Q: What is this morning's least surprising news development? Or should we just call it a three-million way tie?

It's probably a bad sign for the state of international journalism when you look at the morning's headlines and the only surprising answer is in the weather forecast.

Lake Erie: Beginning to look a lot like Christmas?

Not that I'm complaining about the forecast, mind you; I was just outside, and it's a balmy 52°. After this post, I'm heading straight for the beach. Surf's up, beyotch!!

But while I've no problem with thermometers hearkening back to bygone days, I find it disconcerting that the rest of the news is headed the same direction.

Granted, we all approach the news these days expecting a bit of recycled material. You know, things like United States trapped in meaningless quagmire, or Kremlin murders guy who says bad things about Kremlin, or Israeli/Palestinian relations growing tense or Republican president is idiot. It's the nature of history to repeat itself, and the nature of journalists to barely notice. I get all that.

Still, something about today feels even more recycled-er than ever. I initially thought maybe Google News was running a "greatest hits" compilation of the past year, or the past 30 years -- or the past 130 years, considering that Jack the Ripper is evidently still murdering British hookers.

Four stories in particular, though, stand out as particularly unsurprising. Help me choose the unsurprisingest!

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THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO DUH

1) IRAQ WAR = UNPOPULAR: Americans Say U.S. Is Losing War [WaPo]

Look, anyone who reads this blog regularly, which is at least three people, knows that I have always supported things that make the Bush administration look bad (e.g., reality). But the daily polls revealing that people think the war is going poorly -- am I still expected to find this fascinating? Do newspaper editors think I wake up each morning to thoughts of, "Gosh, I wonder if the past 24 hours of bloody mayhem and chaos have led Americans to embrace the war enthusiastically! Where can I get some numbers on that?"

2) JEWS = NUCLEAR: Israel's Olmert under fire over nuclear remarks [Reuters]

Lehrer: 'Who's dated now, bitch?'

Granted, I do appreciate the rather awkward faux pas-ness of this story. The old, "I'm sorry, did I just say we had nuclear weapons? What I meant to say was HEY WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE [runs away]." That's just solid Borscht Belt humor.

My issue with this is more, Since when did we not know Israel had the bomb? I totally didn't know it was supposed to be a secret. Frankly, I'm just glad it wasn't me who let the cat out of the bag. Granted, I base all my information on who does or doesn't have the bomb on a 40-year-old Tom Lehrer song.

3) DAVID DUKE = BIGOT: KKK's David Duke Tells Iran Holocaust Conference That Gas Chambers Not Used to Kill Jews [FOX Cleveland]

You know, I'm just blue-skying here, but it seems like we're getting to a point where we can't trust David Duke's insight on sensitive ethnic issues anymore. I don't want to jump the gun or anything.

Actually, I have to disqualify this story's lack of surprisingness, because I find it way too hilarious that (a) David Duke still gets speaking-engagement work, and (b) in Iran. Let's just pray he's being shadowed by a documentarian, because Live from Tehran, It's David Duke! is going to be the There's Something About Mary of 2007.


4) ANGELINA JOLIE = HOMEWRECKER: Jolie Fell in Love with Pitt while He Was Still Married [E Canada Now]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, so that's how she got inseminated by his sperm!

Q: Remember that would-be "dirty bomber," Jose Padilla?

A: If you're like most of our nation's capital, writes Andrew Sullivan, you've probably forgotten him.

Sullivan's essay in the Sunday Times will surely jog your memory -- and his account of what's happened to Jose Padilla in the four years since Bush dubbed him an "enemy combatant" will leave you with some disturbing new ones.

• Jose, Victim of a Sinister New America [Sunday Times] [via the Daily Dish]

"Pucho" Padilla: Not such a "dirty" bird after all?

Note that the media hysteria from 2002 about Padilla's ominous plans to detonate a dirty bomb was probably bullshit; the crimes for which he was finally charged don't even mention it. Meanwhile, federal prosecutors seek to block Padilla's attorneys from asking questions the Pentagon doesn't care to answer.

Of course, Americans only have time to be outraged about one Padilla, and they prefer to focus on the one who can throw a baseball. Not that paying Vincente Padilla $11.25 million per year isn't outrageous -- it totally is. Dude's not even that good.

Q: Why is Sacramento glued to the couch?

A: Every so often, a local television news team stumbles onto a story so disconcerting that it threatens to turn the entire community on its head. When one such story was uncovered by KCRA-3 Sacramento, it would take equal parts perspective, courage, investigative know-how and analytical aptitude to do the drama justice.

What really strikes me here is the quality of both the writing and the performance, and how each complements the other to grab and hold our attention. I may give local newscasters a hard time, but here's one they finally got right.

Q: IS IT MORNING IN AMERICA!?!?

A: Just ask Fox News!



Oh God, the excitement!! I can barely handle it!!!!

(By the way, you've really got to hand it to Fox News. They know how to hammer it home when they want you to think the news is bad. Paired with that photo of a Satanic-looking Nancy Pelosi, celebratory claws outstretched, that headline suddenly looks frightening even to T.A.M.S.Y.)

Q: Best Halloween costume ever?

A: Thomas Connolly -- an attorney from Scarborough, Maine who previously made headlines during election season 2000 for releasing details of W.'s drunk driving conviction -- was arrested on Halloween for walking around South Portland dressed in an Osama bin Laden costume.

Under normal circumstances, I would've thought this was a Republican conspiracy -- to jail an innocent man, for a non-existent infraction, as means of petty revenge. A very long-percolating, elaborate, confusing Republican conspiracy.

In the defense of the Scarborough police department, though, you have to admit that, based on Reuters' coverage of the arrest, it appears that it was indeed a very, very good costume.


Wow. Not even Robin Williams' gay brother in Mrs. Doubtfire could've pulled that off.

It also warrants mentioning that Thomas Connolly is apparently kind of an idiot.

Lt. Todd Bernard said the police department received calls about a man wearing Middle Eastern garb and a bin Laden mask and carrying fake dynamite standing along an interstate highway. When police arrived, they saw Connolly holding a gun.

"They ordered him to drop the weapon several times and he eventually complied," Bernard said...

"I didn't expect to be arrested," [Connolly] said. "Obviously I touched a post-9/11 nerve."

Um, yeah, yeah you did. You also perhaps touched a pre-9/11 nerve -- specifically, the one about dudes strapped with dynamite waving firearms at oncoming motorists. I believe it's got something to do with Americans' desire not to be murdered, which has been around since at least the 1970s.

Q: Are Mets fans silent, deadly?

A: No, they're loud, obnoxious and deadly. But it's QUIET funny that you mention that, because the Mets and Cardinals are in the middle of QUIET a battle.

ESPN.com told me so QUIET recently.

OH SNAP EMBARASSING TYPO!

[NOTE: My blog is slowly becoming the crazy old man who writes daily letters to his local paper listing punctuation errors. DEAL WITH IT.]

Also, Endy Chavez just made what will probably be --especially if the Mets win -- considered the greatest catch in postseason history (suck it, Willie Mays), to rob St. Louis' Scott Rolen of a two-run homer.

Of course, T.A.M.S.Y. hates all teams from New York, but it really was a snazzy little catch. Congratulations to Endy, baseball player and huge fan of The Answer May Surprise You.

ALSO: Sexy Teenage Susie recently linked me to this kickass New Yorker story about clumsy kajillionaire Steve Wynn and his enormous drunken elbow. Very entertaining.