Q: Why do I hate the media?, pt. 7,593: Why do I hate the tech media?

A: Fake Steve Jobs sums it up nicely.

Q: Did I just call to say I love Goo?

Googley-Eyed is an ongoing T.A.M.S.Y. feature devoted to highlighting the awesomest under-the-radar services offered by Google. Full disclosure: Google is my girlfriend.

A: Remember a few months ago when I applauded 1-800-FREE-411, but suggested they still needed to iron out some of the technical glitchiness? Well, sorry, Anonymous from San Leandro — your clock just ran out.

There's a new sheriff in town in the game of not charging you for 411, and he's the fastest gunslinger west of the Pecos. By which I mean his voice-recognition software is likely superior to anyone else's.

Give him a ringa ring ringy at 1-800-GOOG-411, and see if you don't not disagree. [via Reihan]

Q: Would you like to receive a SECRET MESSAGE FROM T.A.M.S.Y.!?!

A: The answer... may surprise you.

Just text¹ the word surprise to 66937, and get ready to embark on a mysterious and exciting journey — A JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE MIRTH.

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¹ Regular text-messaging rates apply. Offer not valid in Germany, Mexico or certain cul de sacs in suburban Peoria. Side effects include excitement, delight, excessive arousal, snowblindness and sterility. T.A.M.S.Y.'s Text Message AdventureShip FunMobile 2007 is a registered trademark of The Answer May Surprise You, Inc. All rights reserved. Please text responsibly.

Q: What's the 411?

A: The 411 is no longer 411, unless you just enjoy making donations to your phone company.

Next time you need directory assistance, try 1-800-FREE-411. You'll save yourself a couple bucks or more, which you can then lose gambling. Meanwhile, the CEO of Verizon will have to wait an extra few days before installing that fourth jacuzzi. Hurray!

I just tested the service for the first time. Very handy. Two small complaints, People Who Run 1-800-Free-411: (1) Don't waste nine precious seconds explaining to me how to use 411, for the love of God. I'm a busy man, in theory. (2) Your voice recognition system could use a bit of tweaking (although they have operators on hand if the robot woman fails to understand a single goddamn word, as it did for me).

And if you're wondering how they can afford to run a service that charges you zero dollars: Good question, and I have no idea. Supposedly there are ads involved, but I didn't hear any.

UPDATE: They added ads now, and they are truly horrible. No, you idiots, I don't want to order flowers, I just want to call the fricking grocery store!!! So much for this nugget of consumer advice.

Anyway, life is full of strange little mysteries. For instance, why is it that I've been calling 1-800-555-TELL to get live sports scores and extensive recaps for four years, and yet I've never (a) met anyone else who knows what it is, (b) seen it advertised or even referenced anywhere, nor (c) figured out why they run a service with zero revenue and an audience of one? Maybe they just love me. And really, WHO CAN BLAME THEM???

UPDATE #2: What the hell? After four glorious years of freedom, they added ads to 800-555-TELL, too. When will I learn to keep my big, stupid mouth shut? (To be fair, the "Tell Me" ads are considerably shorter and less rage-inducing.)