Q: What is the only greater threat to our children than the immortality of Osama bin Laden?

A: It can't be forgotten that the greatest threat to our children is our children. THEY HAVE A LASER, PEOPLE.

Q: Now that it's been disproven, can we agree to stop talking about evolution?

A: Those of you worried about the American education system can breathe a huge sigh of relief this morning, thanks to some heartwarming news out of South Carolina. Of course, President Bush already fixed the public schools—but it turns out private institutions have their own special way of ensuring that no child be Left Behind.

The results are in from Pawleys Island Christian Academy's prestigious science fair, and the winner in one category... may surprise you. Under the tutelage of teacher Judy Doerr, PICA's preteens are taking science to new heights! By which I mean, they're finally destroying it.


I almost missed this story, but luckily, the Georgetown Times matched it with a real barn-burner of a headline:

Christian Academy Science Fair winners named.

Judy Doerr, the science teacher for middle school students at Pawleys Island Christian Academy (PICA), says she is very pleased with this year's science fair projects. "This is the third year we have held the science fair at PICA and I am excited about the variety of projects the students have created," Doerr said.

Brian Benson, an eighth-grade student who won first place in the Life Science/Biology category for his project "Creationism Is the Winner!", says he disproved part of the theory of evolution. Using a rolled-up paper towel suspended between two glasses of water with Epsom Salts, the paper towel formed stalactites. He states that the theory that they take millions of years to develop is incorrect.

"Scientists say it takes millions of years to form stalactites," Benson said. "However, in only a couple of hours, I have formed stalactites just by using paper towel and Epsom Salts."

OH MY GOD. Nearly two hundred years of scientists' lies and several decades of ill-begotten curriculum, refuted in two hours by a 13-year-old with table seasoning and a roll of Bounty! Finally!!! Inherit THAT wind, Charles Darwin—YOU FRAUDULENT WHORE!

Yes, after Mr. Benson's discovery, not even Richard Dawkins could claim creationism isn't the winner. The results are obviously irrefutable. I mean, it won the science fair, for God's sake. Plus, these findings strike deep into, and also detonate, the very core of Darwin's theories. Knowing what we know now, evolution simply makes no sense. Consider, for instance, this excerpt from Darwin's 1859 book On the Origin of Species:



So much for that little house of cards!

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Man, all the sudden I feel like such an uneducated jerkwad. When I was in grade school, my top scientific achievement was proving that volcanoes erupt when God pours vinegar into the baking soda.

Nonetheless, it's refreshing to find that schools are evolving ... changing for the better ... doing whatever Jerry Falwell told them to do. Thank goodness we have people like Ms. Doerr shaping the minds of our children. Hurray for the future!!!!!