucks on national television.

Ever wish a single moment could've lasted forever? Yeah, her too...

T.A.M.S.Y. still loves you, unnamed Chinese stage model.

I don't think the clip's leaked to the Internet yet. Or maybe I'm just afraid to check. [story via Table of Malcontents; TechTV blooper via commenter on Digg]