Q: Why does Jake Westbrook look like he's about to throw up?

A: I don't know, but it terrifies me to find out.

Will the prophecies be fulfilled? Or will your months of constant worrying be proven valid? Is this blog still running? All of these answers and more, on the next scintillating edition of T.A.M.S.Y.

Q: How do you calculate a team's magic number (or more specifically, how do you calculate the Cleveland Indians' magic number)?

Talkin' baseball: Why, don't mind if I do.

A: The magic number (the number of wins + opponent losses a team needs to clinch the playoffs) can be calculated via this guy's method — essentially:

M# = 163 - W_team-1 - L_team-2

Thus the Cleveland Indians' Magic Number over the Detroit Tigers, per today's standings, is (163 - 83 [CLE wins] - 66 [DET losses]), or 14.

Baseball Prospectus' magical robotic prediction machines put our odds at making the playoffs at 97.5% (on Aug. 15th, it was 49.5%, so the past few weeks have gone about as well as possible, unless you're a Tigers fan, in which case, sorry).

The way we're playing now, behind the pitching of Sabathia, Carmona and Westbrook, we should have a shot against anyone in October. Unfortunately, "anyone" will probably turn out to be both the Yankees and Red Sox, both of whom terrify me.

(Specifically what terrifies me is the prospect of the unbearable pain of losing to either one of those loathsome teams' loathsome fan bases. But then, beating both teams in one postseason would be eventually looked back upon as the greatest accomplishment of our entire mutual lives, so it's an exciting kind of terror).

Yes, it's a great time to be a Cleveland sports fan. Too bad we don't have a football team, or this fall would be really exciting!

Because four of you care, here are some Cleveland sports blogs worth subscribing to:

• Let's Go Tribe
  
• Mistake by the Lake Sporting Times
• Vinny & the Hornless Rhino
• Many Go; Few Understand
• Brian Windhorst's Cavaliers Blog
• Why Wahoo Weeps [pending me starting it]

And Joe Posnanski's The Soul of Baseball is great no matter which team you follow.

Q: Why is 2007 most certainly the Cleveland Indians' year?

A: Because 2007 is the year I unveil my Cleveland sports blog.

Have you seen it? Probably not, since I just bought the domain five seconds ago...

WhyWahooWeeps.com
(coming soon to an Internet near you...)

And so it begins. Sort of.

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EDIT: Added weepy Wahoo.

Q: What, the old headline wasn't condescending enough?

A: Thanks, New York Times. Way to rub it in.

• Yes, You Can Surf in Cleveland, Before the Brown Water Freezes [NYT]

EARLIER: Yes, You Can Surf in Cleveland

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RED SCARE: On Friday -- the day after the Hard Rock Cafe became big business news -- Reuters ran a completely unrelated feature on Don Bernstine, the Hard Rock's "memorabilia hunter."

The story's author, Jonathan Oatis, apparently wasn't aware of the impending sale of the chain to the Florida Seminole tribe when he wrote the story, but Bernstine might have had an inkling...

Don Bernstine travels the world visiting rock stars in their homes and backstage and spends tens of thousands of dollars of his employer's money buying guitars, concert costumes and other music memorabilia.

So, it's no surprise that the Hard Rock Cafe's memorabilia hunter says he'll give up his job when someone pries it from his "cold, dead fingers."

Jeez, kemosabe, put down your dukes! The whole Custer's-last-stand routine is sooooo 1876.

Besides, what makes you so paranoid about getting axed? You think an organization of Native Americans will be somehow uncomfortable with the concept of being taught to hunt by a white man?

Oh, wait...

EARLIER: Rumored New Policies at the Hard Rock Cafe

Q: Why is Chief Wahoo smiling wider than ever?

A: Because ownership of the Hard Rock Cafe has been transferred to American hands -- Native American hands -- as Britain's Rank Group announced today it will sell the international restaurant & casino chain to the Seminole tribe of Florida in a deal worth nearly a billion dollars.

The deal apparently doesn't include the hugely valuable Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas, which Cafe co-founder Peter Morton sold earlier this year to Morgans Hotel Group for $770 million (the land occupied by the hotel's pool is valued at $50 million alone, says Wikipedia). That package also included exclusive rights to the Hard Rock Hotel brand in the western half of the US.

In any event, one London analyst called the price of the Seminole deal "slightly disappointing." T.A.M.S.Y. knows nothing about the value of such things, but we hope that analyst is correct, because we're always supportive of Indians finding new ways to rape back the colonists.

We're not sure what to think, though, of the rumored changes the Seminoles plan to institute in Hard Rock Cafes worldwide...

RUMORED NEW POLICIES AT THE
FLORIDA SEMINOLES' HARD ROCK CAFES

• Overpriced beverages now referred to as "Seminole fluids."
• Line chefs getting high on break now required to smoke from peace pipe.
• Crazy Horse to receive lifetime supply of curly fries with purchase of full-price meal; Neil Young still required to pay for curly fries.
• Ticket booths outside of all Hard Rock Live! events now uniformly considered scalpers.
• Axl Rose's feathered hair now to contain actual feathers.
  
• Caucasians explicitly banned.
• Appetizers, entrees no longer designed to taste like shit.
• Reservations required.

Aside from all that, T.A.M.S.Y. offers kudos to the Florida Seminoles for proving that it really is a long way to the top if you want to rock & roll.

Susanna & the Magical Orchestra - It's a Long Way to the Top [mp3]

Melody Mountain, 2006

For what it's worth, that album is totally excellent. I've already made a spot for it near the top of my forthcoming best of 2006 list.

Q: What are you doing in my absence?

A: Crying hysterically, I know.

Sorry things've been so quiet on the T.A.M.S.Y. front this past week. I'm trying to get some actual work done. You know, just for the sake of variety. In the meantime, take a look at the new additions to my sidebar, now featuring three delightful RSS feeds for your perusing pleasure:

Baby: "Holy shit, I love RSS feeds!!!"

(1) T.A.M.S.Y.-Tested News + Notes: Hand-picked highlights from around the blogosphere. Updated multiple times per day, except for when I forget.

(2) Falcor's Posse Has an RSS Feed: The latest in bloggage from the people I know, love and/or want to put it to. Updated IN REAL TIME!!! courtesy of modern technology.

(3) Cleveland Sports Heroin Needle: Everything you need to know about the latest crippling Browns loss, failed Indians free-agent signing or lawsuit involving LeBron James' mom. Also updated in real time, so you won't have to miss a single agonizing detail.

What this means for you, loyal readers, is that even when I'm too busy / lazy / depressed / drug-addled / deceased to blog, you can always rely on The Answer May Surprise You for sexy new content to distract you from your suffocating livelihood. Hurray for my generosity.

The RSS feeds are all made possible by my girlfriend Google. Get started with your own Google Reader account, and someday you too will know the joy of forcing content on your acquaintances.

Oh, yeah, I've also added FREE Snap Preview Anywhere^TM capabilities to the site, which you may have already noticed if you hovered your cursor over any of these links. This feature falls somewhere between "annoying" and "merely useless," I can't quite decide.