Q: What is this, a weather blog?

A: Hey, sorry for the recent lack of Surprising Answers^®. I've been focusing my attentions on the aforementioned plans to move somewhere not miserably cold. More on that soon.

In the meantime, here's some stuff to read:

• Remember the two-faced cats who were surely harbingers of the apocalypse? Boing Boing just posted an update on a two-faced cow from Virginia: She's dead, Jim.
• The U.S. military has unveiled a charming new invention to NPR: A heat ray that makes you feel like your flesh is burning. It does no permanent damage, they say, and will be used to disperse crowds, presumably at war protests or for when Congress gets unruly.
• McDonald's owns a lot of words.
• John Kerry is getting uglier.
• And via Gawker, the New York Times makes some absurd claims about this year's Super Bowl commercials.

Speaking of the Super Bowl, congratulations to Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts. No one believed they could pull it off. Well, almost no one. God, I'm a genius.

Q: How much more Peyton Manning can one nation take?

A: Get ready to find out.

Peyton says, "Click to enlarge."

On the bright side, at least he won't be singing "This Is Our Country."¹

EARLIER: My playoff predictions may surprise you.

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¹ No, just kidding, he totally will be.

Q: What are my NFL playoff predictions?

A: One of my predictions is already going to be wrong, so I'd better get this baby up quick...

Wild Card Weekend

• COLTS over CHIEFS
• COWBOYS over SEAHAWKS (UPDATE: Oopsie daisy. I'd made a joke here, but I hate to make light of an impending suicide)
  
• PATRIOTS over JETS (btw, the Jets made the playoffs? wtf?)
• EAGLES over GIANTS

Whatever They Call Next Weekend

• COLTS over RAVENS
• PATS over CHARGERS (Bill Belichick = sneaky bastard)
  
• COWBOYS over BEARS (UPDATE: But seriously, someone better drive Tony Romo home)
• EAGLES over SAINTS (sorry, New Orleans, The Lord God hates American sports; like, for instance, how one month after 9/11, the New York Yankees lose Game 7 of the World Series in preposterously unlikely fashion, with Mariano Rivera on the mound, to the expansion Arizona Diamondbacks, which, by the way -- it's probably fair to admit after all this time -- was totally hilarious)
  

League Championships

• COLTS over PATS (see below)
• EAGLES over COWBOYS (bonus prediction: Jeff Garcia throws four touchdowns in the win, followed immediately by the Cuyahoga River exploding into flames)
  

Super Bowl XLI

• COLTS over EAGLES, 31-28.

WHY I'M PICKING THE COLTS

By all accounts, the Indianapolis Colts are the worst they've been in several years. Given how the last several years have played out for Peyton Manning (superb, record-breaking regular seasons, followed by miserably embarrassing playoff defeats), the Rules Of Sports In The Era Of All-Encompassing And Quite Frankly Boring Parity decree that this is the year they go all the way.

It will be a great travesty, and lead to a summer in which literally every ad on television features Manning in a costume and/or talking in a funny voice and/or being ridiculed by Tony Dungy. Also, the Cleveland Browns will be universally lauded for their savvy first-round draft pick, leading to great disappointment when, two months later, the player is mauled to death by bears. Happy 2007!

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DON'T FORGET: WhyWahooWeeps, the delightful Cleveland sports blog, is coming soon.

IN THE MEANTIME: Discarded Cowboys QB Drew Bledsoe has much to celebrate on "his" famous blog.