Q: Why is Dr. Alfred Kinsey not rolling in his grave?

Dr. Kinsey: Gives this study an F.

A: Because today's sex researchers are a total snooze. Look, if scientists have to put out a survey to establish that "men were less discriminating when it came to deciding who to kiss or who to have sex with," either they don't get out enough or they're reading too much College Callgirl.

Out of pure spite, I ran my own, much better study, surveying over six billion people on a number of issues. Here are some of my findings:

• Men are from Mars, whereas women tend to be from Venus.
  
• Men are more likely to leave the toilet seat up, but women take longer to get ready.
• Women often prefer shopping to watching sporting events on television. Take my wife. Please!
• Some guy who writes for Slate is better at math than some lady who writes for the New York Times.
• Black people are generally better than white people at basketball.
• Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.
• Please, give me back my wife.

Q: Why can't you trust the media to tell you which way the wind blows?

A: The current top headlines, via Google News:


You kids can feel free to refer to this post when claiming the media- controlled pollsters are all screwed up vis-a-vis President-Elect Ron Paul.

Q: Aren't you forgetting something, Facebook?

A: I really enjoy Facebook's sponsored polls, for their delightful combination of the unscientific and the idiotic. Except for today's, which is riveting.

Sponsored by Durex, presumably.

Still, I'm sort of confused because my answer, "Getting syphilis," isn't even offered. So I'm sponsoring my own poll, right here on the T.A.M.S.Y. sidebar. Remember to come back Monday for the results!

(OH GOD!!!, that's exactly what Planned Parenthood says in all my night terrors.)

Q: Why does Harry Reid pay kajillions of dollars to idiot consultants when he could just subscribe to T.A.M.S.Y. for free?

A: Just saw the new WaPo/ABC poll, in which Pres. W. hits a new low (as expected).

Meanwhile, Harry Reid's all-night-sleepaway camp resulted in a massive, unprecedented surge of support for congressional Democrats. Oh, no, wait, it didn't at all.

Just 35 percent said they approve of the way congressional Democrats are handling the situation in Iraq, with 63 percent disapproving...

The latest poll was conducted July 18 to 21 among a random sample of 1,125 adults, just after Senate Democrats failed to pass legislation that would set a timetable for the start of troop withdrawals from the war zone...

Congress's approval rating has declined over the past three months because self-identified Democrats have soured in their assessment.

Wow, I can't believe Reid's plan didn't work. Oh, no, wait, I can, and have, and did:

T.A.M.S.Y., Jul 18: One reason — perhaps the biggest reason — Congress' approval ratings are so low is because Americans have the impression no one is getting anything done. Spending all night very dramatically not getting anything done, in the midst of a media frenzy, isn't going to help that.

Yes, it's thanks to brilliant predictions like that that my blog is now read by upwards of several people.

MORE FROM MY CRYSTAL BALL: Sometime in the near future, John Edwards is going to smile so wide, it will expose several of his teeth. I also expect him to reveal his father's profession to have involved some sort of work in a mine. MARK IT DOWN. Meanwhile, Barack Obama will continue to be black.

YO HARRY BABY: Subscribe to T.A.M.S.Y. already. It's totally free, plus you get a shoe phone.¹

---

¹ Shoe phone offer does not include shoe phone.

Q: Remember back when not everyone was ashamed of the president?

A: I know, it seems like a million years ago, especially with Bush's approval ratings dropping further into the mid-20s¹. But it was less than two years ago (Sept. 20, 2005) that the following Tom Tomorrow comic made infuriating sense.

[click to enlarge]

Mission accomplished, you dirty hippies.

You know, if we'd known back then the Bush administration would implode under its own tons of crap as it has and is, we totally would've expected it to be way more fun than it actually is. Instead, it's just kind of boring and sad; just ask political cartoonists. Patton Oswalt said much the same thing in his recent interview with Terry Gross. Political satire loses its edge when nearly every human being on Earth agrees with you.

Incidentally, Oswalt's latest comedy album, Werewolves and Lollipops, hits stores today.

---

¹ As Sully notes, these polls were largely conducted prior to the Scooter Libby commutation. I know C.W. says the conservative base supported the get-outta-jail-free card, but T.A.M.S.Y. calls bullshit. How much more straw can these dumbass camels take? Expect to see another two or three points of approval erosion, minimum, when this week's polls hit.

Q: What's the matter with kids today, with their hippety hoppity and their love for George W. Bush?

A: These young people today, I tell you! They don't know the value of a dollar. Or anyway, they don't know the plummeting value of the American dollar. Or how things are going in Iraq. Or, like, how to read.

How else can you explain this New York Times poll claiming twentysomethings are more supportive of Bush and the war than any other age group? [via Ross]

Forty-eight percent of Americans 18 to 29 years old said the United States did the right thing in taking military action against Iraq, while 45 percent said the United States should have stayed out. That is in sharp contrast to the opinions of those 65 and older, who have lived through many other wars...

Overall, 34 percent of Americans said they approved of the way the president was handling his job, and 58 percent disapproved. But younger Americans were more approving than older Americans. Forty percent of 18-29 year olds said Mr. Bush was doing a good job, while 56 percent said he was not.

Hipster irony has finally gone too far! LAY OFF THE WEED, PEOPLE. Don't make me side with the crotchety old folks here!

More than one person who lived through the Vietnam war mentioned the draft and the absence of one for this war. "It's because of life experience," said Jimmie Powell, 73, a bartender and factory worker from El Reno, Oklahoma. "I don't think younger people really know a whole lot about anything. They don't care because there is no draft. If there were a draft, we'd finally have the revolution we need."

Yeah! Damn you no-nothing kids, with your respect for authority and your placing trust in the establishment and your rap music! Back in the good old days, the Weather Underground would've burned Washington to the ground by now.

RELATED: No, really, what the fuck is going on here?

Q: What is this morning's least surprising news development? Or should we just call it a three-million way tie?

It's probably a bad sign for the state of international journalism when you look at the morning's headlines and the only surprising answer is in the weather forecast.

Lake Erie: Beginning to look a lot like Christmas?

Not that I'm complaining about the forecast, mind you; I was just outside, and it's a balmy 52°. After this post, I'm heading straight for the beach. Surf's up, beyotch!!

But while I've no problem with thermometers hearkening back to bygone days, I find it disconcerting that the rest of the news is headed the same direction.

Granted, we all approach the news these days expecting a bit of recycled material. You know, things like United States trapped in meaningless quagmire, or Kremlin murders guy who says bad things about Kremlin, or Israeli/Palestinian relations growing tense or Republican president is idiot. It's the nature of history to repeat itself, and the nature of journalists to barely notice. I get all that.

Still, something about today feels even more recycled-er than ever. I initially thought maybe Google News was running a "greatest hits" compilation of the past year, or the past 30 years -- or the past 130 years, considering that Jack the Ripper is evidently still murdering British hookers.

Four stories in particular, though, stand out as particularly unsurprising. Help me choose the unsurprisingest!

---

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO DUH

1) IRAQ WAR = UNPOPULAR: Americans Say U.S. Is Losing War [WaPo]

Look, anyone who reads this blog regularly, which is at least three people, knows that I have always supported things that make the Bush administration look bad (e.g., reality). But the daily polls revealing that people think the war is going poorly -- am I still expected to find this fascinating? Do newspaper editors think I wake up each morning to thoughts of, "Gosh, I wonder if the past 24 hours of bloody mayhem and chaos have led Americans to embrace the war enthusiastically! Where can I get some numbers on that?"

2) JEWS = NUCLEAR: Israel's Olmert under fire over nuclear remarks [Reuters]

Lehrer: 'Who's dated now, bitch?'

Granted, I do appreciate the rather awkward faux pas-ness of this story. The old, "I'm sorry, did I just say we had nuclear weapons? What I meant to say was HEY WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE [runs away]." That's just solid Borscht Belt humor.

My issue with this is more, Since when did we not know Israel had the bomb? I totally didn't know it was supposed to be a secret. Frankly, I'm just glad it wasn't me who let the cat out of the bag. Granted, I base all my information on who does or doesn't have the bomb on a 40-year-old Tom Lehrer song.

3) DAVID DUKE = BIGOT: KKK's David Duke Tells Iran Holocaust Conference That Gas Chambers Not Used to Kill Jews [FOX Cleveland]

You know, I'm just blue-skying here, but it seems like we're getting to a point where we can't trust David Duke's insight on sensitive ethnic issues anymore. I don't want to jump the gun or anything.

Actually, I have to disqualify this story's lack of surprisingness, because I find it way too hilarious that (a) David Duke still gets speaking-engagement work, and (b) in Iran. Let's just pray he's being shadowed by a documentarian, because Live from Tehran, It's David Duke! is going to be the There's Something About Mary of 2007.


4) ANGELINA JOLIE = HOMEWRECKER: Jolie Fell in Love with Pitt while He Was Still Married [E Canada Now]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh, so that's how she got inseminated by his sperm!

Andrew Sullivan | The Daily Dish: Marriage and the Polls

Andrew Sullivan | The Daily Dish: Marriage and the Polls