Q: Why wait 'til tomorrow to get the new Gwen Stefani album?

A: Um, because that's when it gets released. And because other, i.e., illicit means of acquiring it would, you know, fray the moral fibers in the wool sweater of your soul. Also because the album's not that great.

But if you're really just, like, SO EXCITED, OMG to hear it, I suppose you could get it off this morally reprehensible Frenchie's blog (which is hosting The Sweet Escape, the new Jay Z and several other past-their-prime urban hitmakers, through the chopshop they call Rapidshare).¹

If steal you must, though, remember to support the artists you love best by springing for the opticals come payday. Otherwise, your precious moral fibers will soon be little more than a ball of yarn.

(Not that your soul will have much need a wool sweater while it's burning for eternity in hell.)

¹ I haven't tested any of this stuff, by the way, so don't blame me if it turns out to be a recording-industry plot to blow up your computer, or spy on you while you masturbate or whatever.

Q: Where's that goddamn Gwen Stefani you promised me?

A: It's here. Sorry. I got distracted.

So yeah, the new Gwen Stefani is The Sweet Escape, and it drops next Tuesday (at a T.A.M.S.Y. affiliate near you), but it leaked earlier this week. Kudos to whomever at Interscope managed to keep it under wraps until now. Try before you buy!

Gwen Stefani - "Wind it Up"
Interscope Records, 2006

"Wind it Up" is the first single -- and, okay, it's been out for a while, but Idolator beat me to the punch with "Yummy," the song I'd been meaning to share before I got busy with procrastinating.

They also beat me to the punch by noting how Gwen is inexplicably channeling Fergie. Which is like Madonna ripping off Cyndi Lauper. Except if Cyndi Lauper was only famous for ruining Run-DMC¹.

Following in the footsteps (or ladylump-steps) of "My Hump," "Wind it Up" and especially "Yummy" ascribe to the new school of pop best described as "minimalist fuck music." After several years of slutty dance hits that copped Basement Jaxx's frantic production style, the music industry has apparently realized that they can save millions of dollars by ditching those exorbitant sample fees and going acapella. What they've lost in complexity, they make up for in dirty talking.

The lovely lady lumps are alive with the sound of minimalist fuck music.

I was going to refer to minimalist fuck music as "post-Neptunes," except it turns out both these songs were produced by the Neptunes. Fancy that.

"Wind it Up" does lean heavily on one sample: "The Lonely Goatherd," that erotic paean to yodeling from The Sound of Music. I'm not sure what loneliness or goatherding has to do with anything else in this song, but suffice to say yodeling is very hip, having also been featured on Shakira's recent album².

So for those of you would-be hit producers, just remember that if you want to rocket to the top of the charts, I have three words for you: minimalist fuck yodeling.

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¹ Okay, fine, the Black Eyed Peas were never exactly Run-DMC. So if Cyndi Lauper had ruined the Fat Boys. Whatever.

² Shakira also likes The Sound of Music, except she's always disappointed by the part where they don't catch the Jews.