Q: If you prick Lindsay Lohan, does she not bleed cocaine?

A: The District Attorney of Los Angeles officially declared today that Lindsay Lohan is not a felon, just gellin' like one. And by "gellin'" I mean "carrying cocaine."

But only a little cocaine! As the D.A. explained, a little blow is totally fine, you know, just enough to take the edge off. Moderation is the key. Remember, it's cocaine, not Pringles.

Anyway, this is very sad news indeed — and not because Lohan is quote catching a break unquote in the words of some quote journalists unquote comma but rather because the D.A. is being way way too harsh exclamation point exclamation point exclamation point

The fact is, letting Lindsay "La Dolce BJ" Lohan roam the streets unsupervised by law enforcement is the precise equivalent of sentencing her to death.

Q: Was I maybe too hard on you, TMZ.com?

A: Right now on Google News:


Kudos to NBC-4 for realizing that if you really want to understand the emotional depth of this story, you're going to need a lot of cocaine.

EARLIER: R.I.P. America's dignity.

Q: Could someone please take some photographs of Lindsay Lohan? Because TMZ.com is running out.

Oh, thx, this will do for now.

A: I don't spend much, or for that matter any, time on TMZ.com, on account of how it makes my eyes bleed, but a Friend Who Shall Remain Nameless for the Sake of Her Dignity linked me there for the BREAKING, EXCLUSIVE, BREAKINGLY EXCLUSIVE, ETC. news on Lindsay Lohan's DUI, and it reminded me of how our culture is dying.

I know blogging is a medium rooted in the ephemeral, the disposable, and the generally shitty, but honestly: ten consecutive posts in one hour about Lindsay Lohan getting caught with drugs for the seventy billionth time? I thought they'd hit rock bottom here, until they dedicated a post to how Lohan will probably not be on The Tonight Show. WELL THERE GOES MY NIGHT.

In other news, Iraq exploded, everyone in Africa is dead, and OHMYGOD OWEN WILSON BOUGHT NEW PANTS.

I can't remember if I had a point here. Good thing this is a blog. Hey, remember when Lindsay Lohan was so hot? Those were the days.

AND SPEAKING OF HOTNESS: Greeks unite vs. tyranny.