Q: Did I just call to say I love Goo?

Googley-Eyed is an ongoing T.A.M.S.Y. feature devoted to highlighting the awesomest under-the-radar services offered by Google. Full disclosure: Google is my girlfriend.

A: Remember a few months ago when I applauded 1-800-FREE-411, but suggested they still needed to iron out some of the technical glitchiness? Well, sorry, Anonymous from San Leandro — your clock just ran out.

There's a new sheriff in town in the game of not charging you for 411, and he's the fastest gunslinger west of the Pecos. By which I mean his voice-recognition software is likely superior to anyone else's.

Give him a ringa ring ringy at 1-800-GOOG-411, and see if you don't not disagree. [via Reihan]

Q: Are my girlfriend Google and I joining the Mile High Club?

NEW! The Answer May Surprise You reads all 35,000 official Google blogs — so you don't have to! In most circumstances, official Google blog updates comprise wholly non-essential news (e.g., Google AdWords is pleased to introduce a support forum for our native Inuit users! or Help! My obscure Brazilian company was just bought out by Orkut, and I'm drowning in fucking money!).

Every now and then, something legitimately useful — mayhaps even paradigm-shifting — sneaks through. T.A.M.S.Y filters the goods into a new feature we call The Savvy Googler.

A: That was certainly a long intro there. Not long enough to justify the day's first post going up at 3pm, but still. Anyway, what were we talking about?

Oh right, my blistering lust for Google, on a plane. The answer to your question is yes. Especially if your question specifically referred to whether it were now possible to text message your flight number to GOOGLE (466453) and receive real-time status info.

Q: Are you a webmaster and/or tool?

A: If you're like me, you're both.

If you want to be more like me — and if you're like me, you do — go install Google's Webmaster Tools on your site / blog / whatever. It's a free service, and provides millions of wasted hours of fun.

Last summer, I blogged about one of my favorite tools, Query Stats, which tells you which googled phrases most often point to your site. Well, my beloved Goo-Goo recently added a couple of even cooler (dorkier) features:

1. A downloadable directory of every link to your site in the history of the Googlebots. Print it out and use it to wallpaper your bathroom!
   
2. A Top 100 list of the words and phrases most frequently used to describe your site. Does the Internet think you're an asshole? The answer may surprise you!
   

#2 was just unveiled this week, and to call it enlightening is an understatement. For example, the entries on T.A.M.S.Y.'s list include:

• the answer may surprise you
• dean simakis
• not reading it
• blog
  
• worse than we thought
• surprise
• you are probably now gay
• something to cry about
• answer may surprise you the
• priceless

Oh, the Internet. It's like you know me better than I know myself.

Q: How can I find out when hott new music leaks?

A: Whether you're a rock critic, record exec, Swedish pirate or just a music fan who wants to stay ahead of the curve, you need to be the first on your block to know when a major album leaks into the Internets. I mean, maybe you do. Don't let me put words in your mouth.

Yeah, the logo's hideous.
That's why it's still in beta.

But if I'm not, and you do, perhaps you might consider subscribing to T.A.M.S.Y.'s Leak Alert^beta.

Powered by sexy Web 2.0 playa loopnote.com, the Leak Alert will send you a heads up whenever a major leak occurs, via whatever means of communication you prefer — email, IM, RSS or text message. And all for the price of zero dollars!

Sign up today! If you want! Don't feel pressured or anything!

RELATED: The new Kaiser Chiefs album, "Yours Truly, Angry Mob," just leaked. Coincidentally, we were just talking about them.

Q: How do I rip off the CoinStar machine that keeps ripping me off?

A: I found this tip via Boing Boing's Xeni Jardin, who writes, "I'm fairly certain this may not be legal, and it's posted here for technical analysis purposes only."

I should emphasize that T.A.M.S.Y. doesn't condone doing this either. In fact, I condone that anyone caught following these step-by-step instructions be savagely beaten.

1. Choose the iTunes gift card option.
2. Put in all your coins.
3. Unplug the machine's phone cord.
   
4. Select the option to have all your funds delivered via gift card.
5. Wait a few minutes while the machine tries to figure out what the hell happened to its online access.
6. The machine will spit out a receipt, which can be redeemed for cash money at the nearby cash register (bypassing the standard 9% fee).
7. Burn for eternity in hell.

I stole all of that from Anti Yawn, but I don't think he can complain, given the circumstances.

As far as I know, Roger is the only person who uses CoinStar machines. But don't make fun of him; he lives in Las Vegas, where it is culturally acceptable to pour money into machines that are openly ripping you off.

Q: When did I become an old person?

A: The early '90s — if "old person" can be defined as "anyone who regularly enjoys Car Talk." And I'm sure we can agree it can.

Which brings me to my actual Q: Who do Click and Clack think they are, trying to charge me actual American cents for their fricking podcast?

A: Apparently, being National Public Radio's most popular show¹ has gone to their heads. While the "Clip of the Week" is offered for free via iTunes, the full show will set you back $.95 per episode. That's like fifty bucks a year, and it doesn't even come with a stylish tote bag!

How can a public radio show charge me for a download of something I'm already (theoretically) funding to be broadcast on my local station? Isn't public radio already owned by the public? By which I mean me? Because you're fired, the Tappet brothers!

Click, Clack: I paid for those tuxes, you Bostonian bastards.

The good news is that This American Life is now a free podcast. And you don't even have to be an old person to enjoy it.

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¹ I can't find citation of this, nor can Wikipedia (see: 2nd graf), but Ira Glass made that claim on TAL, so I'm going to go ahead and assume it's true.

Q: Is it Wednesday already?

A: Wow, it totally is. Huh. I should probably think of something to post.

If you hadn't already noticed, Google Checkout is offering a $10 coupon to anyone who signs up before February 15th. You can use it at Starbucks or Buy.com or Toys R Us or a bunch of other places.

Or, hey, you can use it to buy that URL you've always wanted. It would usually cost you $10/year, but with the bonus, it'll be free. Start a stupid blog of your own! In fact, thisismystupidblog.com is still ripe for the plucking.

It's ten 'til imaginary doomsday. Do you know where your imaginary children are?

IN OTHER NEWS: Remember that apocalypse I warned you about? Well, it turns out we really are getting close to doomsday -- as proved by a bunch of geeky University of Chicago scientists and their stupid-ass imaginary clock. I guess they got bored with doing actual science.

Q: Have 700 hours to kill?

A: Traffic doesn't have to be a drag -- not if you have a veritable king's ransom of classic audiobooks to play while you idle.

Featured authors include Dickens, Dostoevsky, Joyce, Kafka, Wilde and many others -- all for the price of zero dollars. Enjoi.

EARLIER: Q: Have seven hours to kill?

Q: How can I get invited to an elite BitTorrent tracker? You know, the really good shit?

A: You have to know a guy. Or know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy. It's kind of like with drugs, except not illegal, except, no wait, it's illegal. Point being, it's not all that simple.

Except today -- and today only -- it is exactly all that simple. The normally invitation-only [redacted] is temporarily offering open sign-ups, in a fleeting moment of yuletide good will.

It's like how Scrooge brought Tiny Tim all those gifts and a turkey, just because he was filled with Christmas spirit! Oh, and because he'd been viciously terrorized by the dead. In this case, though, it's more like if he'd given Tiny Tim an eighth of shrooms and taught him how to hotwire cars.

Of course, I don't have a [redacted] account, because I'm not a criminal. But that shouldn't stop you from getting in on the hot, hot-wiring action.

And if you have no idea what BitTorrent is, but you've heard the kids talking about it and you're curious, here's a beginner's guide (or if you like a challenge, Wikipedia has the complicated version).

The only software you'll need to get started is the phenomenal µTorrent, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise (unless you're a Mac user, in which case, I don't know, let Jordan tell you otherwise).

TECH-BIZ: It's not exactly the newest of news, but did you hear BitTorrent^TM used some of its nouveau richeness to acquire µTorrent? I have nothing new to add, except: Here's hoping they don't screw it up.

Q: Have seven hours to kill (and/or a desire to get in on John Hodgmania)?

If the A: is yes, you'll be killing those seven hours in what feels like four and a half thanks to the wit/wisdom of John Hodgman's The Areas of My Expertise audiobook -- currently available from Apple for the price of zero dollars. And here I thought I'd never buy anything from iTunes!

You might recognize Hodgman, speaking of Apple, from his insurmountably likable performance in the "PC vs Mac" ads (which were only successful in convincing me that people who use Macs really are assholes¹). More notably, he's a regular on The Daily Show and a semi-regular on This American Life, making him a good candidate for my favorite person.

I just noticed that Hodgman is also the guy behind NYC's Little Gray Books lecture/humor series -- which I only know through Lindsayism, most memorably for having inspired the creation of Jonathan Coulton's wonderful "Dance, Soterios Johnson, Dance."² Coulton's music, by the by, is centrally featured in the aforementioned free audiobook.

While I'm linking all things Hodgman, it's worth noting he's on Blogger too. And that he stole my "zero dollars" joke. Pre-emptively. He's damn good, that Hodgman.

NOTE: There would be humorous, illuminating images in this post, but the new Blogger dropped its "beta" tag Tuesday, and is celebrating the achievement with a night of drunken incompetence.

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¹ Just kidding, Practically Everyone Who Reads My Blog! Oh, unless you're one of the few PC users, in which case, no, seriously. Which is probably why PC's still working and Mac ain't.

² Incidentally, the opportunity to attend Little Gray Books was one of many reasons I was so excited to move to New York. And also one of many intentions I forgot immediately upon arriving, along with "becoming successful" and "going outside." Life's funny that way.

Q: What's the 411?

A: The 411 is no longer 411, unless you just enjoy making donations to your phone company.

Next time you need directory assistance, try 1-800-FREE-411. You'll save yourself a couple bucks or more, which you can then lose gambling. Meanwhile, the CEO of Verizon will have to wait an extra few days before installing that fourth jacuzzi. Hurray!

I just tested the service for the first time. Very handy. Two small complaints, People Who Run 1-800-Free-411: (1) Don't waste nine precious seconds explaining to me how to use 411, for the love of God. I'm a busy man, in theory. (2) Your voice recognition system could use a bit of tweaking (although they have operators on hand if the robot woman fails to understand a single goddamn word, as it did for me).

And if you're wondering how they can afford to run a service that charges you zero dollars: Good question, and I have no idea. Supposedly there are ads involved, but I didn't hear any.

UPDATE: They added ads now, and they are truly horrible. No, you idiots, I don't want to order flowers, I just want to call the fricking grocery store!!! So much for this nugget of consumer advice.

Anyway, life is full of strange little mysteries. For instance, why is it that I've been calling 1-800-555-TELL to get live sports scores and extensive recaps for four years, and yet I've never (a) met anyone else who knows what it is, (b) seen it advertised or even referenced anywhere, nor (c) figured out why they run a service with zero revenue and an audience of one? Maybe they just love me. And really, WHO CAN BLAME THEM???

UPDATE #2: What the hell? After four glorious years of freedom, they added ads to 800-555-TELL, too. When will I learn to keep my big, stupid mouth shut? (To be fair, the "Tell Me" ads are considerably shorter and less rage-inducing.)