Q: When did Michael Jackson get a sex-change operation?

Jenna Jameson: Looking at the man in the mirror, thinking she should change her ways

A: No, wait, Michael Jackson hasn't looked so tan since the '80s. So who is this geriatric drag queen?

My God — it's adult film star Jenna Jameson!

Pictured here at Sunday's Oscar ceremony, Jenna is decked out in what appears to be Oscar de la Cryptkeeper. Deflated volleyballs by Rawlings.

Look, T.A.M.S.Y. doesn't even care about Jenna Jameson. It's nothing against porn stars — I'm just not that into women whose breasts look like they were installed by a team of landscapers. Call me old-fashioned.

Still, I can't help but be disturbed by Jenna's decade-long evolution from sexy college co-ed to icky collagen cokehead. [photo via Attu Sees All]

Because it's not just Jenna. Plastic surgery is destroying the faces of all our nation's most beautiful and/or glamorous and/or easy women.

The first stage is when their faces take on that weirdly taut Zellweger/Kidman look, like leather stretched around a Precious Moments figurine. Once they've gotten that far, there's no turning back. It's only a matter of time before they follow Jenna into the second stage, whereupon their faces melt off altogether. I wanted to call it Zellweger Syndrome, but apparently, that's already taken.

You might be wondering how Frankenstein Jameson is still able to score hulking masses of himbo meat like the one pictured above.

The thing is, that dude's not even straight. And he's not her date. He just heard that an adult film star had entered the building, and he assumed from the look of things that it was Peter O'Toole. Whom he thinks is a gay porn star from the 70s.

The better question is how Jenna Jameson got invited to the Oscars in the first place. Maybe she was hired as a seat-filler! If there's anything Jenna understands, it's getting your seat filled.

SOMETHING FOR THE HIGHBROWS: What, my porny one-liners aren't good enough for you? Perhaps you might find yourself more stimulated by Nathanial Hawthorne's 1943 short story "The Birthmark." It is tragically relevant.

Q: Now can we officially agree never, ever to use this lede again?

A: I mean, at least until the sequel.

• "The devil didn't wear Prada, but Meryl Streep did..." [TIUK]

GOOD ONE!!!

Also oy-inducing:

If there was a unifying theme, it was the popularity of the winners — at least with the audience inside the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood. They roared with approval for Mirren, gave Scorsese his long-delayed ovation, and poured out so much love for Gore and... An Inconvenient Truth, it was a wonder the red carpet on Hollywood Boulevard didn't turn rainforest green.

Indeed. In summary, it was an Oscar ceremony in which all of the winners were applauded, and none of them booed. Also, nobody got stabbed.

This reporter's beat must be Parliament.

Q: Is "This Film Is Not Yet Rated" not yet dated?

A: ...or is it? The answer may surprise you. Unless you have no idea what I'm talking about, in which case, I refer you to this bit of news out of Sundance:

Ratings Group to Work With Filmmakers [AP]

PARK CITY, Utah -- The organization responsible for rating movies announced changes Monday aimed at making the process more meaningful to filmmakers.

The Motion Picture Association of America said a longtime employee will become a liaison to filmmakers to offer advice on scripts and explain the ratings process.

"It's an attempt to listen and build relationships and see if there are some things we can improve," MPAA chief Dan Glickman told reporters. "There's an impression we haven't been as accessible or approachable."

What makes this particularly noteworthy is that the "impression" Glickman refers to -- that the MPAA is neither accessible nor approachable in regards to the process of rating a film -- provides the central thesis for Kirby Dick's 2006 documentary This Film Is Not Yet Rated.

The IFC film's official site even offers visitors the chance to sign a petition calling for just this sort of reform.

TFINYR has already been nominated for Best Documentary Feature by the Broadcast Film Critics Association (unsurprisingly, An Inconvenient Truth won). Whether it will be recognized by the Academy will be revealed in a few hours.

My completely uninformed prediction: It will. And you have to wonder if the MPAA felt inclined to trumpet these changes first, as a bit of a preemptive strike against an Oscar slap in the face. Because if Academy voters officially honor Dick's filmic attack, it'll only provide more evidence that Hollywood hates the current film-ratings system (and by most accounts, it does).

Whether TFINYR has any chance to beat Al Gore to the Oscar podium doesn't really matter; in the ways that really matter, Kirby Dick may have already won.

(Um, unless the MPAA "changes" turn out to be little more than window dressing. Which is, you know, almost certainly the case.)

RELATED: This Film Is Not Yet Rated is released to DVD today. How convenient. IFC may very well have timed the release to coincide with this morning's Oscar noms, but the MPAA's announcement, of course, makes the film all the more timely.

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UPDATE (10:25 AM): Dan Glickman has officially responded to this post. In fact, he reads The Answer May Surprise You so closely that he issued his response before my post had even been written. Damn, these guys are good. Anyway, his denials pretty much guarantee that I'm right.

The Oscar nominees have been announced, by the way -- and This Film Is Not Yet Rated is Not Yet Nominated. So please ignore the above prediction. It was obviously a typo.