Q: Is that a boom mic in your pocket or are you just happy to "Disturbia" me?

A: Not to disturb you, but please note that the disturbing suburban disturbance film Disturbia receives distribution to suburban (also urban) districts today, Friday the 13th (how disturbing!). Is it worth your six to eleven dollars? The answer may unsettletain you.

Disturbia: Every killer lives next door to someone, give or take.

A couple weeks ago, I mentioned an advance amateur review of Disturbia, in which the reviewer largely just seemed disturbia'd by what he referred to as an abundance of boom microphones:

"I have never seen such an incredible proliferation of visible boom microphones in any other movie. Seriously, there was a microphone visible somewhere at the top of the screen for almost the entire length of the film. At some points in the movie, more than one microphone could be seen at a time. I understand that things slip through the editing process but this was just ridiculous." [original review available in the vicinity of here]

In response to that post, beloved commenter Dashiell suggested "the boom mike problem is the fault of the projectionist, not the filmmakers," which I assumed was true. It is a little-known fact that, when you see a movie in the theater, you're usually not getting the complete contents of the reel itself; the projectionist cuts off a bit of the top and a bit of the bottom to fit it properly on the screen¹. Exactly how much is cut off depends on the film and the projectionist. I seem to remember reading somewhere that directors don't necessarily worry about boom mics slipping into the top of the frame, since it's assumed they'll be cropped.

But now I'm wondering if DJ Caruso, the director of Disturbia, might have taken that assumption a bit too far. The film hasn't even been released, and yet I've already noticed quite a small but not insignificant number of people (maybe one to two percent of my traffic over the past week) finding T.A.M.S.Y. by Googling things like "distubia microphone showing" or "disturbia boom mic".

Sarah Roemer: I'd boom HER mic!

Now I'm considering actually seeing the movie this weekend, just for the boom mics. Also maybe for Sarah Roemer's performance as "the bikini babe who conveniently decorates the pool next door."

Surprisingly, the critics don't hate it.

---

¹ This is why the Eyes Wide Shut DVD is not available in a letterbox edition; Stanley Kubrick shot it in full-frame. If the film looked "widescreen" when it first came out, it's only because the projectionist cropped it at the top and bottom to provide a larger, wider picture.

Q: How did Willy Loman bag such a hot, hot wife?

A: This is an actual screenshot of an actual ad I saw on an actual Web site:


You'd think the "Get a bigger cock!" was enough of a selling point on its own — but the manufacturers of this fine, totally non-fraudulent product (or method, or surgery, or religion, or whatever the "Lomans way" is) take it one step further:

Get your hands off of our sex symbol, you Commie bastard!

They're going to make you or your man a new man by Friday, man. And not inches. We're talking SIZES here — SEVENTEEN OF 'EM. You're going to have to buy your pennis a whole new wardrobe.

It's probably a good thing that Willy Loman died the death of a salesman. He never would have been able to hack it as an advertiser in this crazy, crazy world we call the Internets.

But even if the ad above explains why Linda Loman was so supportive of her crazyface husband, I still don't get how a writerly type like Arthur Miller ever reeled in Marilyn Monroe.

Dan Bern
Marilyn
Dan Bern, 1997

Maybe he was like her K-Fed, except if K-Fed won the Pulitzer. Oh, Marilyn died of crazy the year after their divorce. Just, you know, putting that out there.

RELATED: While you're waiting for your little Willy Loman to grow seventeen sizes, read about how, contrary to commonly referenced trivia, Marilyn Monroe was not really a size 16.

Q: When did Michael Jackson get a sex-change operation?

Jenna Jameson: Looking at the man in the mirror, thinking she should change her ways

A: No, wait, Michael Jackson hasn't looked so tan since the '80s. So who is this geriatric drag queen?

My God — it's adult film star Jenna Jameson!

Pictured here at Sunday's Oscar ceremony, Jenna is decked out in what appears to be Oscar de la Cryptkeeper. Deflated volleyballs by Rawlings.

Look, T.A.M.S.Y. doesn't even care about Jenna Jameson. It's nothing against porn stars — I'm just not that into women whose breasts look like they were installed by a team of landscapers. Call me old-fashioned.

Still, I can't help but be disturbed by Jenna's decade-long evolution from sexy college co-ed to icky collagen cokehead. [photo via Attu Sees All]

Because it's not just Jenna. Plastic surgery is destroying the faces of all our nation's most beautiful and/or glamorous and/or easy women.

The first stage is when their faces take on that weirdly taut Zellweger/Kidman look, like leather stretched around a Precious Moments figurine. Once they've gotten that far, there's no turning back. It's only a matter of time before they follow Jenna into the second stage, whereupon their faces melt off altogether. I wanted to call it Zellweger Syndrome, but apparently, that's already taken.

You might be wondering how Frankenstein Jameson is still able to score hulking masses of himbo meat like the one pictured above.

The thing is, that dude's not even straight. And he's not her date. He just heard that an adult film star had entered the building, and he assumed from the look of things that it was Peter O'Toole. Whom he thinks is a gay porn star from the 70s.

The better question is how Jenna Jameson got invited to the Oscars in the first place. Maybe she was hired as a seat-filler! If there's anything Jenna understands, it's getting your seat filled.

SOMETHING FOR THE HIGHBROWS: What, my porny one-liners aren't good enough for you? Perhaps you might find yourself more stimulated by Nathanial Hawthorne's 1943 short story "The Birthmark." It is tragically relevant.

Q: Oh my God, new Lily Allen?

A: Well...it's actually been around for a few months, but I haven't seen it on many blogs. Unlike the accompanying photo, which has made the rounds by now.

Lily Allen
Oh My God
Mark Ronson Presents [12"], 2007

"Oh My God" is a cover of a Kaiser Chiefs song. I don't have anything else interesting to say about it; except isn't it weird how they call that type of record a "12-inch"? They should just call it a foot.

DID YOU KNOW? The actual diameter of a 12" record is 11.89 inches. The actual diameter of Lily Allen's nipple is around two centimetres.

Q: Is Anna Nicole Smith alive?

Anna Nicole Smith, R.I.P.

A: Yikes. No.

UPDATE: Stop defacing her Wikipedia entry, you detachedly ironic bastards.

Q: What are you doing right this minute?

A: Nothing! Nothing important! With that in mind, I urge you to run not walk to The Best Stuff in the World and vote for T.A.M.S.Y.!

The Best Stuff in the World, by the way, is the totally awesomeest way to waste time I've ever seen in my whole life, and I've seen a lot of wasted time. It's sort of like its Web 2.0 brethren digg or del.icio.us or YouTube, except instead of aggregating your favorite articles or Web sites or amateur guitar videos, it aggregates everything in existence -- like, for instance, these things...


-- and then lets you vote for those things as "the best" in any category that you can find and/or think of. Like, for instance, these things:

• The Best Director.
• The Best People to Have Crushes On (vote for Starbucks Baristas, obvs).
• The Best Beatles Song
• The Best Breasts.
• The Best Web 2.0 Site.
• The Best Moustache (vote for Mario, obvs).

Don't see a candidate you like? Add him or her or it yourself, along with some hot stolen borrowed pictures and a description! And then nominate it for more categories, including some you just invented! And then try to explain to me why no one knows about this!? It's like Wikipedia's hotter but slightly retarded younger sister!!! BEST THING EVER!!!!

So anyways. Last night, I noticed that the Best Blog category was looking a little anemic, so I racked my brain to think of a good candidate and then realized, Oh, right, MINE. And then I noticed there were some other categories that seemed logical choices, like "The Best Site For Answers," and "The Best Humorous Blog," and "The Best Thing To Do After Sex." And then I voted the shit out of them.

The problem is that I just checked my tally and it now looks like this.


Oh God, the embarassment. The shame. The weeping and gnashing of teeth. It's bad enough to spend 10 minutes voting for yourself in a popularity contest no one's heard of without some jerkoff negative-voting for you a few hours later. UPDATE: There's no such thing as negative voting. I had accidentally canceled my own vote. So I'm the only jerkoff here. Yay!

The good news is that I'm still only two votes behind Gawker. So please, readers, let your voices be heard! So that my voice can be heard of! By 20 people in Australia!

Q: How bad does this blog suck?

A: So bad that nearly all of my posts now consist solely of promises that I'll blog more soon. But I mean it this time. I swear.

Thank you for your patronage and your patience. I know that you must be dying of boredom in my absense. In fact, based on my Site Meter, my entire readership is already dead.

So, since the only people reading this are the 30 possibly deranged dudes who google Alice the Snorg model everyday, here's some exciting Alice-the-Snorg-model news: Alice is now in college, at Auburn University. In other words, your masturbatory fantasies are now slightly less creepy.

Q: When is a Kiwi most delicious?
A: When it's already ripe

In a related development, lonelygirl15 turns out to be not 16, but 19, i.e. TOTALLY LEGAL. And she's not "Bree," daughter of maniacal religious fanatics, but rather Jessica Rose, from New Zealand, i.e., drunk and fun-loving, i.e., easy. In other words, you nerds totally have a chance with her -- and it won't even be statutory rape!

Unfortunately, it would still be regular rape. T.A.M.S.Y. advises that you stick to your current plan, i.e., googling her constantly and masturbating into a pool of your own tears.

Speaking of lonelygirl15 fans, John Green's second novel, An Abundance of Katherines hits the shelves today! And speaking of hot teenagers, the book is chock full of them!!!

(RECOMMENDED: If you haven't read John's much-acclaimed Looking for Alaska, get the two books packaged together from Amazon.com fo' cheap. For details, click here and check out the "Better Together" offer.)

More on John Green -- and my review of Katherines -- to come.

Q: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?? And what have you done with my Snorg model????

A: Sacrilege! Outrage! Betrayal!

Invasion of the booty snatchers: Not Alice

Fury! Terror! Indignat -- no...wait...you're, uh, kind of hot. I'm sorry, have we met? I'm T.A.M.S.Y. What's a nice girl like you doing on a shitty blog like this?

DEAR SNORGTEES: I must say, I have to commend you for your iconoclastic new marketing approach. That girl's normal-sized rack is officially the smallest pair of breasts ever to appear on a MySpace front page ad. Unexpected! Just when we're expecting you to zig, you zag.

I'm scrambling to calculate what this all means for rack futures, but T.A.M.S.Y. is hereby downgrading its rating of Enormous Breasts^TM from a BUY to a HOLD. Stay tuned for updates, but suffice to say, this can only bode well for the Asian markets.

Speaking of MySpace ads and preposterously sized breasts, we're way overdue for one of the True.com parodies that only I find funny. Stand by!!!

Q: What is the quickest way into a Snorg Tees model girl's heart?

A:

TAMSY-tisement [links to snorgtees.com]

SnorgTees is a proud, proud sponsor of The Answer May Surprise You. Buy a t-shirt immediately.

Q: Has the apocalyptic war against robots already begun?

You are so busted, robots.txt file.

A: Yes it has. And it's beginning with the Blogspot robots.txt files blocking search-engine access to blogs. In other words, HOW ARE GOOGLE USERS SUPPOSED TO FIND THE LATEST SNORG MODEL NEWS!?!? May God have mercy on our souls.

If you're not a nerd, you don't have any idea what I'm talking about, and should instead just focus on this song, which is one of my favorite Stereogum finds ever:

Andrew Thompson
"We're in Business" [link expired]

Also, Soylent Green? It's made out of people. PEOPLE!

UPDATE: The problem seems to be fixed.

Q: Have you touched my bottom lately?

By which I mean, of course, my footer? I don't know if you've noticed, but my blog is kind of a big deal.

ON A RELATED NOTE: Victory is T.A.M.S.Y.'s. By the way, Alice is totally too young for you, you perv.

Also note that the option to subscribe to T.A.M.S.Y. via daily e-digest has been re-added to the sidebar. We deserve each other.

Q: Who's more grizzled: Robert Duvall, Anne Hathaway or the Snorg girl?

One of the fantasticker features on Google Sitemaps is the ability to see which search terms most often lead to your site (regardless of whether or not anyone's clicking through). For instance, here's T.A.M.S.Y.'s chart:

---

Top search queries	Average top position
who's more grizzled	4
snorg tees model	6
"theanswermaysurpriseyou blogspot com"	1
snorg model	2
"abundance of katherines"	36
"who's more grizzled"	5
lebron 1	2
overheardny	4
"california know how to party"	1
answer may surprise	1
german schizer	6
what does konstantine mean	6
my 999	2
what does hustlin mean	2
"snorg tees girl"	5
dimitri simakis	9
bama bound	10
"snorg tees" models	8
anne hathaway masturbating	21
simakis	4

Anne Hathaway: Mastered by my domain

---

I was originally surprised by the number of people who came here searching for German schizer porn, but I was helped in that regard by having used a popular misspelling (it's actually "scheisse"). By the way, we don't have any German scheisse porn here, you perverts.

I also don't believe we have we have a video of (or, for that matter, reference to) Anne Hathaway wanking off -- although urban legend has it that, if you subscribe to my RSS feed, read my blog every day, tell all your friends and family, and make frequent purchases through my sponsors, Anne Hathaway will show up at your apartment and give you a beej. Unconfirmed, but developing.

Alice: My readers want her deflowered

Of the past 4,000 visitors to my blog, 63 were looking for info about (and/or porn featuring) the Snorg model girl, Alice. I don't have much of either, although we are MySpace besties.

We do, however, have some exciting Alice- related news coming, so do stay tuned for that. Feel free to bide your creepy time at this guy's Alice fansite.

According to my Site Meter, the most popular non-Snorg-model Google search leading here is searches for the "Who's More Grizzled?" Saturday Night Life sketch (owing to my coverage of the NYC Beard & Mustache competition).

If you're here because you're looking for that sketch online, I'll save you some time: Give up now. Because the NBC lawyers are a bunch of pansy-ass beyotches, YouTube and other such video-hosting sites disallow SNL sketches. Of course, you'd think that NBC would step up and start offering that much-requested content of their own site. But no. They're cheap, dumb bastards. HEY JEFF ZUCKER: Tell your legal wizards to lighten the frick up. It's called free advertising. Deal with it, man.

FUN FACT: "Who's More Grizzled?" was Norm MacDonald's final appearance on Saturday Night Live before getting canned. At least he went out with class (alongside Robert Duvall and Garth Brooks, no less).

By theoretical popular demand, the full transcript of the sketch, courtesy of snltranscripts.jt.org, appears after the jump.

---

Who's More Grizzled?
featuring
Norm MacDonald as Jim Greer
Robert Duvall as Wayne
Garth Brooks as Tate Mitchem
Jim Breuer as The Prize Keeper

original air date: Feb. 28, 1998

---

Jim Greer: Hello, everyone! I'm Jim Greer, and it's time once again for "Who's More Grizzled?" the game show that finds out who is the roughest, toughest, most hardbitten old-timer around, so let's bring out our contestants. He is our returning champion... [ audience applauds as Wayne enters ] Yes, you have some fans in the audience, Wayne. You are a former sharecropper and a World War II veteran who hails from Adler, Mississippi. So, what are you up to these days, Wayne?

Wayne: I mostly been huntin' and whittlin'.

Jim Greer: Well, that is great. Now, let's meet your opponent, he worked on an offshore oil rig until he broke his back, now he is a prospector. Please welcome Tate Mitchum! [ Tate walks out ] Welcome, Tate, and it looks like Wayne has his work cut out for him, because you, sir, are extremely grizzled!

Tate Mitchum: [ stares ] I don't much care for you.

Jim Greer: A lot of people don't - save it for the game! Let's get started. The categories are: "War," "Hard Times," "Bear Attacks," "Ailments," "Dead Wives," and finally "Coal Mining." And, Wayne, as the returning champion, you pick first.

Wayne: I don't much cotton to these computers today.

Jim Greer: You are good! As always, I'll pick for you. Let's try "Ailments." The question is: "How things treatin' ya?"

Wayne: I can't complain. My leg hurts, it means it's bound to rain. Wish them doctors at the VA could get that shrapnel out of my shoulder.

Jim Greer: That is correct! And, my, you are grizzled. It's still your board, Wayne.

Wayne: A lot of people don't know I was the first man to get a team of horses up Bear Mountain!

Jim Greer: [ pause ] Let's go with "War!" The question is: "Grandpa, tell me a story." [ Tate buzzes in ] Tate!

Tate Mitchum: I was separated from our unit, came across a bunch of Germans asleep a field. Bayonetted every last one of them! Didn't find out 'til later the war had been over for a week.

Jim Greer: Very nice, Tate!

Tate Mitchum: When I was your age, I didn't call my seniors by their Christian name!

Jim Greer: Well, I'm sorry, sir.

Tate Mitchum: Keep it, boy, I'll take a strap to ya!

Jim Greer: I wish I could give you points for that grizzled exchange, but I can't. Let's go to "Dead Wives." The question is: "Life's hard, isn't it?"

Wayne: Damn right it is, Sonny! I lost Adeline in childbirth 40 years ago! Every Spring, when the dogwoods bloom and the posies take a first step, I think of the way she.. [ buzzer ]

Jim Greer: I'm sorry, that's wrong. No, no that wasn't grizzled, that was wistful. [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum, you can take a commanding lead here!

Tate Mitchum: I've buried wives, but a father should never bury a son. It was the flood of '52, we were all caught on the levee, but.. I don't want to talk about this no more.

Jim Greer: Yes! Yes, that is the answer! Well, now, you know what time it is? It's time for the Grizzled Speed Round! This is your chance to catch up, Wayne. One minute, $200 a question, let's begin. Money! [ Wayne buzzes in ]

Wayne: I don't believe in banks, I keep my earnings in a coffee can!

Jim Greer: Correct! Government! [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum!

Tate Mitchum: They oughtta keep their damn noses out of people's business!

Jim Greer: That's right! Higher Education! [ Wayne buzzes in ] Wayne!

Wayne: Never had much cause for book larnin'!

Jim Greer: Yes! Immigration! [ Tate buzzes in ] Mr. Mitchum!

Tate Mitchum: Got a strong back, we can use you!

Jim Greer: Correct! Religion! [ Wayne buzzes in ] Wayne!

Wayne: The day I set foot on that beach in Normandy, I never wished more that there was a god in heaven, and I was never more certain that they wasn't.

Tate Mitchum: Damn.. you are grizzled..

Jim Greer: We have a winner, and still champion -- Wayne Little! Wayne, let's take a look and see what you've won!

Prize Keeper: You have won some salted meats and a bottle of Rebel Yell!

Jim Greer: Thank you both for playing, and, Wayne, enjoy your prizes!

Wayne: No, no, I don't need your charity, they ain't no such thing as a free lunch where I come from! Now, if you'll excuse, I got some work to do. [ exits ]

Tate Mitchum: I'll be waiting for you after the show!

Jim Greer: Okay, that's all the time we have! Thanks for joining us on "Who's More Grizzled?"

Q: Did "Brokeback Mountain" make America faggier? (The answer may subversively titillate you.)

A: Yes, yes it did. Turns out that all those midwestern cineplex owners who were too pansy-ass to screen Ang Lee's "Brokeback Mountain" were just trying to protect their customers' fragile heterosexuality.

Yessir, it's a scientifically proven fact:

You wish you could quit them...
BUT YOU CAN'T.

Watching cowboy-on-cowboy lovemaking really CAN turn you gay.

How do I know? The modern Oracle at Delphi (a.k.a. Google Trends) told me!

Google's new Trends feature, for those of you who missed my 6,472 earlier posts about it, allows you to create charts tracing the popularity of any given search term over the past couple years.

So: A Trends (U.S.) search for "brokeback mountain" produces the following chart for 2005-06:

Google Trends: "Brokeback Mountain"

No big surprises here. Google searches for "Brokeback" spiked first in early Sept. (see "A," above), when the film won the Venice Film Festival, and then exploded in Dec. ("B"), when its field-leading seven Golden Globe noms were announced.

Also take note of the spike that occurs just before "C," coinciding with the film's wide release on Jan. 13th (when it expanded from 683 screens to 1,196).

Here's where it gets interesting: Compare the above to the history of Google searches for "gay sex":

Google Trends: "Brokeback Mountain" vs "gay sex"

Incredibly, Google users' interest in gay-on-gay lovemaking appears to have nearly doubled, at the exact same time that the art-house sensation went wide.

Googling for "gay xxx" didn't even register high enough to be charted until that fateful weekend. Furthermore, searches for "gay porn" reached what was then an all-time high the exact same weekend that "Brokeback Mountain" peaked at the box office, Jan. 20-21 (the gay smut record would be broken again the following Friday)!

Google Trends: "Brokeback Mountain" vs "gay porn"

And yet even as interest in "Brokeback" itself has waned, the Internet community's curiosity about gay sex keeps on soaring to new heights (see chart #2, above).

What does it all mean? Simple: After years of fruitless efforts, Hollywood has finally turned you gay. God only knows what's become of your 11 younger brothers...

(Meanwhile, despite my living a few blocks away from Heath Ledger, and no matter how much time I spend reading Andrew Sullivan's blog, I remain oppressively, preposterously straight. Sigh. I blame the Snorg Tees model.)

---

RELATED: Q: How do I make my son gay? | And why does he reek of patchouli?
Q: Did Alberto's grammy make America illegaler? | Q: How fun is G'gle Trends?
Q: Why did O. Wilde tickle J. Dobson? | Q: Will Andrew Sullivan destroy me?

Q: Why is this child crying?

Little girl: "I want my bloggy"

A: I'm sending in my computer for repairs this week, so prepare for dangerously low bloggage levels over the next few days.

But don't worry, tikes and tikettes, there's always a party going on over at my Google Reader.

Other recommended time-wasters:

• Get on MySpace | Friendster. If you don't, people will start thinking you hate America.
• Last.fm will track your music-listening habits, so you can make fancy charts on your stupid website.
• Get a Gmail account, fer chrissakes. Infitely better than Yahoo and Hotmail.
• Flickr is the best way to share photos online, so you can tell me how much you love my blog and then show me how hot you are.
  
• Sign up for Christian Rudder's OKCupid -- they sell if as a dating site, but it's totally worth it, even if you're already married, just to take some of the personality tests (e.g., the amazingly accurate Which Director Would Film Your Life Story? Test). Rudder is the guy who created the late, great TheSpark.com.
• Everything promoted by Google on this page (especially Firefox) is positively worth your time. Stop using Internet Explorer -- it's dangerously open to spyware and viruses, and all-around terrible.
• Ogle Snorg Tees models. But not in a misogynistic way.
• Start a blog of your own.
  

All services provided free of charge, courtesy of my girlfriend The Internet.

Q: Have you seen Google Trends?

NOTE: If you're looking for Alice, the Snorg Tees model girl, you can find more content using the search function in my sidebar (see: right).

A: Probably not, unless I've already forced it on you via IM.

Google Trends provides a glimpse into what has captured, or lost, the world's attention the past two years. The tool allows users to trace the popularity of any given search topic over time, and to compare those trends to trends in media coverage, and to those of other topics. For example...

VIA GOOGLE TRENDS: The war in Iraq, Brangelina vs TomKat, or LeBron James vs Steve Nash.

Sounds boring? WRONG. It's seventy milllion hours worth of fun. Or maybe I'm a huge nerd.

---

• MUY CALIENTE: Me.
• MUCHO CALIENTE: You.
  
• LOSING CALIENTE?: The recent past.
• STILL HIDEOUS: The nineties.
  
• BETTER THAN A PUBLICIST: Making a baby.
• WORSE THAN A PUBLICIST: Being a parent.
• BETTER THAN BABIES: Going completely insane.
• BETTER THAN INSANITY: Wardrobe malfunctions. (a.k.a, Justin's shining moment).

---

Note that Google Trends is still in prototype mode. It's one of the latest additions to Google Labs (where my favoritest company ever tests out their mind-blowing new products).

But even in prototype mode, it's my Internet compulsion du jour -- in the grand tradition of Friendster (2003-04), Pandora (Dec. 2005), Wonkette (Sept. - Nov. 2004), Last.fm (last month), Leigh Householder (summer '04, until she turned out to be married), the online version of Chuck Woolery's Lingo (last week), my crippling gambling addiction (it's all a blur), and the adorably cross-eyed Snorg model (now and forever).

In case you hadn't noticed. More unsolicited trends to come.

Q: Are my answers now guaranteed surprising? The answer may surprise you...

STOP EVERYTHING: I'm proud to announce that my humble blog, The Answer May Surprise You -- first published three months ago, with nothing more than a college-ruled notebook, a Crayola crayon (burnt sienna), a CB radio, and a single Canadian dime -- is now scientifically proven to be

My blog is especially popular here.

the world's leading provider of answers with a potential for surprisingness.

What a stupendous honor. What a ... a stupendous, stupendous honor. Oh jeez, I ... There are just so many people and all-powerful deities that I need to thank ... I -- I promised myself I wouldn't cry, or make a scene, or ever shake a baby ... Thanks to Google -- I couldn't have done this without you, quite literally ... Lindsay Lohan; my parents ... Zeus, Dionysus, and everyone at Mt. Olympus ... my agent J. Analogue and micro-manager Seamus George ...

I know I'm going to forget someone ... Mr. Kim and everyone at the Kims' bodega on Smith Street ... the tech team at Blogspot, who never allow the site to go down for more than several hours per day ... and of course, the Snorg Tees ad girl, for -- well, Snorg Tees ad girl, what can I say that hasn't been said by me already? Through thick and thin, you've never been anything less than stacktabulous and outfitted in charming pop-witticisms. This one's for you.

But above all, I'd like to thank my readers ...

Specifically, the ones who clicked through to this page; everyone else is dead to me. And even more than any of them, I'd like to thank the big guy upstairs: Myself. So thanks, me, for living the ultimate dream, and for never allowing abject poverty to interfere with my desire to stand among the world's top six or seven million most prominent blogs.

SUFFICE TO SAY: I am overwhelmed by a feeling that I don't quite recognize, aside from its being exactly everything Buddhists talk about in depicting the state of Nirvana. With an unexpected aftertaste of horse tranquilizer.

What's funny is that I've dreamed of this day for so very long (approx. three months), and yet now that it's finally come, I can barely manage put it into words. Which is ironic, given that my uncanny ability to answer any question that I choose to ask myself is exactly what made me an American Institution in the first place.

Who's a misogynist now, beyotch?

Kristiana H., right

Kristiana H., a dim, racist Texan who I recently had the pleasure of hosting, has called me out on her blog as a "misogynist loser."

She made this judgment on the basis of my having spoken out against women -- namely a woman, namely her, namely when I kicked her drunken ass out of my apartment at 1AM on Saturday.

In any event, I'd like to state publicly that, while I am indisputably a HUGE loser, I am not a misogynist. Even if I did hate women, it would only be exactly as much as I hate men -- but the thing is, I TOTALLY LOVE women. They're such babes!

And when it comes to females I love, the woman who really wears the pants in my heart is the amazingly hottt Snorg Tees girl who always shows up in MySpace ads (see: amazingly hottt girl pictured at right).

Oh Snorg girls! Who in their right mind could deny suffrage to YOU!?

Anyway, to Kristiana H. (who, incidentally, graduates from Columbia j-school today): I don't know if you read my blog, but if so, hopefully I've set the record straight. If not, please let me know, and I will continue (a) recommending Wonkette and (b) posting photos of amazing hotties whom I respect for both their bodies and their hair.

RELATED ANSWERS THAT MAY SURPRISE YOU:

• Which countries currently have a female head of state? [Ask Yahoo!]
• Dustee vs. Stormie: Who is the hottest hottie in gov't? [Wonkette]
• Condi Rice's playlist drops it like it's hot. [SDM]
  
• Is everyone who models for Snorg amazingly hot? [Snorg]