A: Seriously, guys, wtf? No one anticipated that perhaps this might result in some scheduling confusion? Do you realize that a bimonthly magazine is published exactly as often, and simultaneously 16 times less frequently, than a biweekly? Is this some kind of scam by the publishers of Scale Aviation Magazine to confuse the elderly into thinking teenagers are stealing their mail?
As you may recall from your fifth-grade history curriculum, Merriam & Webster had planned to sort this out at their "biannual" meetings, but after Merriam didn't show up for the first three, a despondent Webster descended into the secret chamber behind George Papadopolis' grandfather clock and died of a broken heart and autoerotic asphyxiation.
The moral of the story is, when ordering bisexual hookers, take care to clarify the terms of the agreement in advance. Remember: Every time you're stabbed to death in a dispute with a pimp, T.A.M.S.Y. loses one-third of our remaining readership.
A: The Smithsonian ran a cool story in its November issue, "Speaking Bonobo," about the language comprehension skills of Kanzi, a bonobo ape at Des Moines, Iowa's Great Ape Trust. According to Sue Savage-Rumbaugh, the psychologist who trained him, Kanzi can understand 3,000 spoken English words (including 348 he can identify on a special symbol-based keyboard).
Kanzi pushes the button for "Consciousness is a curse"
If you watched much Reading Rainbow as a kid, like I did, I'm sure you remember Koko's Kitten, about the real-life story of Koko the gorilla, whose trainers taught her remedial sign language. Koko signed "cat" repeatedly to ask for a kitten for her birthday, and then signs assorted :( words after (SPOILER ALERT!!!!!) her kitten is mowed down by a car.
You probably remember it as the day you were introduced to the concept of death by LaVar Burton, and/or the saddest goddamn thing you've ever seen. And so you might not be entirely surprised by Kanzi's language abilities. But check this out:
She and her colleagues have been testing the bonobos' ability to express their thoughts vocally, rather than by pushing buttons. In one experiment she described to me, she placed Kanzi and Panbanisha, his sister, in separate rooms where they could hear but not see each other. Through lexigrams, Savage-Rumbaugh explained to Kanzi that he would be given yogurt. He was then asked to communicate this information to Panbanisha. "Kanzi vocalized, then Panbanisha vocalized in return and selected 'yogurt' on the keyboard in front of her," Savage-Rumbaugh tells me.
In other words, not only can Kanzi "understand" (or at least recognize) the word "yogurt," he can also communicate "yogurt" in ape-speak! Totally awesome. (I mean, assuming this isn't a scam or whatever; I'm curious as to what other experiments the psychologists have run, and whether or not they've been successful.)
Bonobos: 'WE FUCKIN' LOVE YOGURT!!!'
MORE: "Speaking Bonobo" complements a larger feature, "The Smart and Swinging Bonobo," exploring the endangered status of these violent, horny, and all around adorable primates. Plus, see the Web exclusive "Bonobo Paradise," a.k.a. MTV Cribs: Lola Ya Bonobo.
DID YOU KNOW? Calling a monkey "chimp" is totally racist. "Chimp" is short, of course, for chimpanzee, and chimpanzees (including bonobos, a.k.a., pygmy chimpanzees) are apes, not monkeys. Don't get them confused, or you'll look like a dumb Polack.
A: Seriously, guys, wtf? No one anticipated that perhaps this might result in some scheduling confusion? Do you realize that a bimonthly magazine is published exactly as often, and simultaneously 16 times less frequently, than a biweekly? Is this some kind of scam by the publishers of Scale Aviation Magazine to confuse the elderly into thinking teenagers are stealing their mail?
, about the real-life story of 
