Q: Inefficiently and incoherently?

Nations must fight climate change like terrorism, Rice says

A: Done and done!

Q: Who reanimated the corpse of the electric car?

I'm in love with their car.

A: My girlfriend Google, apparently. I somehow missed it when they announced it last month, but the company is building a "small fleet of plug-in [hybrid electric vehicles]," with fuel efficiencies of 70-100 miles per gallon. Not bad; of cars you can actually buy, the most efficient (by far, incidentally) is the Toyota Prius at 35-50 mpg, half of what the Googlemobile offers.

Google says its goal here "is to demonstrate the plug-in hybrid and V2G technology, get people excited about having their own plug-in hybrid, and encourage car companies to start building them soon." So I guess we shouldn't expect them to get into the automotive industry anytime soon...OR SHOULD WE?

MARK IT DOWN: In 2011, Google will use the change under Sergey Brin's couch cushion to acquire General Motors when it is put up for sale at the Wayne County sheriff's auction. By 2015, the oil crisis will have been averted, and global warming will be relegated to the status of the pet rock and the slap bracelet, a cultural relic. In 2017, we will all die in a plague.

Q: Why is the grass always greener on the other Earth?

A: Did you hear about how global warming is, like, solved? No, it wasn't the announcement of the Spinal Tap benefit reunion. It was the recent discovery of an AWESOME NEW PLANET!

They're calling it Second Earth. So pack those bags, baby! We're MOVIN' ON UP — TO THE GLIESE SIDE!!!

AP: Potential Habitable Planet Found

For the first time astronomers have discovered a planet outside our solar system that is potentially habitable, with Earth-like temperatures, a find researchers described Tuesday as a big step in the search for "life in the universe."

The planet is just the right size, might have water in liquid form, and in galactic terms is relatively nearby at 120 trillion miles away. But the star it closely orbits, Gliese 581, known as a "red dwarf," is much smaller, dimmer and cooler than our sun.

Wow, that sounds a lot like my high school. There were quite a few kids smaller and dimmer than me, but they were all way, way cooler.

But hang on, they expect us to believe that some "red dwarf" is cooler than our precious, precious sun?


I mean, a "red dwarf" sounds like he plays a lot of D&D and makes constant snickering references to the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow, am I right?

Well, turns out I'm not right. I called some of my friends at NASA this morning, and the evidence they just sent me is pretty conclusive: Our sun is, comparatively, a total nerd. Click to enlarge:


My NASA friends also revealed the reason the grass is always greener on Second Earth: Despite being smaller and dimmer, Second Sun is so totally cool that it gets other, smarter stars to do its photosynthesis for it, while it makes out with its hot girlfriend, a varsity volleyball player, in the woods behind school. Wow, that is one cool dude.

I don't know about you, but I'm DONE with the Milky Way.

The Velvet Underground
Who Loves the Sun
Loaded, 1970

It's a galaxy full of losers, and I'm pulling out of here to win!!!

Q: Why can't I feel my extremities?

A: 
Inconvenient truths are looking convenienter all the time.

Q: How many United Nations does it take to change a lightbulb?

RELATED: Global Warming Very Likely Caused by Humans, UN Says

Q: Why, God, why?

No, but c'mon Dude, seriously: Why?

This kind of thing would be enough to make a man profoundly depressed. I mean, were he not already profoundly depressed.

It's just way too early in the year to be roasting this particular chestnut:

Hank Williams - "At the First Fall of Snow"
The Complete Hank Williams, 1998

No one is suffering more, though, than my adorable wittle Jack O'Lantern, who's freezing his pumpkin-spiced ass off out there.

O'Lantern: Wishes he'd never been carved.

And through it all, he puts on such a brave face. Oh Jesus, what a trooper!!!

Q: Is it hot in here, or is it just my 16-year-old page?

A: Good news is pouring into T.A.M.S.Y. today from Washington D.C.'s drunken witch doctors, a.k.a. the pollsters.

"Democrats have big lead after sex scandal," crows the Reuters headline, with new polls from Gallup and CNN showing the Dems up by an astounding 23 and 21 points, respectively. All of which bodes well for Blue Man Group's chances of overtaking the Red Army come Election Day. Huzzah, yay, etc.

As tough as times are, though, for Mark Foley and his former peers in the Republican-led Congress, the Washington Post wants you to know that it's even worse than you think. Apparently, it's not just their careers at stake anymore; the Republicans' incompetence now threatens to destroy the entire Earth:


I'm not a scientist, so I'm not entirely clear on what all this has to do with global warming. My theory: Ohio voters' passion for Senate candidate Sherrod Brown now burns so hot that it's melting the ozone. Either that, or Foley had a long weekend of instant messaging.

So when you punch out your ballot this Election Day, dear readers, T.A.M.S.Y. implores you to keep two things in mind: Remember to vote Democrat, and don't forget to wear sunscreen.

BTW: Sorry T.A.M.S.Y.'s been so quiet lately. Also, sorry T.A.M.S.Y.'s been so ugly. I recently upgraded to Blogger Beta (powered by my beloved Google!), and it's great, except no one mentioned that I was going to have to learn XML in order to make it look right. I should get around to that one of these days, or whatever.