Q: What did Jenna Jameson learn from The Answer May Surprise You?

A: Just a few months after my public plea that she change her ways, Jenna Jameson is quitting porn. She's even had her implants removed, which is sad, because based on those Oscar photos, I think that would have to include the entire front side of her head.

She says she's now going to be focusing on doing a comic book, I assume because her last industry didn't make her feel publicly ostracized enough. Unfortunately for Jenna, it's already been done.

Q: Worst Internet porn search ever?

A: Approximately 99.99999% of this site's daily traffic can be traced back to very confused people and their ill-fated searches for pornography. After extensive scientific research, Hot chair-on-chair action.I've discovered the reason for this to be that The Answer May Surprise You is a Web site on the Internet.

I do check in on my SiteMeter now and then, just because I like to keep apprised of exactly what sorts of porn my readers are disappointed not to find. The prurient Google searches that erroneously lead to T.A.M.S.Y. commonly involve some combination of acts involving Alice the Snorg Tees model, Anne Hathaway, Lily Allen's 100% natural breasts, gay cowboys and/or Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Every now and then, someone out there discovers a new and unique path to not finding porn here — a search string so dimwittedly arousing, it can only lead to T.A.M.S.Y.

On that note, I'm pleased to announce that I've just uncovered what is surely the most adorably doomed porn hunt in the history of sexually explicit imagery. When it comes to bad Internet porn searches (as it so often does), this reader in New Delhi really takes the cake:


Did I say "takes the cake"? I'd like to amend that to "burns down the Cheesecake Factory." Somewhere in India, a bewildered adolescent is desperately in need of a serious talk. Or a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves, or a Playboy or something.

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RELATED: I wanted to have a talk with you all about the birds and the bees, but then I remembered that the birds are dead and the bees disappeared. I think Mother Nature is trying to tell us to stop touching one another. One step ahead of you, Mother Nature!

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POSTSCRIPT: It is perhaps worthy of note that the aforementioned bewildered Indian uses Microsoft Internet Explorer (version 6.0, no less). The 46.7% of my readers who still use Explorer for their Web browsing should consider this a wake-up call: IE is for people who need photographs to deduce where they put their pennis in women.

FWIW, T.A.M.S.Y recommends Firefox. For the love of God, please upgrade.

Q: When did Michael Jackson get a sex-change operation?

Jenna Jameson: Looking at the man in the mirror, thinking she should change her ways

A: No, wait, Michael Jackson hasn't looked so tan since the '80s. So who is this geriatric drag queen?

My God — it's adult film star Jenna Jameson!

Pictured here at Sunday's Oscar ceremony, Jenna is decked out in what appears to be Oscar de la Cryptkeeper. Deflated volleyballs by Rawlings.

Look, T.A.M.S.Y. doesn't even care about Jenna Jameson. It's nothing against porn stars — I'm just not that into women whose breasts look like they were installed by a team of landscapers. Call me old-fashioned.

Still, I can't help but be disturbed by Jenna's decade-long evolution from sexy college co-ed to icky collagen cokehead. [photo via Attu Sees All]

Because it's not just Jenna. Plastic surgery is destroying the faces of all our nation's most beautiful and/or glamorous and/or easy women.

The first stage is when their faces take on that weirdly taut Zellweger/Kidman look, like leather stretched around a Precious Moments figurine. Once they've gotten that far, there's no turning back. It's only a matter of time before they follow Jenna into the second stage, whereupon their faces melt off altogether. I wanted to call it Zellweger Syndrome, but apparently, that's already taken.

You might be wondering how Frankenstein Jameson is still able to score hulking masses of himbo meat like the one pictured above.

The thing is, that dude's not even straight. And he's not her date. He just heard that an adult film star had entered the building, and he assumed from the look of things that it was Peter O'Toole. Whom he thinks is a gay porn star from the 70s.

The better question is how Jenna Jameson got invited to the Oscars in the first place. Maybe she was hired as a seat-filler! If there's anything Jenna understands, it's getting your seat filled.

SOMETHING FOR THE HIGHBROWS: What, my porny one-liners aren't good enough for you? Perhaps you might find yourself more stimulated by Nathanial Hawthorne's 1943 short story "The Birthmark." It is tragically relevant.