Q: Who brings you the buzz, and also the white powder?

A: T.A.M.S.Y. does, obvs. As now confirmed by something called BuzzFeed, which notes that I am totally among the finest sources for news about psychic pets. SUCK IT, MONKEYFILTER.COM!

On a heavily, deadlier note, today is the wrong day to be making jokes about anthrax, as ABC News HQ have been rocked — ROCKED I TELL YOU — by the discovery of a suspicious white powder that will almost certainly turn out to be powdered sugar or cocaine.

WAIT OMG BREAKING: I didn't have time to finish making fun of this story before the powder was revealed to be aspirin. [via Wonkette]

But please, ABC News staff, don't let that stop you from being terrified/going home early. I'm sure that Osama bin Laden, who is totally alive and not dead, is hiding in your janitor's closet just waiting to unleash the Ice-9.

RELATED: I recently found a suspicious blue, purple and pink powder in my sock drawer, but after calling the bomb squad, National Guard, Citibank's Identity Theft hotline, and Burger King kids' club, it turned out just to be Fun Dip. Delicious Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip!

I'm eating it right now, in fact, and it's unusually tasty, now that I know it's not deadly. Probably the best Fun Dip ever. The flavors are, let's see, RazzApple Magic, Grape-Yumptious, and...wait...OH GOD NOOOOOOO!!!


That darned Qaeda!

EARLIER: Socialized anthrax will kill us all.

Q: Is our bloggers sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy headed, feverish and resting?

A: Yeah, I'm sick. Sorry no bloggy, etc. etc. etc. If you're in the neighborhood, feel free to bring me a couple of these.

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In happier news, Calico Jak's Leaked Album Alert is like totally famous, now that it's As Seen On Idolator.

(Usually, Mr. Jak does not announce crap-quality leaks, but he made an exception for low-bit-rate Björk, because even pirates are vulnerable to peer pressure. Damn you, Denton.)


Speaking of hot leak news, Idolator also has samples of the new Elliott Smith rarities collection and (!) the White Stripes' Icky Thump.

GET EXCITED: Icky Thump drops on June 19th. Album art via The Modern Age:

Q: What do Don Imus and T.A.M.S.Y. have in common?

A: Last month, I received a delightful bit of news: surprisinger.com had become Google's top-ranked result for the query offensive asshole. Finally! After all these years of shouting my love from the rooftops, it warmed my cockles to discover Google was getting to know the real T.A.M.S.Y.

Of course, the mainstream media got totally threatened, and promptly retaliated. Now I'm playing second banana to some other guy from Cleveland.

THIS WILL NOT STAND. In an effort to retrieve my title, I hereby embark on a mission to offend every demographic on Earth, one by one. I'm starting with gay African Americans.

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So, hey, what's the deal with all these gay African Americans?


That's some snappy-threaded bros there. I'm gonna tell you that now, man, that's some — woo.

NEXT WEEK: Deceased Hawaiians. No, wait, I already did that one.

Man, this is going to be tough. I mean, Google is already aware of my brave stance on women.

Q: How did you celebrate T.A.M.S.Y.'s first anniversary on Saturday?

A: Hopefully with paper and/or clocks.

Italian Microsoft celebrated T.A.M.S.Y.'s first anniversary by making us the number one result on image searches for Evangeline Lilly, which means my SiteMeter looks like this:


I could not be prouder if I had ever actually published an image of Evangeline Lilly.

Blogging magic returns tomorrow.

Q: Are we critically acclaimed up the wazoo?

A: Not quite up the wazoo, but at least in the wazoo. Or anyway, our wazoo cherry's been popped, now that T.A.M.S.Y.'s received its very first review, courtesy of Ramblings of the Marginalized.

They call us "zany"! And "refreshing"! We're a zany refreshment! We're like an ice-cold Night in Old Mandalay poured all over the blogosphere on a hot summer's day! Our words not theirs!

Brand awareness: T.A.M.S.Y. gets a pat on the back.

Steve also says that reading T.A.M.S.Y. "gives me the feeling the writers were either born when SNL was still good or wrote for SNL when it was still good." YOU HEAR THAT, LORNE MICHAELS? CALL US, BIOTECH.

No, but really, the entire staff of The Answer May Surprise You could not be more flattered. Thank you, some guy named Steve, from all of us — Dean Simakis, Dottie Gustafson, Jimbo, Freddy Crabcakes, Sammy Davis IV, Jen, Jenna, Jenny, Jennifer, Jon, Jonnifer, Linda in the traffic 'copter, Morgan, Electric Fingers McGee, Jũniper, Jũxtable, the kitchen crew, Y. Diddy on the skins, John at the bar, Davy in the Navy, Sergeant O'Leary, Bennie, Frenchie, Asian, the other Linda, Ann Coulter, M.W., G.W., W.W., e.e., sexy intern Rebecca, the intern whose name I can't remember, Jordan, Jonathan, Joe, Danny, Donnie and Mike.

Actually, Mike has the day off, but were he here, I'm sure he'd feel the same way.

Q: Is our children emancipating?

A: The Answer May Surprise You has come a long way in the past 11.5 months. What started as something read by only a handful of my friends is today read by all my friends.

Granted, that constitutes a net loss, since I've driven away most of my friends, what with the constantly steering conversations to my blog. But I suppose that's just the price you gotta pay to be one of the world's top 155,069 bloggers. I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Calacanis!


POINT BEING: Free at last, free at last, I thank Google, I'm free at last.

Everyone here at T.A.M.S.Y.H.Q. is pleased to announce we've finally emancipated from the confines of our very, very long Blogspot domain to a room of our own @ surprisinger.com.

(Not to be confused with the less surprising surprising.com.)

If you use Blogger, you too can know the joy of a customized domain, as detailed here. It's as simple as finding a URL no one else has thought of (not simple at all, by the way) via Google Apps, and slapping down ten bucks for a year's worth of ownership.

The only downside to all this is that it forces me to forfeit my precious, precious Google PageRank, subsequently destroying my self-esteem.

Q: And you thought unemployment was unproductive!?

A: If I had a job, when would I have time to win such glorious honors?

All I need now is a New Yorker cartoon anti-caption contest win and a night in Gawker's Gold Star Motel and I'll have won all of the finest non-monetary prizes in nerddom.

Q: Can I die now?

A: Yes. After three months of futility, one of my story submissions finally made it to Digg's front page. I read those little heathens like a book! Meanwhile, there haven't been so many teenagers on npr.com since Terry Gross interviewed the dude from Franz Ferdinand.

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In other, awesomer news, I recently noticed that Uncle Grambo'd updated his sidebar blogroll — and there amongst the veritable who's who of bloggerati is...T.A.M.S.Y.!?!

Heyzeus Christmas!!! This is an achievement so towering that it requires its own post; I'm going to need room for a Sally Field-esque emotional breakdown. But my original reaction was this:

Q: Is Anna Nicole Smith our generation's Elvis?

A: Aside from the struggles with drug abuse and weight fluctuation, dead sex symbols Anna Nicole and Elvis might have something new in common: not being dead.

Or more specifically, crazy people thinking they're not dead. That's the impression I get from T.A.M.S.Y.'s newly most popular Google hit: anna nicole smith alive.

Both Smith and Presley famously enjoyed phoenix-esque resurgences, so maybe we shouldn't be surprised if America's still waiting for the most unlikely Comeback Special yet. A nation can dream, can't it?

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RELATED: Thanks to you, beloved readers, for making last week T.A.M.S.Y.'s second-most-visited, most-commented-on week ever. At this rate of ad-revenue growth, I'm certain I'll be able to retire comfortably by 2044.

RELATED #2: As I finished writing that, I received an email saying I'm one of the finalists for my most recent submission to Overheard in New York's ongoing headline contest. I can't even remember what my entry was, but suffice to say it was probably disgusting.

Anyway: Welcome, OiNY readers! Please enjoy your time here, and For Fuck's Sake, Buy Some Wine^TM.¹

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¹ This message brought to you by Wine®. Wine^®: It Gets You Drunk^TM.

Q: Could you do me, like, a three-second favor?

A: Sure you can, 'cuz you're My Bestest Friend Ever!

See, Gawker is hosting a T-shirt slogan contest, where the winner is chosen by Digg-style reader vote. My submission is currently sitting in the number-three spot (with +107 votes) -- but with a little Daley-esque voter fraud from the T.A.M.S.Y. community, I'm confident¹ we can ride that beyotch to the top of the pops.

DO THIS: (1) Click on "top-rated." (2) Vote for I adopted a third-world baby and all I got was this lousy third-world baby. And you're done!

For extra credit, feel free to vote for my other entry, Ironic Detachment Is The New Giving A Shit. Plus, you know, vote down all other worthy competitors with extreme prejudice. And then repeat the process from every workstation in the building, and all other buildings in the metropolitan area. Thanks!!!!!

POSTSCRIPT: Yeah, I know this is an extremely lame excuse for "daily content," but I've been distracted with the job hunting. I promise you at least three Surprising Answers^TM tomorrow.

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¹ Okay, I'm actually not confident at all, given my last attempt at voter fraud. Which reminds me, I hate everyone but five of you.

Q: Why am I weeping hysterically?

A: Because you have not yet placed your...

Vote for The Answer May Surprise You

I hate you all. Except for Jordan, who is a true American hero.

Will you accept a bribe? Because I have plenty more obscure but delightful music for you.

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Stephen Brodsky's Octave Museum - Kid Defender [mp3]
Stephen Brodsky's Octave Museum, 2006

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You may remember Brodsky from the song "Prove Yourself," which I posted back in October. The whole album is just so frickin' good, I couldn't resist plugging it again.

Of all the artists getting shafted in the year-end best-of lists, the robbery of the Octave Museum may well be the highwayiest. And I'm not just saying that because I suspect Brodsky is secretly a Simakis...

Stephen Brodsky: Is the new Dimitri?

Anyway, what are you, a Communist? Get voting.

Q: How am I celebrating being named Time's "Person of the Year"?

A: Same way as grandma here. Hookers and blow.

Time's Person of the Year is MEEEEEE. And some old bag. [Time]

The blogging community is probably going to criticize Time for this decision. But then, the blogging community probably hasn't seen this lady knit.

Still, I can't help but feel like the success is going to her head.

Q: Am I going to win a Nintendo Wii?

A: Yes. There's really no surprise here; I am simply going to win this contest, using my heretofore untapped skills in camera-phone photoblogging.

The only question is what my award-winning story should be about. Any ideas?

Keep in mind, the entries are going to be voted on by nerds, so there'll have to be (1) references to how the PlayStation 3 sucks, (2) references to how the Zune sucks, (3) use of the word "pwnage," and (4) hot girls.

On a related note, I just downloaded the Opera Mini Web browser onto my Sony Ericsson, and it's pretty sweet (and extremely easy to use). If you use your cell phone to access the Internet (or if you want to), check it out. Aside from the ostensibly pointless photo-sharing capabilities, it also features a handy RSS reader.

Use it to subscribe T.A.M.S.Y.'s hand-picked news wire, so you'll always have me around to control what you're allowed to look at. It'll be just like dating me!

On a related note, I just discovered that The Answer May Surprise You is available on the mobile Internet. Who knew!? Just Google "tamsy" from Opera Mini's homepage, or look for the link on simakis.com. If you're ever trapped under a collapsed building, now you how to use what little remains of your cellular battery.

Q: Who's honoring me now?

A: Overheard in New York, the beloved east-coast reality blog, has awarded me runner-up for my vulgar entry to their latest headline contest. I thank them for the honor (and the subsequent boost to my SiteMeter). But let's face it, I totally should have won that thing, you fuckers.

To those of you visiting T.A.M.S.Y. for the first time, welcome. Also, I have a favor to ask you (specifically to those coming via Overhead's Livejournal feed): Do any of you have a paid LiveJournal account? Would you do me a favor and take thirty seconds to create a feed for this blog? Something like "tamsy" or "maysurprise" or whatever's not taken. I'll love you forever, stranger. Thanks.

UPDATE: A million thanks to novelist Sara Zarr for hooking me up with a LiveJournal feed! LiveJournalists can now receive the latest from T.A.M.S.Y. right on their friends page, RSS-style, via username maysurprise.

Ms. Zarr's debut novel, Story of a Girl, hits bookshelves next month. Word on the street is that it is excellent.

Q: What is Google trying to tell me?

Dorothy: There's no place like homo

A: The latest honor granted to The Answer May Surprise You by my beloved Google is surprising even to T.A.M.S.Y.: We're now featured on the first page of results for the query "gay lovemaking."

And yes, it's everything I always dreamed it would be. I'm like the blogosphere's Judy Garland, except even more beautiful.

Unfortunately for those visitors looking for gay lovemaking tips (including the Brit whose recent visit tipped me off), I can't think of any gay lovemaking tips off the top of my head. Presumably, though, good gay sex is as easy as the ol' golden rule. Also lube.

DID YOU KNOW? The evening of gay-icon Garland's funeral coincided with the start of New York City's Stonewall riots, when the Village's gay barflies raised themselves up by their tight leather bootstraps to fight back against police intimidation, thus sparking the gay liberation movement.

Wikipedia notes the Garland connection may be coincidental, but I suspect it was indeed a bit of mournful Drunk Eye for the Queer Guy that spurred these Friends of Dorothy on to the most fabulous fisticuffs in the history of civil disobedience. As a result of their boozy bravery, of course, gays would never be discriminated against again. Or I assume that's how it ended -- I haven't finished the article.

RELATED: Area Man Accidentally Responds to Own M4M Ad [The Onion]

LISTEN: Norm MacDonald's "Tex Hooper" [Buy Ridiculous now]