Q: What happened to the Sands?

A: Hey, remember that episode of Full House where Stephanie and DJ Tanner won $100,000 from a slot machine at in Lake Tahoe casino, and then their dad made them give it back to teach them an important lesson about underage gambling?

Danny Tanner sure was an idiot. He could have used that cash to get Michelle a much-needed college education. On a related note:

Casino told to fork over jackpot won by minor [Reuters]

Macau's gaming bureau has ruled that the Sands Macao casino — operated by U.S. gaming giant Las Vegas Sands — must pay an under-age player's HK$740,000 ($94,900) jackpot winnings to her mother, a local daily said on Saturday.

The Gaming Inspection and Coordination Bureau — Macau's gaming watchdog — made the decision after meeting the 16-year-old girl and her mother, Hong Kong's South China Morning Post reported.

The Hong Kong teenager was playing at [the] Sands on Tuesday with her mother and grandmother, the paper said. She put HK$100 into a slot machine, and it stopped on the winning number.

Uncle Jesse Katsopolis could not be reached for comment.

By the way, I kind of get the feeling that Reuters has never actually been in a casino. It "stopped on the winning number"? Was it a roulette-themed slot machine? This sounds like the easiest $100,000 jackpot ever. No wonder the Sands Atlantic City went bust.

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PAS/CAL: Left us out in the cold?

SHODDY TRANSITION: Hey, speaking of what happened to the Sands, what happened to Detroit indie poppers PAS/CAL? They were supposed to release their debut full-length, Citizen's Army Uniform, two months ago; but two months ago has come and gone, and the LP hasn't so much as leaked yet. Curious.

Anyway, Tiny Mix Tapes says the album will revisit a couple of old PAS/CAL songs, including this old T.A.M.S.Y. favorite:

PAS/CAL
What Happened to the Sands
Oh Honey, We're Ridiculous [EP], 2004

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SHODDIER TRANSITION: The Brothers Maloof do not own the Sands. They do, however, own the Palms, as well as the NBA's Sacramento Kings. The Palms is a great casino. The Kings are not a great basketball team. They are, in fact, in last place.

Joe Maloof recently referred to his team's coach, Eric Musselman, as "inexperienced." It is generally not a good sign when you are one of the highest ranking employees of a company, and your boss refers to you as "inexperienced." It is also not a very good sign for your boss, especially if he's the one who hired you. So it wasn't long before the other Maloof stepped in to clarify the issue.

"He's still our coach, plain and simple," Gavin Maloof said. "It's still what it's always been. We're behind him, and that's the way it is. We're going to move forward until he's not our coach. That's the way it's always been. We're behind him, and that's the way it is."

So don't worry about your job status, Eric! Plain and simple, you are not going to be fired until you are fired.

Q: Why is Chief Wahoo smiling wider than ever?

A: Because ownership of the Hard Rock Cafe has been transferred to American hands -- Native American hands -- as Britain's Rank Group announced today it will sell the international restaurant & casino chain to the Seminole tribe of Florida in a deal worth nearly a billion dollars.

The deal apparently doesn't include the hugely valuable Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas, which Cafe co-founder Peter Morton sold earlier this year to Morgans Hotel Group for $770 million (the land occupied by the hotel's pool is valued at $50 million alone, says Wikipedia). That package also included exclusive rights to the Hard Rock Hotel brand in the western half of the US.

In any event, one London analyst called the price of the Seminole deal "slightly disappointing." T.A.M.S.Y. knows nothing about the value of such things, but we hope that analyst is correct, because we're always supportive of Indians finding new ways to rape back the colonists.

We're not sure what to think, though, of the rumored changes the Seminoles plan to institute in Hard Rock Cafes worldwide...

RUMORED NEW POLICIES AT THE
FLORIDA SEMINOLES' HARD ROCK CAFES

• Overpriced beverages now referred to as "Seminole fluids."
• Line chefs getting high on break now required to smoke from peace pipe.
• Crazy Horse to receive lifetime supply of curly fries with purchase of full-price meal; Neil Young still required to pay for curly fries.
• Ticket booths outside of all Hard Rock Live! events now uniformly considered scalpers.
• Axl Rose's feathered hair now to contain actual feathers.
  
• Caucasians explicitly banned.
• Appetizers, entrees no longer designed to taste like shit.
• Reservations required.

Aside from all that, T.A.M.S.Y. offers kudos to the Florida Seminoles for proving that it really is a long way to the top if you want to rock & roll.

Susanna & the Magical Orchestra - It's a Long Way to the Top [mp3]

Melody Mountain, 2006

For what it's worth, that album is totally excellent. I've already made a spot for it near the top of my forthcoming best of 2006 list.

Q: Could someone get Angela Lansbury's agent on the line?

A: She's still alive, right? Because I have the comeback role of a late-lifetime with her name on it. Think Golden Girls meets Weeds in the Arizona desert: An adorable grandmother turns to dealing dope, hundreds of pounds of dope, to feed her crippling bingo habit. Based, obvs, on a true story:

Bingo-playing grandma guilty in pot case [AP Wire, via attu]

This thing has all the universal themes covered: crime; money; drugs; bingo; sweaty senior citizens; did I already say bingo? And it's the role Angela Lansbury was born to play -- an desperate, impoverished Mexican American.

Jessica Fletcher: She just don't give a fuck.

I smell Emmy gold, people. Feel the pathos:

"People who play bingo almost every night of the week end up losing in the long run," Prosecutor Doyle Johnstun told jurors. "The underlying issue is that she's got a bingo problem, which explains why an otherwise nice person might get sucked into something like this."

Oh, maybe also because she was trying to survive on a $275/month welfare check. On the other hand -- 210 pounds!? Christ, that must have been some high-stakes bingo.

Anyway, kudos to the American legal system for sending a 61-year-old woman to three to 12 years in prison for the unthinkable crime of getting a bunch of people stoned. Man, do I feel safer.