Q: Is our children live-blogging the Oscars?
12:13: I was about to say I'm quitting for the night, but of course, this is the last award. Live blogging the Oscars has melted my brain!!! Thank God, thank God it's over.
My pick is The Departed, I guess. The Departed wins. Woo. The MC announces, "Martin Scorcese calls The Departed the first movie he has ever done with a plot." What the hell...?
Anyway, congratulations to the winners, congratulations to Martin Scorcese, congratulations to Germany, congratulations to Melissa Etheridge, congratulations to penguins, congratulations to global warming, congratulations to Three 6 Mafia, congratulations to my mom's dealer.
12:08: I picked Paul Greengrass for Best Director just to spite the Academy. And because he deserves it!
Marty wins. I'm not complaining. They, you know, owe him a few.
12:04: Whitaker booked! And adorable.
Someone should give choked-up Forest Whitaker and Will Smith's son a TV show together. They would play cops with very different philosophies. Will Smith's son would be the loose cannon, and choked-up Forest Whitaker would say inspiring things in an inspiring, choked-up voice.
12:01: Forest Whitaker for Best Actor. Book it.
11:59: Oh yeah, that Wes Anderson American Express commercial from seven hours ago was great! As soon as it show up on YouTube, I'll post it here.
Wes Anderson is way less awkward than I expected. He seems like the third Wilson brother. He actually seems considerably more interesting than Luke Wilson.
11:57: Whoever is writing Chris Whatever His Name Is' pre-commercial jokes should be soundly beaten. Also, why is Chris Whatever His Name Is a famous person? I don't have anything against the guy. Just sort of curious.
11:54: Helen Mirren it is. Woo.
Helen Mirren has never won an Oscar before? Huh. Good for her.
11:53: Helen Mirren for Best Actress. Book it.
11:48: A moment of silence in respect to all those who passed away in 2006. Also, my hands are tired.
11:42: It's not going to win, but I'm picking United 93 for Best Editing, just because I support it so damn much. That movie got robbed in the Best Picture category! And all the other categories! It was totally better than Babel! I mean, probably!
The Departed wins. I hear good things about that one. I should get out more.
I just realized that United 93 didn't get nominated for writing. Yes, it was all improv'd, but that's never stopped Mike Leigh! Seriously, it should have been nominated and it should have won. I'm angry. I'm also still angry about Melissa Etheridge. And Celine Dion. And poor Mark Wahlberg, that trooper!
11:35: Here is a cartoon about global warming.
I find it hilarious, because of how much I love global warming now.
11:34: I can't say enough about how disgusted I am by the Academy's terrible taste in music. I am now openly rooting for global warming.
11:32: People seem to have confused Melissa Etheridge's terrible singing with Al Gore's terrible talking.
11:31: I mean, mentally handicapped.
11:30: Melissa Etheridge takes the Oscar. The Academy is retarded.
11:24: These Dreamgirls songs aren't terrible at all! I mean, compared to the modern Oscar canon, they're like sex for the ears. I'm picking, uh, the first one.
11:20: Wait a minute, my mom told me that song Melissa Etheridge performed was from Dreamgirls. The stupidest thing about that was that I believed her. I thought it was just Melissa Etheridge doing an extremely Etheridgey version of a Dreamgirls song. Because, you know, it has a bunch of songs nominated...so, like, maybe they were trying to vary it up. Or something. Live blogging is hard. Also, my dad just asked me what wireless Internet is. Dear God, I need to find a job.
11:17: Whoever directed the Oscars this year, I commend you. The whole dancers behind the silhouettes thing is amazing. I wish I weren't so busy typing. I'd be able to see it and everything.
Oh, the other great thing I forgot to mention was bringing out all the costumes on stage for the Best Costumes. These Oscars have a little something for not only lesbians but also gays! Delightful. Also, fatties!
11:15: Oh, right, you're not following this. Good call.
11:14: Little Miss Sunshine. Yeah. Heard that was good.
Hey, maybe you should consider following a live blogger who has interesting things to say. Just putting that out there.
11:11: I do still care about the screenplay category, but I'm going to be honest with you, I haven't seen any of these movies. The only movie I saw from last year was Pan's Labyrinth, and I only saw that because I was so excited to see the movie that was going to win Best Foreign Film. Goddamn Germans.
Anyway, I'm pretty confident Pan is going to win this one.
11:10: Wow, the President of the Academy speaking like the Micro Machines guy is the greatest idea ever. Least boring Oscars ever! I mean, aside from the fact that there are no movies anyone cares about.
11:07: Was that Hugh Jackman or Eric Bana? I used to serve Eric Bana cold cups of coffee, and even I can't tell.
By the way, Eric Bana can kind of be a beyotch if you serve him a cold cup of coffee. They just gave out an award while I wasn't paying attention. I don't even care anymore.
11:03: I'm a little late on this one, but doesn't it seem like they kind of rushed Jennifer Hudson off the stage? They wouldn't pull that shit with Kelly Clarkson, is all I'm saying.
Not that Hollywood cares about American Idol winners, and not that Hollywood doesn't care about black people. Hollywood just hates fatties.
10:59: Wait, that song was by Ennio Morricone? Because Celine Dion made it terrible. It probably was amazing originally.
Ennio is on the brink of tears while accepting his much-deserved award. But he's speaking in Italian, so no one knows that he's on the brink of tears because he can't believe how bad Celine Dion made his song sound. Luckily, his translator, Clint Eastwood, doesn't speak a lick of Italian.
10:58: AMAZINGLY TERRIBLE.
10:57: Celine Dion. Still a famous singer. And you know what? THIS SONG IS AMAZING.
10:52: I have no idea what is going on with Clint Eastwood. That speech was so botched, it's like he's running for the Democratic nomination or something.
10:51: Oh, and Al Gore. Wait, I think Al Gore is running for president!
10:47: No, wait, that's just Jerry Seinfeld telling some jokes that got rejected from his stand-up act. His joke about how depressing the documentary nominees are was funny, except I already did it seven minutes ago.
Gee I wonder what's going to win best documentary. I will set myself on fire if Al Gore doesn't win. Actually, he already won. Again, very slow typer. But that was literally the most obvious win in the history of the Oscars.
Wow, Al Gore just gave an extremely underwhelming acceptance speech. It's just like the old days, when he was a terrible speaker. Anyway, he must not be running for president, because no presidential candidate would ever give a speech that lame. Oh, except John Kerry.
10:46: The Oscars are over and Seinfeld is on. It's the least funny episode ever. It must be from the last couple seasons.
10:40: I didn't see Babel, but that reminds me the other movie where Rotten Tomatoes disappointed me: 28 Grams. Which, like Monster's Ball, was so convoluted in its efforts to be depressing that it made me want to punch myself in the face. It sucked less than Monster's Ball, though. Oh, apparently the Oscars are still on. In the documentary category, I'm picking this movie about AIDS in China. The documentary awards always go to the depressingest movie, and AIDS in China is quite depressing. Hey look, it was just depressing enough to win an Oscar. Maybe that will work for Babel. But I doubt it.
10:38: The ad tagline for Windows Vista is "Wow." That's ironic, because the only people wowed by Vista are Microsoft executives saying, "Wow, I can't believe how wrong our sales estimates were."
10:36: Jennifer Hudson just won Best Supporting Actress. I forgot to pick someone in that category, but I assume I would have picked her. I'm still just confused about Pan's Labyrinth. Someone Netflix that German movie for me.
10:34: I mean, really, that seemed like a shoo-in. Who won? The Germans? This is some kind of crazy German conspiracy. Damn you, Germany! I knew we shouldn't have appeased you after World War I. Anyway, I think this means my vow wasn't valid. I'm off the hook. My mom is looking for the fire extinguisher right now.
10:31: Apparently I have to set myself on fire now.
10:28: This is a montage of foreign films. Look at how foreign all these films are. I mean, they're not even in English. Presumably. They're not showing any of the parts where people talk, so it's hard to be sure.
Anyway, great montage. Next year they should do a montage of films that featured cars. Or human beings.
Pan's Labyrinth is so obviously going to win Best Foreign Film that I vow to watch the rest of the program while on fire if it loses.
10:21: Robert Downey, Jr. just made a good joke about how he used to be high all the time. Naomi Watts just seems kind of high.
I had picked Pan's for Best Special Effects, but it wasn't nominated, so I switched to Pirates of the Caribbean 2. Which then won. Woo.
I would pretend to be more impressed with myself, except most of these have been extremely predictable. As if Poseidon was going to be allowed to win something?
10:14: Pan's Labyrinth wins Best Cinematography, as expected. By me, and I assume most people. Good movie. T.A.M.S.Y.-recommended. Woo.
Judith Lansing, who just won a Humanitarian Award, looked just like Anne Hathaway when she was young. I don't have video of her masturbating either. Sorry.
10:03: I picked Marie Antoinette. It won. Woo.
Anne Hathaway is hot. I still don't have the video of her masturbating, for everyone who keeps Googling "anne hathaway masturbating." My computer is about to die. Please stand by.
9:55: Oh, I forgot to mention that I also caught some of that Melissa Etheridge performance, and that song wasn't good either. I thought Dreamgirls was supposed to have good music or something. But all of the Oscar-nominated songs appear to be terrible, as usual. I just wish Three 6 Mafia could win again.
9:49: Best Adapted Screenplay! I'm going with Borat, because people probably want Borat to win something. Or I do, anyway.
This whole thing where they read a few lines from every screenplay, I like that. The Oscars are way less boring than they used to be! Hey, look, Borat loses. And yet Maxim promised me it was the greatest comedy of all time. Take a shot.
The guy who wrote The Departed is on so much Valium that they rushed him off the stage.
9:47: While I was outside, I apparently missed a very funny exchange between Leo DiCaprio and Al Gore. Something about the environment or running for president or something. My mom tried to recap it for me, but I think she's high.
9:45: I can't believe Cars didn't win. I thought Pixar movies were going to sweep that category for the next 500 years. Oh well. Penguins are adorable.
9:31: James Taylor has seen fire and he's seen rain. Randy Newman has been nominated for 1,400 Oscars. This song is not even remotely good. I'm going for a cigarette.
9:25: Mark Wahlberg is trying so, so hard to make it look like he's not sad he didn't just win an Oscar. And he's been in the shot for so long. It's making me cry a little. HE'S SUCH A LITTLE TROOPER.
Anyway, the bit itself, about Ellen pitching Goodmammas to Martin Scorcese was funny, aside from me crying.
9:22: My pick is Eddie Murphy for Best Supporting Actor. Because the Academy loves a fun-loving black Best Supporting Actor.
...also, a fun-loving white one. Because Alan Arkin just won. That's cool with me. Alan Arkin is second only to Alan Alda among Alans in my heart. Anyway, take a shot.
9:15: I'm going with Letters from Iwo Jima for sound editing, because, I don't know. And... I'm four for five. This is like the soberest drinking game ever.
There's another sound category coming up now. I'm picking Iwo Jima again, because it's never let me down. Oh wait, it's not nominated. Should I go with the other war movie? No -- Dreamgirls. I'm going with Dreamgirls!!!
FIVE FOR SIX.
9:14: The second meta sound-editing joke of the night = less funny than the first one.
9:08: Okay, the person is my mom. Leave me alone.
But honestly, she asks a question after every sentence that is spoken, including during the commercials. Like, when Nicole Kidman walked out, and was announced as Nicole Kidman, my mom asked "Who is that?" Or "Who is Ricky Bobby?" While I was typing that, she asked me to explain a Bank of America commercial. I'm not even making these things up.
9:03: Will Smith's son is adorable. That's honestly the best I can come up with on Will Smith's son. I'm a terrible live-blogger. Also, the person I'm watching the Oscars with won't shut up.
For best short feature, I'm going with West Bank Story, because it looks hilarious. And because it was the only one I was paying attention for when they were running the clips. Because I was distracted by trying to think of something less obvious to say about Will Smith's son.
And...West Bank Story it is! Hurray for alphabetically ordered nominees!
9:00: I'm going with Maestro in the cartoon category, because people seemed to be clapping a lot at that particular moment. And because I have no idea.
...And I'm wrong. The Danish Poet. Whatever. Take a shot.
8:54: I was just about to complain about the lack of an extended musical opening, and then here comes Will Ferrell! And Jack Black! And John C. Reilly! With an inexplicable and yet very funny song-and-dance number! Which I will put up here when it's up on YouTube!
Best Achievement in Make-Up seems like another likely win for Pan's Labyrinth.
...And it is. Two for two, baby.
8:48: Maggie Gyllenhaal is totally hot, but I'm still angry with her for having Peter Sargaard's baby, instead of staying a virgin for me.
Ellen DeGeneres was funny enough, but her monologue seemed kind of quick.
I'm really a very slow typer.
8:41: That Errol Morris short they ran at the beginning was great! But they're about to do the Art Direction Oscar, so hold on, I'll talk about that in a sec. God, live-blogging is hard.
My pic is Pan's Labyrinth. Winner is...Pan's Labyrinth! One for one, baby.
A: Sure, why the hell not? Hopefully it will make the whole thing less boring.
For me, I mean. You, you're probably at some awesomely fun Oscar party, or else just following some better blogger's live-blogging. I hate you so much.
