Q: Why did Dick Cheney have David Halberstam killed?

A: The History Boys, by David Halberstam [via Bill Simmons, for some reason]

In the twilight of his presidency, George W. Bush and his inner circle have been feeding the press with historical parallels: he is Harry Truman—unpopular, besieged, yet ultimately to be vindicated—while Iraq under Saddam was Europe held by Hitler. To a serious student of the past, that's preposterous. Writing just before his untimely death, David Halberstam asserts that Bush's "history," like his war, is based on wishful thinking, arrogance, and a total disdain for the facts.

EARLIER: R.I.P. David Halberstam

Q: Does correcting the off-handed historical allusions of anonymous drunks make me small-minded and petty, or just OCD?

A: Yes and yes.

So, dear self-satisfied girl: That was Churchill. De Tocqueville only said greed was the worst form of happiness except all the others that have been tried.

P.S.: From today's Quotes of the Day, Frank Zappa says it better: "Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff."

You may now return to your life.

Q: Does someone still love you, Boris Yeltsin?

Yeah, I know Russians don't drink Absolut. Just go with it.

A: I sort of hate this band (sorry, greater blogging community), but what the hell. It's a special occasion.

Someone Still Loves You
Boris Yeltsin
"Oregon Girl"
Broom, 2006

"Oregon Girl" once appeared on The O.C. It is perhaps the least distasteful song on the band's much bloggihooed debut album, Broom, which you can buy here, or whatever.

---

So hey, former president of Russia Boris Yeltsin is dead at 76. My condolences go out to anybody who still loved him.

Yeltsin will go down in history as Russia's first democratically elected leader evs, and the country's most politically progressive and least dictatorial since, oh, the guy who came immediately before him. He drank a lot of vodka, he killed a lot of Chechnyans, he drank a lot more vodka, he fixed a bunch of things, he fucked up a bunch of things, he resigned when everyone was distracted by Y2K terror, he drank a lot of vodka and he generally left Americans confused as to whether they were supposed to like him.

We thought he seemed like a swell guy — he never threatened to crush us, and he was always smiling and waving friendly hand signals.


At least, I think they were friendly hand signals. It's a fine line between the peace sign and "I'll take two vodkas."

One thing we can never take away from Mr. Yeltsin is his proving to the Western world that Russians named Boris aren't all bumbling caricatures who hang out with women named Natasha.


Some of them, we learned, hang out with women named Naina.

Ah, but Boris, comrade — I keed, I keed. I'm sure it couldn't have been easy, the whole trying to build a newly de-Commied nation of 140 million from the ground up thing. Your administration may have been riddled with corruption and confusion, but old Soviet habits die hard, I'm sure. Hell, just look at the dude running things now.

POSTSCRIPT: Further reading...

• Yeltsin Factoids [Reuters]
• Comments on his passing from world leaders [Guardian]
• Comments on his passing from crazy CNN viewers [CNN]
• "Yeltsin known for gaffes, off-colour jokes" [Reuters/ABC]

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PREVIOUSLY IN OBITS: Don Ho, shocker of monkeys.

Q: Is that a fish on your back, or are you just happy to French me?

A: WAIT OMG OMG YOUR FACE IS ON FIRE!

...

April Fools'! HAHA!!! PWNED, biotech!!!!!! I don't even know what that means, but I bet it totally burns.

Rufus Wainwright
April Fools
Rufus Wainwright, 1998

This is by far my favorite song about April Fools' Day. Also probably the only song about April Fools' Day, what with it being such a stupid idea to write songs about April Fools' Day.

Except in this case. In "April Fools," Wainwright offers a cautionary tale against being hoodwinked by the dumbest of nature's pranks — l'amour. "You will believe in love," he sings, "and all that it's supposed to be / but just until the fish start to smell and you're struck down by a hammer."

Sounds like nonsense? It is and it isn't: Rufus is referencing to the old (16th Century, circa) French tradition of sneakily posting dead fish on the backs of others — particularly anyone slow to pick up on the latest fashions — on the first of April. True story!

(Of course, this is France we're talking about, in an era when deodorizing was even less of a priority than it is now, so suffice to say, no one noticed the fish until mid-July.)

Poets that they are, the French seem to have meant the prank as a metaphor; marking one's friend with a Pisces in early spring was a means of portraying him to be, zodiacally speaking, quite literally stuck to the past.

Today, the fish is a symbol extremely popular among fundamentalist Christians. I offer no further commentary.

On a RELATED: note, my girlfriend just unveiled a new service, Google TiSP, that provides users with free broadband. It's a revolutionary idea... for me to poop on.

Q: Will we ever be able to make peace with Iran and the Arab World?

A: No. It's a hopeless cause. We're different cultures with different philosophies, torn apart by centuries of conflict and hatred. Axis of Evil, etc. There is no possible way we could ever become allies with these, our most bitter and dangerous enemies. Diplomacy is meaningless. The apocalypse is guaranteed. Duck and cover.

---

Oh, by the way, Russia is opening up ten Starbucks this summer. Totally unrelated. I don't even know why I'm mentioning it.

Welcome to Moscow Starbucks: Your barista today is Nikita.

Q: Would you please stop, children, asking me what's that sound?

A: In commemoration of the one million billionth person to land on The Answer May Surprise You after having Googled some variation on "stop children what's that sound," I've decided to try and answer whatever the question is they're meaning to ask.

Q: Who sang the song "Stop, Now, What's That Sound"?

A: There is no such song. The song you're thinking of is called "For What It's Worth."

Q: Okay, fine, whatever, who sang the song "For What It's Worth"?

A: Buffalo Springfield.

Q: Wait, isn't that the lady who the only boy who could ever reach her was the son of a preacher man?

A: No, you're thinking of Mary Isabel Catherine Bernadette O'Brien, a.k.a. Dusty Springfield, "Britain's greatest pop diva." Buffalo Springfield is the legendary American folk-rock supergroup, comprising Stephen Stills, Neil Young, Richie Furay, Bruce Palmer and Dewey Martin.

Their formation is "the stuff of legend," and involves the fact that Neil Young used to drive a hearse (in fact, hearse-related events seem to have prompted most of his early life decisions).

Q: Who wrote "Stop, Children, What's That Sound"?

A: "For What It's Worth," and Stephen Stills.

In its write-up on the song, AMG calls "For What It's Worth" "one of the most representative sounds of the 60s -- even by sheer fact of just the first guitar note and half a dozen drum beats."

That familiar intro has been featured in something like four hundred thousand films and TV shows (including Forrest Gump and The Wonder Years), and was sampled by Public Enemy in 1998's "He Got Game."

Q: What is the song about?

A: The famous Sunset Strip curfew riots of December, 1966. Granted, I have no idea what the curfew riots actually were, because no one has written a Wikipedia entry for them yet. But presumably they involved self-righteous, gun-toting LAPD officers vs a bunch of stoned teenagers, one of whom could have been Stephen Stills, possibly protesting the escalatating Vietnam War.

In short, there was something happening there, but what it was, I'm not exactly clear.

For what it's worth, here are the rest of the lyrics to "For What It's Worth."

Q: Can I download the song from you?

A: No, that would be illegal.

Q: Pleeeeeeease? What if I make out with you?

A: Well. Okay, fine. But you also have to promise to buy the album from which the track was taken, Buffalo Springfield's eponymous debut, on which "For What It's Worth" is the opening track.

Buffalo Springfield - For What It's Worth
Buffalo Springfield, 1967

Q: Thanks! But can I just buy Retrospective: The Best of Buffalo Springfield? I'm the sort of person who only buys greatest hits albums.

A: Sure. But I wish I had known that about you before we made out.

Q: Jesus, why do you have to be such an elitist dick about everything?

A: Because it helps to combat my underlying self-loathing.

Q: Oh right. Hey, can I leave now?

A: No, you should check out my homepage! Or look at all the other mp3s I've made available for sampling!

Q: Wow, okay, that sounds AMAZING now that you mention it. Should I also click on all of your ads?

A: I can't recommend that explicitly, given the terms of Google AdSense. But if you see something you like, go for it!!!!! Also, feel free to buy a shitload of California wine.

Q: Are you saying that for the 15% referral bonus, or are you trying to get me drunk so we can make out again?

A: A little of column A, a little of column B.

Q: What is Google trying to tell me?

Dorothy: There's no place like homo

A: The latest honor granted to The Answer May Surprise You by my beloved Google is surprising even to T.A.M.S.Y.: We're now featured on the first page of results for the query "gay lovemaking."

And yes, it's everything I always dreamed it would be. I'm like the blogosphere's Judy Garland, except even more beautiful.

Unfortunately for those visitors looking for gay lovemaking tips (including the Brit whose recent visit tipped me off), I can't think of any gay lovemaking tips off the top of my head. Presumably, though, good gay sex is as easy as the ol' golden rule. Also lube.

DID YOU KNOW? The evening of gay-icon Garland's funeral coincided with the start of New York City's Stonewall riots, when the Village's gay barflies raised themselves up by their tight leather bootstraps to fight back against police intimidation, thus sparking the gay liberation movement.

Wikipedia notes the Garland connection may be coincidental, but I suspect it was indeed a bit of mournful Drunk Eye for the Queer Guy that spurred these Friends of Dorothy on to the most fabulous fisticuffs in the history of civil disobedience. As a result of their boozy bravery, of course, gays would never be discriminated against again. Or I assume that's how it ended -- I haven't finished the article.

RELATED: Area Man Accidentally Responds to Own M4M Ad [The Onion]

LISTEN: Norm MacDonald's "Tex Hooper" [Buy Ridiculous now]

Q: Oh Greeks, what didn't you invent!?!

The PDA of antiquity: Technically superior to MySpace

A: The Antikythera Mechanism may have already surprised you:

An Ancient Computer Surprises Scientists [NYT].