Q: What are Jay-Z's 99 non-bitch-related problems?

99 PROBLEMS JAY-Z HAS, NONE OF WHICH IS A BITCH:

• Mild indigestion
• Wants to switch to Cingular; still has 18 months remaining on contract with T-Mobile
• Can't remember where he put iPod
  
• Neighborhood convenience store no longer carries favorite variety of Fresh Samantha
• Comeback album kind of boring
• Got the rap patrol on the gat patrol
• Is being attacked by 92 Jack Russell Terriers (all male)
• LeBron

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Jay-Z vs. The Beatles
99 Problems
Danger Mouse Presents the Grey Album, 2004

SPEAKING OF WHICH: I always wondered what having the rap patrol on the gat patrol entailed, exactly. Hurray for rapper Wikipedia.

Q: What do Don Imus and Kurt Vonnegut have in common?

A: They're both famous Americans! Also:

• Several thousand consecutive bad hair days.
• Imus was a champion of radio aired during breakfast; Vonnegut wrote Breakfast of Champions.
• Recent career setbacks.
• Black humor.

Q: Why is Chief Wahoo smiling wider than ever?

A: Because ownership of the Hard Rock Cafe has been transferred to American hands -- Native American hands -- as Britain's Rank Group announced today it will sell the international restaurant & casino chain to the Seminole tribe of Florida in a deal worth nearly a billion dollars.

The deal apparently doesn't include the hugely valuable Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas, which Cafe co-founder Peter Morton sold earlier this year to Morgans Hotel Group for $770 million (the land occupied by the hotel's pool is valued at $50 million alone, says Wikipedia). That package also included exclusive rights to the Hard Rock Hotel brand in the western half of the US.

In any event, one London analyst called the price of the Seminole deal "slightly disappointing." T.A.M.S.Y. knows nothing about the value of such things, but we hope that analyst is correct, because we're always supportive of Indians finding new ways to rape back the colonists.

We're not sure what to think, though, of the rumored changes the Seminoles plan to institute in Hard Rock Cafes worldwide...

RUMORED NEW POLICIES AT THE
FLORIDA SEMINOLES' HARD ROCK CAFES

• Overpriced beverages now referred to as "Seminole fluids."
• Line chefs getting high on break now required to smoke from peace pipe.
• Crazy Horse to receive lifetime supply of curly fries with purchase of full-price meal; Neil Young still required to pay for curly fries.
• Ticket booths outside of all Hard Rock Live! events now uniformly considered scalpers.
• Axl Rose's feathered hair now to contain actual feathers.
  
• Caucasians explicitly banned.
• Appetizers, entrees no longer designed to taste like shit.
• Reservations required.

Aside from all that, T.A.M.S.Y. offers kudos to the Florida Seminoles for proving that it really is a long way to the top if you want to rock & roll.

Susanna & the Magical Orchestra - It's a Long Way to the Top [mp3]

Melody Mountain, 2006

For what it's worth, that album is totally excellent. I've already made a spot for it near the top of my forthcoming best of 2006 list.

Q: What are the most expensive animation cels of all time?

A: Since T.A.M.S.Y.'s had 'toons on the brain lately, I thought you might like to know. Sneak preview:

M.M.'s big moment: good for $65K; not enough crack the top three.

After which maybe you could explain to me how Mulan makes the list, even though it says The Little Mermaid, from nine years earlier, was the last 'toon to use hand-drawn cells. Also, who cares enough about Mulan to drop $43K on a painting of Shan Yu?

X-MAS REMINDER: If anyone happens to fall into great wealth in the near future, I'll happily accept your gift of a cel from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, my favorite movie evverrrrr.

Q: Does anyone want to start a ska band?

A: I don't play any instruments, and I hate ska, but I'd really like to have a ska band, just so we could have a classic ska name, like Mephiskapheles.

SOME IDEAS:

Askapolypse Now
Skaddam Hussein
Ska-arface
AskaJeeves.com
A School for Skandal
Mahmoud Ahmedineska
Skamerican History X
Trading In His Chevy for a Skadillac-ac-ac-ac-ac-ac
Oskama bin Skadin
George W. Ska
AskaJeeves.ska

Or we could just be a ska band that only covered Patti Smith, and call ourselves The New Unicorns. Because it'd be like Horses, but with horns.

This post is dedicated to Scott Cohen.