Q: Oh Keith Richards, what WON'T you snort?

A: Pretty much anything he hasn't already allocated for injecting.

Richards: I snorted my dad's ashes, and they went down well

In an astonishing admission that might surprise even his fellow band members, who have become used to his wild and eccentric behaviour, Keith Richards said he could not resist snorting the ashes while high on drugs.

"The strangest thing I've tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father," said the 63-year-old in an interview with NME. "He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared, he didn't give a shit. It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."

That's just preposterous. I am shocked and offended. I mean, there is NO POSSIBLE WAY that the other Rolling Stones could still manage to be surprised by a Keith Richards admission. Mick Jagger could walk in on him trying to snort the Queen, while she were still alive, and it wouldn't constitute a surprise. Come to think of it, the only thing that would have been surprising is if Richards were left alone with a powdery substance and didn't snort it.

Trust me, folks — I didn't spend 11 years at Cal Tech getting my PhD in Surprises to have some punk-ass reporter from England tell me what constitutes surprising.

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On a more tender note (if you can get more tender than doing lines of your dead father); and speaking of dudes who know their way around an eightball: Josh Hamilton.

Hamilton: White lines fade away.

The onetime top-rated baseball prospect — and latertime coked-up burnout — is getting a second chance (and a first chance in the big leagues) with the Cincinnati Reds. His debut at the plate today made for an adorable story.

By the time Hamilton's name was announced as a pinch-hitter at Great American Ball Park, the crowd was on its feet for an extended ovation that made him back away from the plate and break into a broad smile.

In that moment, he hadn't done anything yet as a major leaguer. It's what he had already accomplished in his personal life -- getting his cocaine addiction under control, getting his life back on track -- that made the crowd of 42,720 stand and cheer.

"I've never witnessed anything like that," Hamilton said. "I've never been part of anything like that. The way I'm feeling is hard to describe."

Now, T.A.M.S.Y.'s not exactly bullish on Hamilton's chances of cutting it in the bigs — but a story like that's enough to make even our cold, cold hearts all toasty.

So let's ignore for a moment that this story takes place in Cincinnati, and that the crowds were probably just cheering that he's white.

EARLIER: Just joshin', Cincy baby, you know I love you. Sort of.

Q: Is Gov. Ted Strickland the greatest thing to happen to Ohio since Devo?

A: Yes. Not counting T.A.M.S.Y., obvs.

PLAIN DEALER: Ohio could become 8th state to reject abstinence-only money

Ohio might become the eighth state to reject federal money for abstinence-only sex education — a decision that public-policy groups say is part of a nationwide shift toward more-comprehensive sex-ed programs.

Gov. Ted Strickland last week proposed phasing out federal grants for abstinence-only instruction, following the lead of governors in California, Connecticut, Maine, Montana, New Jersey, Rhode Island and Wisconsin. [Wait, Montana? Really? Montana? I mean, good for you, Montana, but — really? Montana? Like Montana Montana? Really? -- t.a.m.s.y.]

"The abstinence-only approach has seen its day, and the support's really waning," said Bill Smith, vice president for public policy at the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States in Washington, D.C.

Incidentally, "I'm vice president for public policy at the Sexuality Information and Education Council, and baby, the abstinence-only approach has seen its day," is a pick-up line I've been using since the late '80s.

Anyway, three cheers for Ohio joining the few states with the cajones to acknowledge that it's foolish (not to mention anti-democratic) to base any curriculum on a policy of suppressing information. I don't know how you did things back in Soviet Russia, but this is America, baby.

The fact remains: No matter how tightly you clamp shut your eyes, how deeply into your ears you dig your fingers, or how loudly or longly you croon "Michael, Row the Boat Ashore," ignoring human nature isn't going to make it disappear. I'm sorry if you find that depressing. But deal with it already.

Devo
Uncontrollable Urge
Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!, 1978

(Incidentally, "I don't know how you did things back in Soviet Russia, but this is America, baby," is a pick-up line I've been using since the late '80s.)

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OH, AND ABOUT MONTANA: I almost forgot that Montana's Gov. Brian Schweitzer, is one of them CUH-RAZY politicians who bases his opinions on facts rather than pandering. He's also, surprisingly, a Democrat — elected to govern a conservative state whose voters had grown weary of Republican ineptitude. In other words, his stance on sex ed isn't the only thing he has in common with Strickland.

EARLIER: Is Ted Strickland secretly into musical theater?

Q: Cincinnati, Ohio — wholesome and pure, or down to your yin-yang in poontang?

POINT: There ain't no sin in Cincinnati
since I been in Cincinnati
I gotta get out of Cincinnati
or else I'll go plumb dumb
and batty...

One Ring Zero
Natty Man Blues
As Smart as We Are: The Authors Project, 2004

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COUNTERPOINT: Talk about poontang!

Right down to your yin-yang!
Down by the banks of the O-Hi-O!

Roogalator
Cincinnati Fatback
Play It by Ear, 1977

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CREDITS: Original Cincinnati skyline pic pilfered from Flickr user ~Jana~. Point/counterpoint humor pilfered from The Onion.

The lyrics to the excellent "Natty Man Blues" are by author Paul Auster. And if you ever have the chance to see Brooklyn's One Ring Zero play live, DO IT.

Q: Can you identify all of the election-related characters in T.A.M.S.Y.'s new logo?

If the A: is yes, congratulations, you win a prize. A prize of knowing you're as big a loser as I am.

So I have lots of things to say about the election and America and stupid, stupid politicians, except I'm a little busy at the moment. I'll try to slip in a few posts tonight, because otherwise, how will you know whom to vote for?

I AM A REAL AMERICAN HERO: Tomorrow I'm going to be manning the polls as an "Observer" (formerly known as a "Challenger") for the Democrats, to make sure that Diebold and the Church of Latter-Day Saints don't try to steal Ohio for the Republicans. If recent polls are any indication, they've got a lot of work to do, vis a vis the stealing.

So beginning at 5:45AM tomorrow, I will need to be vigilant and strong, which is why I plan to drink a great deal of coffee, and also human growth hormone. I'm going to bring my laptop with me tomorrow, on the off chances (a) I can pick up a wireless connection and (b) live-blogging an election from within the polling place itself is considered legal. And/or (c) no one pays attention to what I am doing.

I think being an observer also gives me the right to punch anyone in the face if they vote for Ken Blackwell, but I should probably check my handbook to confirm.