A: I don't know, but it terrifies me to find out.
Will the prophecies be fulfilled? Or will your months of constant worrying be proven valid? Is this blog still running? All of these answers and more, on the next scintillating edition of T.A.M.S.Y.
Talkin' baseball: Why, don't mind if I do.
M# = 163 - Wteam-1 - Lteam-2Thus the Cleveland Indians' Magic Number over the Detroit Tigers, per today's standings, is (163 - 83 [CLE wins] - 66 [DET losses]), or 14.
A: The results of our first reader poll are in! Sorry for the delay; it took me some time to parse the data, as I was overwhelmed by the massive response from six of you, or five not counting me.
Clearly, you have your priorities straight, placing the Indians' pennant hopes above all other concerns combined, by a 2-1 margin.
Osama bin Laden also remains terrifying, and for good reason: We haven't heard anything new from him in years; he was last known to be suffering from health issues that include a weak kidney, diabetes, osteoporosis, an enlarged heart, low blood pressure, a probable chest wound and possibly cancer; and he's holed up in a cave and virtually unable to contact anyone. Clearly the only explanation is that he is alive and well, and a grave danger to our children.
No one chose "Hepatitis B" or "Hepatitis C," because apparently my readers are indifferent to their own sexual recklessness.
A: Of course you will be watching when! You owe it to beautiful Northeast Ohio to be watching every minute of when. Or at the very least until.
When begins Thursday night in San Antonio at 9ET. And then there is the question of,
In the short term, I remain cautiously pessimistic.
So I have a bunch of things to blog about today, including but not limited to Gitmo, terror, Phil Spector, Paris Hilton, the pole-vaulting sensation whose life I ruined, my ongoing job search and whether you're doing enough to help, and my scintillating Cavaliers/Spurs analysis. All of which you can look forward to sometime between now and your death.
A: I just saw Deal or No Deal for the first time last night. Wow, that shit is mean. Never before has a game show been so complexly constructed to guarantee its guests will go home some level of disappointed.
Anyway, I'm glad I could provide that observation. And what about that Ken Jennings, huh??? He sure does win a lot at Jeopardy! Tune in to my blog next week, when I'll be proffering my thoughts on the recent film Dances With Wolves. Did it deserve its Oscar? THE ANSWER MAY SURPRISE YOU!
DEAL OR NO DEAL: If you do not complain about T.A.M.S.Y.'s recent unannounced hiatus, I will make you a special offer: Next week, I'll give you a sneak-preview write-up of David Wain's hotly, wetly anticipated new film The Ten, which premiers Sunday at Los Festivalo en Cinematatta de Cleveland — four-plus months ahead of its August 3 release.
Those last two links appear to be down right now, but whatever, here's The Ten's (WARNING: uncensored) teaser trailer.
Tickets are still available, I believe, for both the noon and 4:45 showings, if you're in the area.
EARLIER: David Wain has a cameo in last fall's travelogue by fellow Statesmen/Stella creators, the Michaels Showalter & Ian Black.
POSTSCRIPT: David Wain has a blog, although it too is down right now. Also, um, is the Internet dying?
A: Please, please make it stop.
Have I mentioned my plan to move to California in the very near future? Because, by the way,
I hate you, California.
For some reason, very few media outlets or bloggers seem to be noting the strange connection here.1 But is anyone else starting to feel like this is the opening 15 minutes to an apocalyptic disaster movie? I'm particularly concerned for my precocious daughter Dakota Fanning, to whom I've never been a very good father.A: One of my predictions is already going to be wrong, so I'd better get this baby up quick...
A: Because 2007 is the year I unveil my Cleveland sports blog.
Have you seen it? Probably not, since I just bought the domain five seconds ago...
A: Thanks, New York Times. Way to rub it in.
Don Bernstine travels the world visiting rock stars in their homes and backstage and spends tens of thousands of dollars of his employer's money buying guitars, concert costumes and other music memorabilia.
So, it's no surprise that the Hard Rock Cafe's memorabilia hunter says he'll give up his job when someone pries it from his "cold, dead fingers."
A: Damn you, Euclid Beach Band, for your dirty lies.
The New York Times today has an expose on the Cleveland surf community: Yes, You Can Surf in Cleveland.
“Cleveland surfers have a reputation for being gritty and hard-core,” said Ryan Gerard, owner of Third Coast Surf Shop in New Buffalo, Mich. “They just don’t care what other people think about them.”
Occasionally there are days when the waves are good and the sunset falls into Lake Erie like a red fire and the Cleveland surfers bob silently in the water, alone in the city. And they laugh at their good fortune.
“Nobody surfs here to get noticed,” Scott Ditzenberger said. “We surf here because we love it.”
A: Crying hysterically, I know.
Sorry things've been so quiet on the T.A.M.S.Y. front this past week. I'm trying to get some actual work done. You know, just for the sake of variety. In the meantime, take a look at the new additions to my sidebar, now featuring three delightful RSS feeds for your perusing pleasure:
Baby: "Holy shit, I love RSS feeds!!!"
A: Uh, probably the rhythm method. But if he ever decided to switch things up, he'd certainly appreciate the time efficiency of Pronto condoms, part of the fight against AIDS in South Africa.
Because, like, the dad character really liked things that saved time. You know, in the book and stuff. Yeah, sometimes it's hard to think up titles for these posts.
Hey, another excellent way to protect yourself from AIDS is to move to Cleveland, interact with no women, and blog a lot.
If the A: is yes, congratulations, you win a prize. A prize of knowing you're as big a loser as I am.
So I have lots of things to say about the election and America and stupid, stupid politicians, except I'm a little busy at the moment. I'll try to slip in a few posts tonight, because otherwise, how will you know whom to vote for?
I AM A REAL AMERICAN HERO: Tomorrow I'm going to be manning the polls as an "Observer" (formerly known as a "Challenger") for the Democrats
, to make sure that Diebold and the Church of Latter-Day Saints don't try to steal Ohio for the Republicans. If recent polls are any indication, they've got a lot of work to do, vis a vis the stealing.
So beginning at 5:45AM tomorrow, I will need to be vigilant and strong, which is why I plan to drink a great deal of coffee, and also human growth hormone. I'm going to bring my laptop with me tomorrow, on the off chances (a) I can pick up a wireless connection and (b) live-blogging an election from within the polling place itself is considered legal. And/or (c) no one pays attention to what I am doing.
I think being an observer also gives me the right to punch anyone in the face if they vote for Ken Blackwell, but I should probably check my handbook to confirm.
A: I wanted to note quickly for my local readers that public television (WVIZ-25) is right this very moment running a 60-minute special, Cleveland: Confronting Decline in an American City, which is supposed to be pretty good. If you happen to see this post in the very immediate future, check it out.
Oh, and um, one time John Green went to Cleveland. And he confronted decline, right in the face. You should buy his book, have I mentioned that?
P.S.: If you missed the TV broadcast of the Cleveland film, you can catch the rerun on Oct. 1st (or order the DVD).
PBS docus: Still obligated to include cheesy computer graphics.
