Q: Where is Osama bin Laden not hiding?

A: Once again proving that any footage is terrifying if you play the Requiem for a Dream score under it:



Civilization is crumbling, or something. In other news, go Tribe!!!

Q: Are you there, Margaret? It's me, remote-controlled spy drone

A: For the price of just $1,000 per month, you too can lord over your very own police state! Thanks, modern technology!

RELATED: The next time you hear someone whining about how oh boo hoo Google took photos of me buying porn, refer them to this little-known fact¹: Scientists estimate that, by the year 2010, having sex in a room with windows will be the same thing as doing porn. And it's not going to be Google's fault.

¹ And by "little-known fact" I mean "unsubstantiated claim." BUT COME ON IT'S PROBABLY TRUE.

Q: Who reanimated the corpse of the electric car?

I'm in love with their car.

A: My girlfriend Google, apparently. I somehow missed it when they announced it last month, but the company is building a "small fleet of plug-in [hybrid electric vehicles]," with fuel efficiencies of 70-100 miles per gallon. Not bad; of cars you can actually buy, the most efficient (by far, incidentally) is the Toyota Prius at 35-50 mpg, half of what the Googlemobile offers.

Google says its goal here "is to demonstrate the plug-in hybrid and V2G technology, get people excited about having their own plug-in hybrid, and encourage car companies to start building them soon." So I guess we shouldn't expect them to get into the automotive industry anytime soon...OR SHOULD WE?

MARK IT DOWN: In 2011, Google will use the change under Sergey Brin's couch cushion to acquire General Motors when it is put up for sale at the Wayne County sheriff's auction. By 2015, the oil crisis will have been averted, and global warming will be relegated to the status of the pet rock and the slap bracelet, a cultural relic. In 2017, we will all die in a plague.

Q: Did I just call to say I love Goo?

Googley-Eyed is an ongoing T.A.M.S.Y. feature devoted to highlighting the awesomest under-the-radar services offered by Google. Full disclosure: Google is my girlfriend.

A: Remember a few months ago when I applauded 1-800-FREE-411, but suggested they still needed to iron out some of the technical glitchiness? Well, sorry, Anonymous from San Leandro — your clock just ran out.

There's a new sheriff in town in the game of not charging you for 411, and he's the fastest gunslinger west of the Pecos. By which I mean his voice-recognition software is likely superior to anyone else's.

Give him a ringa ring ringy at 1-800-GOOG-411, and see if you don't not disagree. [via Reihan]

Q: Are my girlfriend Google and I joining the Mile High Club?

NEW! The Answer May Surprise You reads all 35,000 official Google blogs — so you don't have to! In most circumstances, official Google blog updates comprise wholly non-essential news (e.g., Google AdWords is pleased to introduce a support forum for our native Inuit users! or Help! My obscure Brazilian company was just bought out by Orkut, and I'm drowning in fucking money!).

Every now and then, something legitimately useful — mayhaps even paradigm-shifting — sneaks through. T.A.M.S.Y filters the goods into a new feature we call The Savvy Googler.

A: That was certainly a long intro there. Not long enough to justify the day's first post going up at 3pm, but still. Anyway, what were we talking about?

Oh right, my blistering lust for Google, on a plane. The answer to your question is yes. Especially if your question specifically referred to whether it were now possible to text message your flight number to GOOGLE (466453) and receive real-time status info.

Q: Is our children emancipating?

A: The Answer May Surprise You has come a long way in the past 11.5 months. What started as something read by only a handful of my friends is today read by all my friends.

Granted, that constitutes a net loss, since I've driven away most of my friends, what with the constantly steering conversations to my blog. But I suppose that's just the price you gotta pay to be one of the world's top 155,069 bloggers. I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Calacanis!


POINT BEING: Free at last, free at last, I thank Google, I'm free at last.

Everyone here at T.A.M.S.Y.H.Q. is pleased to announce we've finally emancipated from the confines of our very, very long Blogspot domain to a room of our own @ surprisinger.com.

(Not to be confused with the less surprising surprising.com.)

If you use Blogger, you too can know the joy of a customized domain, as detailed here. It's as simple as finding a URL no one else has thought of (not simple at all, by the way) via Google Apps, and slapping down ten bucks for a year's worth of ownership.

The only downside to all this is that it forces me to forfeit my precious, precious Google PageRank, subsequently destroying my self-esteem.

Q: Are you a webmaster and/or tool?

A: If you're like me, you're both.

If you want to be more like me — and if you're like me, you do — go install Google's Webmaster Tools on your site / blog / whatever. It's a free service, and provides millions of wasted hours of fun.

Last summer, I blogged about one of my favorite tools, Query Stats, which tells you which googled phrases most often point to your site. Well, my beloved Goo-Goo recently added a couple of even cooler (dorkier) features:

1. A downloadable directory of every link to your site in the history of the Googlebots. Print it out and use it to wallpaper your bathroom!
   
2. A Top 100 list of the words and phrases most frequently used to describe your site. Does the Internet think you're an asshole? The answer may surprise you!
   

#2 was just unveiled this week, and to call it enlightening is an understatement. For example, the entries on T.A.M.S.Y.'s list include:

• the answer may surprise you
• dean simakis
• not reading it
• blog
  
• worse than we thought
• surprise
• you are probably now gay
• something to cry about
• answer may surprise you the
• priceless

Oh, the Internet. It's like you know me better than I know myself.

Q: How good are Krispy Kreme donuts?

A: So good, you'll... well, just ask the news team at NBC Augusta.



As Ohio's own Livin' in Cowtown notes, "This is what happens when you hire idiots that get their on-air graphics from a Google Search without even looking at the results." [story via Scotty Jay, who does not have a Web site]

UPDATE: Unshockingly, NBC Augusta is none too happy about the hubbub surrounding this clip. As you can see, YouTube took it down.

Also unshockingly, the Internet is smarter than NBC Augusta. But I guess you already knew that.



As far as I can tell, the network doesn't really have a leg to stand on here, legally. See: Fair use under United States law. Airing ten seconds of a thirty-minute news program does not copyright infringement make. -- 3/4/07, 12:48AM

Q: When did Google Reader add support for YouTube videos?

A: I don't know! Just now, apparently! It's very exciting! As you can tell from my screaming!

NOTE TO LUDDITES: Google Reader is a fantastic Web-based RSS reader. It will save you a ton of time (or else just lead you to spend much more of your time on the Internet), and make your life so much richer (by which I mean lonelier). Sign up today!!!

Anyway, I was just reading the latest updates to my Reader, when this Drawn! post on artist Carson Ellis rolled in -- to my surprise, complete with YouTube video:



Previously, playing embedded media¹, if you even noticed it was meant to be there, required clicking through to the original post. But this will save me a good 25 seconds per day, which is great news, since I'm the dad from Cheaper by the Dozen.

It hasn't been mentioned yet on the official Reader blog, maybe because they wanted to make sure it worked first. So: Dear Nick Baum, It works. Sincerely, T.A.M.S.Y. (UPDATE: Here's the official announcement.)

RELATED: Maybe I'm just drunk on convenience, but I now have a small Internet crush on Carson Ellis, best known for her role as the Decemberists' artist of choice:

---

¹ Presumably it works for other, non-Google-owned media players too. One way to find out...


Pal And NTSC Test Patterns - video powered by Metacafe

Q: What does Fox hope to accomplish by subpoenaing YouTube?

He thought his problem was the Chinese

A: On the surface, the subpoena Twentieth Century Fox recently sent YouTube's way is just a means of acquiring information about ECOTotal, the user responsible for uploading four episodes of 24 and 12 episodes of The Simpsons to the Google-owned video site. The subpoena was filed Jan. 18th, but didn't receive media coverage until it was tipped to Steve Bryant's GoogleWatch blog Wednesday.

The part about the Simpsons episodes is almost certainly incidental; people upload illegal content to video sites (including Fox's own MySpace) all the time. What really pissed off Fox was that the episodes of 24 -- comprising the four-part season six premier -- appeared on YouTube more than a week before their Jan. 14th and 15th air date. Fox also served a subpoena to the lesser-known video site LiveDigital, targeting a user with the handle "Jorge Romero" who also uploaded the premier.

The premier was a big deal for Fox; 24 is its hottest show, and season five ended on a much-discussed cliffhanger. The new episodes were so hotly anticipated that, in addition to blocking out four hours of prime time over two days for their airing, the company poised itself for an extra cash-in by releasing them to DVD on the 16th.

ECOTotal has been suspended by YouTube, but with a little help from the Google cache, we can uncover a tiny bit of information about him. For one thing, he was popular, rating as the third-most subscribed-to uploader as of Jan. 9th (maybe thanks to the 24 leak). I also strongly suspect that he's German, given that his uploads of an episode of CBS's King of Queens were targeted to sprechers of Deutsch.

The most damning evidence: ECOTotal watches King of Queens.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess LiveDigital's "Jorge Romero" is probably Chicagoan Jorge Romero, whose blog includes tips for light hacking of video sites. Romero's profile lists him as 23, and a tiny bit of detective work identifies him as popular Digg user kal-el (current rank: 430 -- not too shabby). That will probably come in handy if he ever needs a legal-defense fund.

Once Fox receives the two users' IP addresses and email accounts from the subpoenaed sites, the next step is presumably a lawsuit. Which leads to the more important Q: What would be the point of suing these dudes?

The answer may surprise Fox, if they think this brings them any closer to revealing who leaked the premier in the first place, or to preventing future digital piracy.

The real source of the problem for Fox is the leak itself, which points directly back to sources within the company. The only reason ECOTotal and Romero had access to the premier is that the four episodes were posted to BitTorrent sites three weeks ago, by the well-known pirate collective AsiaTeam. And it's not the first time such a thing occurred; the premiers of the current Simpsons' season¹ and the previous season of 24 were also available on BitTorrent trackers prior to their air date.

Pirates: Arrrrr Jack's real problem.

Suing a couple of people at the bottom of the piracy food chain -- both of whom are probably young and broke, and one of whom might have to be extradited from Germany -- would serve little purpose for Fox. It's like targeting the Mob by arresting its drivers.

And considering that there are thousands or millions of citizens worldwide with access to the dozens or hundreds of Torrent trackers where these episodes are originally posted, it'd do very little to prevent anyone else from doing the same thing in the future. It only takes one person to post a video to YouTube or anywhere else.

At best, these subpoenas are nothing more than a litigious temper tantrum. Maybe it makes them feel bigger to scare a couple of college kids, or to force Google's hand on anything. In the real world, it accomplishes zilch.

---

¹ When the Simpsons' Halloween premier leaked in late October, I wondered if it wasn't an act of aggression against Fox perpetrated by the show's staff. The network's contract to air the World Series means that the annual "Treehouse of Terror" special usually doesn't air until November, which can't sit too well with the people who make it.

But that's just baseless speculation on my part; the leaked episode was watermarked as a preview for critics, so it could have come from any number of sources.

Q: Who is the All Music Guide paying to do its Web design, and sweet lord, why?

Also consider upgrading that .2 megapixel digital camera

A: Dear Mr. Stephen Thomas Erlewine, "Tom" to the playas,

Love the reviews. But hey, have you heard of this "AJAX" thing that all the kids are talking about? I encourage you to look into it the next time your company decides to write a check to its Web designers.

It may cost you a little bit in the short term, but in the long term, it will save you about a million billion dollars in hosting fees. It will also save me about a million billion seconds in wasted time. Thanks, man. And you're welcome.

Sincerely,
Dean Simakis

P.S.: Oh, while I'm picking nits: Next time you're going to build the Web's most comprehensive music site, you might want to take into consideration this whole "Google" craze. I'm just blue-skying here.

P.P.S.: What is it with dudes named Tom and shitty Web design, anyway?

---

RELATED: Check out "Stephen Thomas Erlewine" (it's the third song down), by West Virginian bluegrass ensemble The Things Themselves. Who, incidentally, do not even have a Web site.

EARLIER: Q: Has Sufjan Stevens jumped the shark?

Q: Is it Wednesday already?

A: Wow, it totally is. Huh. I should probably think of something to post.

If you hadn't already noticed, Google Checkout is offering a $10 coupon to anyone who signs up before February 15th. You can use it at Starbucks or Buy.com or Toys R Us or a bunch of other places.

Or, hey, you can use it to buy that URL you've always wanted. It would usually cost you $10/year, but with the bonus, it'll be free. Start a stupid blog of your own! In fact, thisismystupidblog.com is still ripe for the plucking.

It's ten 'til imaginary doomsday. Do you know where your imaginary children are?

IN OTHER NEWS: Remember that apocalypse I warned you about? Well, it turns out we really are getting close to doomsday -- as proved by a bunch of geeky University of Chicago scientists and their stupid-ass imaginary clock. I guess they got bored with doing actual science.

Q: Can a tree feel pain?

Weeping willows: Dude should put 'em out of their misery.

A: No, you crazy hippie, it's a tree.

Since you asked, though, it warrants mentioning that paper can feel pain. Also disillusionment. Just look.

if you can read these words, you aren't watching this video.

If you dig it, digg it.

And okay, yeah, I already posted that from YouTube last summer. But everything just looks better in Google Video.

Q: What is Google trying to tell me?

Dorothy: There's no place like homo

A: The latest honor granted to The Answer May Surprise You by my beloved Google is surprising even to T.A.M.S.Y.: We're now featured on the first page of results for the query "gay lovemaking."

And yes, it's everything I always dreamed it would be. I'm like the blogosphere's Judy Garland, except even more beautiful.

Unfortunately for those visitors looking for gay lovemaking tips (including the Brit whose recent visit tipped me off), I can't think of any gay lovemaking tips off the top of my head. Presumably, though, good gay sex is as easy as the ol' golden rule. Also lube.

DID YOU KNOW? The evening of gay-icon Garland's funeral coincided with the start of New York City's Stonewall riots, when the Village's gay barflies raised themselves up by their tight leather bootstraps to fight back against police intimidation, thus sparking the gay liberation movement.

Wikipedia notes the Garland connection may be coincidental, but I suspect it was indeed a bit of mournful Drunk Eye for the Queer Guy that spurred these Friends of Dorothy on to the most fabulous fisticuffs in the history of civil disobedience. As a result of their boozy bravery, of course, gays would never be discriminated against again. Or I assume that's how it ended -- I haven't finished the article.

RELATED: Area Man Accidentally Responds to Own M4M Ad [The Onion]

LISTEN: Norm MacDonald's "Tex Hooper" [Buy Ridiculous now]

Q: What are you doing in my absence?

A: Crying hysterically, I know.

Sorry things've been so quiet on the T.A.M.S.Y. front this past week. I'm trying to get some actual work done. You know, just for the sake of variety. In the meantime, take a look at the new additions to my sidebar, now featuring three delightful RSS feeds for your perusing pleasure:

Baby: "Holy shit, I love RSS feeds!!!"

(1) T.A.M.S.Y.-Tested News + Notes: Hand-picked highlights from around the blogosphere. Updated multiple times per day, except for when I forget.

(2) Falcor's Posse Has an RSS Feed: The latest in bloggage from the people I know, love and/or want to put it to. Updated IN REAL TIME!!! courtesy of modern technology.

(3) Cleveland Sports Heroin Needle: Everything you need to know about the latest crippling Browns loss, failed Indians free-agent signing or lawsuit involving LeBron James' mom. Also updated in real time, so you won't have to miss a single agonizing detail.

What this means for you, loyal readers, is that even when I'm too busy / lazy / depressed / drug-addled / deceased to blog, you can always rely on The Answer May Surprise You for sexy new content to distract you from your suffocating livelihood. Hurray for my generosity.

The RSS feeds are all made possible by my girlfriend Google. Get started with your own Google Reader account, and someday you too will know the joy of forcing content on your acquaintances.

Oh, yeah, I've also added FREE Snap Preview Anywhere^TM capabilities to the site, which you may have already noticed if you hovered your cursor over any of these links. This feature falls somewhere between "annoying" and "merely useless," I can't quite decide.

Q: Was I a fool to criticize Google?

A: Yuh huh. I'm sorry, baby, please take me back.

Last night, I was complaining about how fast the Google copyright cops were, to have removed the new Simpsons trailer from YouTube so quickly. But I guess it was just a temporary glitch, cuz the link works fine now. Enjoi.

Q: What time is it (in Nerd Valley)?

A: Time to set up that RSS feed reader you've been meaning to set up.

And on that note, the new Google Reader totally kicks ass. I might even start updating My Starred Items again (by the way, somebody let me know if that link doesn't work).

Plus, if you use the very handy Firefox extension Greasemonkey, blogger persistent.info created a script allowing you to access your feeds via your gmail account. Good times.

And if you have no idea what the fuck any of this means, congratulations, you're not a nerd.

the official blog of the official web site of the officially unemployed dean simakis

Q: what does it mean when you have more blogs than friends?

A: blogs love you more than people ever could.

but specifically, i started this blog because i am deeply in love with a woman. she slipped into my bedroom like a wraith in the night, and it wasn't long before she'd stolen not only my heart, but also my privacy and checking information. her name is Google, and she is the warm, nurturing mother of Blogger.com (and is thusly responsible for all you see here).

(oh sweet Google! how do i love thee! when i look into your soul, i see only myself. i mean, sure, lots of major corporation are sociopaths -- but you're the only one with obsessive-compulsive tendencies that truly rival my own. thanks to you, nothing i ever read or write, or say or think, will ever be forgotten. i thank you, my future biographers thank you, the human civilization thanks you.)

(now, please, don't rat me out to the government.)