Q: Why did Dick Cheney have David Halberstam killed?

A: The History Boys, by David Halberstam [via Bill Simmons, for some reason]

In the twilight of his presidency, George W. Bush and his inner circle have been feeding the press with historical parallels: he is Harry Truman—unpopular, besieged, yet ultimately to be vindicated—while Iraq under Saddam was Europe held by Hitler. To a serious student of the past, that's preposterous. Writing just before his untimely death, David Halberstam asserts that Bush's "history," like his war, is based on wishful thinking, arrogance, and a total disdain for the facts.

EARLIER: R.I.P. David Halberstam

Q: Seriously, who is burning down Greece?

A: I meant all week to link to this story in the Christian Science Monitor, Why is Greece on fire?, since it was the only reference I'd seen to this oddly ominous comment from Prime Minister Costas Karamanlis:

"So many fires breaking out simultaneously in so many parts of the country cannot be a coincidence."

By the terms of my 99% Doctrine, I only accuse the Bush administration of crimes I am 99% sure they committed, but my gut reaction here is MARK IT DOWN: Dick Cheney is burning down Greece to build condos.

Or that's what I was about to say, before just now when I noticed this odd comment from an anonymous reader:

True the answer may surprise you. I suggest you read the following article which provides an interesting explanation of these events

I have not yet read the story, but it begins, "Please read to the end of this article the answer who done it is given." The blogger identifies himself only as "Firecracker." Needless to say, I'm very excited. More on this story when I get to the part about Dick Cheney.

(But first, I'm going to go outside, so I can be with summer when it dies. Go Tribe.)

EARLIER: Is our homeland burning?

Q: "Do you think the U.S. or U.N. forces should have moved into Baghdad?" Cheney's 1994 answer may surprise you.

A: Okay, we actually already knew he said all this stuff. But as far as I'm aware, we hadn't known he said it on video.



Hey, you know the old saying. Foresight's 20/20.

Q: With news like this, who needs Dick jokes?

A: Yes, Dick Cheney's robot heart ran out of batteries.

No, I don't even need punchlines anymore. I'm just going to sit here waiting for the dystopian-future vice president to shoot another old man in the face or whatever.

Q: Even the Mormons hate Dick Cheney!?

A: Yeah! Well, okay, it's the Democrat Mormons.

And, okay, there are only, like, seven Democrat Mormons. Which is pretty anti-Mormon of them, frankly, because Democrats try to do crazy things like tell you how many wives you should have, or tax the insanely wealthy (and no one's insanely wealthier than the Mormons!). And Mormons don't like being told how many wives to have except via divine prophecy¹ — and they don't like being taxed except by the Church.

James Snideman, a senior majoring in Agricultural Management, had held a sign with photographs of Mormon prophet Gordon B. Hinckley and Vice President Dick Cheney. "Prophet vs. Profit" was scrawled across the sign. Snideman was asked to remove it.

"In the past we've had religious leaders that give us advice and counsel about what we're supposed to do with the rest of our lives," Snideman said. "And I'm supposed to hear that from a man who I believe has been very questionable in his dealings? There's a big conflict there."

Warner Woodworth, a professor of Organization Strategy and Leadership, has similar concerns, based on "…the example Cheney sets... We ought to have graduate speakers that are the best choices out there in terms of values and ethics and moral responsibility and personal commitment to good principles."

That standard might make it difficult to find suitable campus speakers, especially among politicians, suggests Mike Otterson, spokesman for Mormon leaders.

"You have to accept at some point that you are inviting people who are not members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and... their standards are a matter for them to take care of. I don't think we can become so self-righteous that we can expect everyone to live as we think they should live in order to qualify as a visitor to the University."

Yeah, c'mon, you smug Democrat Mormons. You can't judge Dick Cheney for not living by your rules! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF HIM!!! Don't be such racists.

Also, remember to vote for Mitt Romney in '08, and you'll be free to judge all day long.

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¹ And if you don't like it, well, sorry, but neither did Joseph Smith's wife. And here's a good book featuring Cheney's pal Gordon B. Hinckley.

Q: After stabbing Scooter Libby in the back, how will Dick Cheney wash the blood from his hands?

A: As I'm sure you've heard, Bush administration scapegoat I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby was found guilty on four of five counts today. The conviction — for perjury, false statements and obstruction of justice — mandates a prison term of 1.5-to-3 years (barring retrials, appeals and/or pardons).

Meanwhile, Karl Rove and Dick Cheney, the prime architects of the scheme on behalf of which Libby lied, receive no punishment, aside perhaps from the downgraded political status they'd already suffered as the scandal unfolded.

So will Cheney, Scooter's old boss, be haunted by his own act of betrayal? Will he be left to wander the halls of the White House in a maniacal haze, ever disturbed by visions of symbolically blood-soaked hands?

Well. Probably not, T.A.M.S.Y. supposes.

Thing is, Cheney's got real blood problems to worry about.

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RELATED: While taking stock of the fallout from PlameGate, the Washington Post's Andrew Cohen says "Cheney gets my vote for the biggest loser in all of this...

Cheney's friends and opponents alike now have to concede that he was also in this instance at least a meddling, petty bureaucrat who spent time at his undisclosed secure location worrying about how the White House would get back at [Joseph] Wilson, a penny-ante operator in the high-stakes game of politics over Iraq.

Me, I'd still go for the dude bound for prison as the biggest loser in all this, but hey, I like the attempt. And I particularly appreciate Andrew Sullivan taking it one step further and asking Should Cheney resign?

His health is rough; he has been the most disastrous vice-president in history; he has lost two wars; he has lost every ally; he is despised in much of the country; he is now going to be the center of all the questions that the Libby guilty verdict raise. Why did he get so exercized about a two-bit critic during a critical time in the Iraq war? Why would he risk losing his most trusted aide by coordinating a media sting on a minor political opponent?

Um... because he's a total dick?

Why would he risk committing a crime to pursue Wilson unless he had something very serious to hide?

Oh, well, also that. But Cheney's been lying and manipulating media and redefining "legality" so constantly for so long, he probably just lost the ability to gauge which crimes were worth committing to protect which secrets. That's the thing about compulsive lying; it's as corrosive to one's greater sense of logic as is, say, power. Or greed. Or being a total dick.

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FOR THE RECORD: It's generally against T.A.M.S.Y. policy to make light of our subjects' critical health problems, but we're willing to make an exception for the truly evil. Which includes, obvs, the Antichrist.