Q: The iPhone has already ended the Iraq war, cured cancer, and rescued thousands of kittens from burning homes — but will it blend?

A: Another entry from the In-Case-You-Missed-It Dept.:

[via WFMU and Sullivan and a kajillion other places]

Cheap thrills. (Oh, unless you're Haitian, in which case it's five years' salary worth of thrills. But then, Michael Bay's Transformers is approx. 1.5 million years' salary worth of thrills, so I suppose it's all relative.)

Q: Why do you look so confused?

A: In this world, nothing can be said to be as confusing as women and taxes.

Q: Why do filmgoers so love the Greeks?

Beware of Greeks bearing GIFs.

A: I don't know, but one thing is clear: Greeks are 100% solid box-office gold.

A few years ago, movie audiences first proved their desperate hunger for Greek-themed celluloid when they flocked like lemmings to the mediocre My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Against all logic or reason, the Nia Vardalos vehicle eventually became the most lucrative independent film in the history of time. Now that's desperation.

Last weekend, the Grecian formula was spil't again — and lo and beholdopolous, it's still turning Hollywood's hair green: Spartan propaganda piece 300 rode a gilded chariot to cash-money Olympus with a reported $70 million opening.

HOY HOY HOY, indeed. Hellenicism hasn't proven so lucrative since the last time I got cleaned out by the Greektown Casino.

300, of course, is Zach (Dawn of the Dead) Snyder's hyperreal adaptation of Frank (Sin City) Miller's Greeks-and-gore graphic novel. You probably already saw it, but refresh yourself with this thrilling trailer:



NEXT: T.A.M.S.Y. reviews 300. Yes, T.A.M.S.Y. actually saw a movie within six months of its release. I'm as amazed as you are.

Q: How can I get invited to an elite BitTorrent tracker? You know, the really good shit?

A: You have to know a guy. Or know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy. It's kind of like with drugs, except not illegal, except, no wait, it's illegal. Point being, it's not all that simple.

Except today -- and today only -- it is exactly all that simple. The normally invitation-only [redacted] is temporarily offering open sign-ups, in a fleeting moment of yuletide good will.

It's like how Scrooge brought Tiny Tim all those gifts and a turkey, just because he was filled with Christmas spirit! Oh, and because he'd been viciously terrorized by the dead. In this case, though, it's more like if he'd given Tiny Tim an eighth of shrooms and taught him how to hotwire cars.

Of course, I don't have a [redacted] account, because I'm not a criminal. But that shouldn't stop you from getting in on the hot, hot-wiring action.

And if you have no idea what BitTorrent is, but you've heard the kids talking about it and you're curious, here's a beginner's guide (or if you like a challenge, Wikipedia has the complicated version).

The only software you'll need to get started is the phenomenal µTorrent, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise (unless you're a Mac user, in which case, I don't know, let Jordan tell you otherwise).

TECH-BIZ: It's not exactly the newest of news, but did you hear BitTorrent^TM used some of its nouveau richeness to acquire µTorrent? I have nothing new to add, except: Here's hoping they don't screw it up.

Q: What's the United States top cash crop?

A: Not corn and not wheat. In fact, according to the findings in a newly released study, one popular lil' plant is more lucrative than corn and wheat combined.

Can you guess what it is? The answer may surprise you... unless you're as stoned as the majority of my readership.

$uper Skunk: From xPat's designer seed collection.

Yep, that's right: It's weed, with a gross annual value topping $35 billion, according to a newly released report.

• Pot is called biggest cash crop [LATimes]

SACRAMENTO — For years, activists in the marijuana legalization movement have claimed that cannabis is America's biggest cash crop. Now they're citing government statistics to prove it.

A report released today by a marijuana public policy analyst contends that the market value of pot produced in the U.S. exceeds $35 billion — far more than the crop value of such heartland staples as corn, soybeans and hay, which are the top three legal cash crops.

I'm way more surprised that hay is top-three material than I am by marijuana's dominance, but I digress¹.

Some might assume that Jon Gettman, the report's author, skewed the numbers to exaggerate the dope biz's success, given that Gettman is head of the pro-medical marijuana Coalition for Rescheduling Cannabis, and has a vested interest in hyping the War on Drugs' failures. A quick review of the math, though, suggests that -- although Gettman's numbers do involve a lot of guesswork -- his conclusions may actually be on the conservative side.

The $35 billion figure is based on the following basic estimates (and you can download the entire report as a PDF here):

1. Domestic marijuana production is 10,000 metric tons (or 22 million lbs.) annually, according to a 2005 State Department report.
2. Gettman estimates average value of a pound of pot at $1,600 to producers (not to be confused with street value, commonly cited by law enforcement agencies to be between $2,000 and $4,000 per pound, according to the LA Times' piece).

First off, that valuation of marijuana's street value strikes me as preposterously low. Consider: $4,000/lb. = $250/ounce = $31.25 per eighth.

In my experience, you'll have a hard impossible time finding pot even close to that cheap (let alone half that). As far as I've ever known, the going rate is $50 -- and while you might find it as low as $40, you'll be more likely to pay $60.

In New York, you'll pay much more than that: $30 per delivered gram is not uncommon, which equates to more then $105 per eighth (note to self: no wonder we could barely afford to eat). The only place I've ever seen weed for under $40 is dirt-poor Athens, Ohio.

Gettman himself calls the estimate of $1,600/lb. (in production value) conservative. I have no clue how we might devise a more realistic number here, but even $2,400/lb. equates to just $18.75/eighth wholesale -- and that would push the total domestic crop value to over $52 billion.

The bigger problem, though, is probably that first number, the State Department's estimate of total domestic marijuana production. For one thing, 10,000 metric tons looks like a grossly rounded number, even for an estimate. For another thing, government offices have a history of making shit up, partly because they have no idea and partly because inflating the numbers works as a great scare tactic in the effort to drum up public funding.

I'd like to explore that issue further, but I'm going to save that for a follow-up post tomorrow, because (a) I'm running long and (b) if I have to spend one more minute today trying to make sense of the gobbledygook that humanity calls "statistics"², I'm going to stab my eyes out.

ALSO: Speaking of things that make me want to stab my eyes out, take a gander at the response to this study from Tom Riley, White House spokesman. Maybe he was high when he said it, but what the hell is his point here?

---

¹ Subsequent Googling indicates I had good reason to be surprised; the Times is wrong. According to the EPA's data from 2000, hay ranks third in acreage but fifth in cash receipts. Just another reminder that you can't trust journalists.

Oh, wait, maybe they're just looking at old data from 1997, maybe because they did their research using Wikipedia. Or maybe they have newer data that I just can't find. In summary, I have no fucking clue. Just another reminder that you can't trust the government, Wikipedia, statistics the farming industry or my blog.

² For more on this, see the footnotes. Oh, wait, you already did.

Q: What, the old headline wasn't condescending enough?

A: Thanks, New York Times. Way to rub it in.

• Yes, You Can Surf in Cleveland, Before the Brown Water Freezes [NYT]

EARLIER: Yes, You Can Surf in Cleveland

---

RED SCARE: On Friday -- the day after the Hard Rock Cafe became big business news -- Reuters ran a completely unrelated feature on Don Bernstine, the Hard Rock's "memorabilia hunter."

The story's author, Jonathan Oatis, apparently wasn't aware of the impending sale of the chain to the Florida Seminole tribe when he wrote the story, but Bernstine might have had an inkling...

Don Bernstine travels the world visiting rock stars in their homes and backstage and spends tens of thousands of dollars of his employer's money buying guitars, concert costumes and other music memorabilia.

So, it's no surprise that the Hard Rock Cafe's memorabilia hunter says he'll give up his job when someone pries it from his "cold, dead fingers."

Jeez, kemosabe, put down your dukes! The whole Custer's-last-stand routine is sooooo 1876.

Besides, what makes you so paranoid about getting axed? You think an organization of Native Americans will be somehow uncomfortable with the concept of being taught to hunt by a white man?

Oh, wait...

EARLIER: Rumored New Policies at the Hard Rock Cafe

Q: Why is Chief Wahoo smiling wider than ever?

A: Because ownership of the Hard Rock Cafe has been transferred to American hands -- Native American hands -- as Britain's Rank Group announced today it will sell the international restaurant & casino chain to the Seminole tribe of Florida in a deal worth nearly a billion dollars.

The deal apparently doesn't include the hugely valuable Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas, which Cafe co-founder Peter Morton sold earlier this year to Morgans Hotel Group for $770 million (the land occupied by the hotel's pool is valued at $50 million alone, says Wikipedia). That package also included exclusive rights to the Hard Rock Hotel brand in the western half of the US.

In any event, one London analyst called the price of the Seminole deal "slightly disappointing." T.A.M.S.Y. knows nothing about the value of such things, but we hope that analyst is correct, because we're always supportive of Indians finding new ways to rape back the colonists.

We're not sure what to think, though, of the rumored changes the Seminoles plan to institute in Hard Rock Cafes worldwide...

RUMORED NEW POLICIES AT THE
FLORIDA SEMINOLES' HARD ROCK CAFES

• Overpriced beverages now referred to as "Seminole fluids."
• Line chefs getting high on break now required to smoke from peace pipe.
• Crazy Horse to receive lifetime supply of curly fries with purchase of full-price meal; Neil Young still required to pay for curly fries.
• Ticket booths outside of all Hard Rock Live! events now uniformly considered scalpers.
• Axl Rose's feathered hair now to contain actual feathers.
  
• Caucasians explicitly banned.
• Appetizers, entrees no longer designed to taste like shit.
• Reservations required.

Aside from all that, T.A.M.S.Y. offers kudos to the Florida Seminoles for proving that it really is a long way to the top if you want to rock & roll.

Susanna & the Magical Orchestra - It's a Long Way to the Top [mp3]

Melody Mountain, 2006

For what it's worth, that album is totally excellent. I've already made a spot for it near the top of my forthcoming best of 2006 list.