Q: Why did You take my adorable, loving kitten from me in the prime of her youth?

A: Leave Your answer in the comments. Thanks.

Oh, try to keep the parables to a minimum.

Q: Now that it's been disproven, can we agree to stop talking about evolution?

A: Those of you worried about the American education system can breathe a huge sigh of relief this morning, thanks to some heartwarming news out of South Carolina. Of course, President Bush already fixed the public schools—but it turns out private institutions have their own special way of ensuring that no child be Left Behind.

The results are in from Pawleys Island Christian Academy's prestigious science fair, and the winner in one category... may surprise you. Under the tutelage of teacher Judy Doerr, PICA's preteens are taking science to new heights! By which I mean, they're finally destroying it.


I almost missed this story, but luckily, the Georgetown Times matched it with a real barn-burner of a headline:

Christian Academy Science Fair winners named.

Judy Doerr, the science teacher for middle school students at Pawleys Island Christian Academy (PICA), says she is very pleased with this year's science fair projects. "This is the third year we have held the science fair at PICA and I am excited about the variety of projects the students have created," Doerr said.

Brian Benson, an eighth-grade student who won first place in the Life Science/Biology category for his project "Creationism Is the Winner!", says he disproved part of the theory of evolution. Using a rolled-up paper towel suspended between two glasses of water with Epsom Salts, the paper towel formed stalactites. He states that the theory that they take millions of years to develop is incorrect.

"Scientists say it takes millions of years to form stalactites," Benson said. "However, in only a couple of hours, I have formed stalactites just by using paper towel and Epsom Salts."

OH MY GOD. Nearly two hundred years of scientists' lies and several decades of ill-begotten curriculum, refuted in two hours by a 13-year-old with table seasoning and a roll of Bounty! Finally!!! Inherit THAT wind, Charles Darwin—YOU FRAUDULENT WHORE!

Yes, after Mr. Benson's discovery, not even Richard Dawkins could claim creationism isn't the winner. The results are obviously irrefutable. I mean, it won the science fair, for God's sake. Plus, these findings strike deep into, and also detonate, the very core of Darwin's theories. Knowing what we know now, evolution simply makes no sense. Consider, for instance, this excerpt from Darwin's 1859 book On the Origin of Species:



So much for that little house of cards!

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Man, all the sudden I feel like such an uneducated jerkwad. When I was in grade school, my top scientific achievement was proving that volcanoes erupt when God pours vinegar into the baking soda.

Nonetheless, it's refreshing to find that schools are evolving ... changing for the better ... doing whatever Jerry Falwell told them to do. Thank goodness we have people like Ms. Doerr shaping the minds of our children. Hurray for the future!!!!!

Q: Why is the U.S. Army now recruiting lions and wardrobes?

A: After a decade of squabbling, the Department of Veteran Affairs is officially recognizing Wicca as a religion. As of Monday, the Wiccan pentacle is among 38 other religious symbols available to be engraved on veterans' headstones.

"I don't know why I bear arms! The Wiccan code says 'Do no harm!'"

As the New York Times reports, those representing Wiccans "attributed the delay to religious discrimination. Many Americans do not consider Wicca a religion, or hold the mistaken belief that Wiccans are devil worshipers."

Wicca, it should be noted, is not Satanic. It's witchcraft. Crazy witchcraft. Although, you know, it's strictly taboooooooooo.

More precisely, Wicca is "a type of pre-Christian belief that reveres nature and its cycles." So, you know, basically Unitarianism with a cooler logo.

By the way, there are 1,800 Wiccans in the U.S. military! Who knew? Also, who knew there were 39 viable religions? Granted, one of the religions is "atheism" (Scientology = surprisingly, refreshingly not listed).

This would be great news for Willow Rosenberg, but unfortunately, the military still doesn't recognize gay as a sexuality.

Q: What's the matter with Boston?

A: First it was the desperately wanting to believe terrorists cared about them, even if it meant hysterically screaming about cartoon characters and Christmas lights; then it was the mayor banning great blogs for silly reasons.

Daisey: Spurned by a bunch of dim bulbs

The latest incident in Boston's increasing fear of everything occurred last week, during a performance of Mike Daisey's Invincible Summer at the A.R.T. Daisey is an acclaimed monologuist, whose talent for improvised storytelling has earned comparisons to the work of Spalding Grey and David Sedaris; last Thursday, 87 members of a Christian group stormed out, mid-performance, in reaction to Daisey's use of the word "fucking" (specifically "fucking Paris Hilton").

One purported "Christian," on his way out the door, took the liberty of pouring out a bottle of water on the handwritten outline Daisey uses to mold each night's show — "a kind of anti-baptism," as Daisey writes in his blog.

I sat behind the table, looking up in his face with shock. My job onstage is to be as open as possible, to weave the show without a script as it comes, and this leaves me very emotionally available — and vulnerable, if an audience chooses to abuse that trust. I doubt I will ever forget the look in his face as he defaced the only original of the handwritten show outline — it was a look of hatred, and disgust, and utter and consuming pride.

It is a face I have seen in Riefenstahl's work, and in my dreams, but never on another human face, never an arm's length from me — never directed at me, hating me, hating my words and the story that I've chosen to tell. That face is not Christian, by any definition Christ would be proud to call his own — its naked righteousness and contempt have nothing to do with the godhead, and everything to do with pathetic human pride at its very worst.

The whole bizarre event, and Daisey's reaction, was captured on video. Bostonians, please be warned: The following involves about ten seconds of course language. And several minutes of distorted Christianity.



The good news for Daisey — and bad news for those who would have him silenced — is that the incident raised his profile much more than even a Times profile ever could. The video is among YouTube's most viewed this week (70,000+ views, as of yesterday), after earning the coveted designation of "popular" on Digg. Not bad for a theatrical event with a seating capacity of 300. [original story via Gregg Henry @ TKC]

BREAKING: Daisey has confronted the people responsible. I'm just reading it now (Digg it here!)...

As for what's the matter with one of my favorite cities, I have no idea. What happened to Boston as a hotbed of crazy liberals and drunken coeds!? Has winning the World Series driven them mad? Someone needs to start pumping Prozac into the city's water supply or something, so its people can get back to what they're good at, scamming casinos and wasting my tax dollars on municipal highway projects.

EARLIER IN MASSHOLES: Damn you, Click and Clack!

Q: Even the Mormons hate Dick Cheney!?

A: Yeah! Well, okay, it's the Democrat Mormons.

And, okay, there are only, like, seven Democrat Mormons. Which is pretty anti-Mormon of them, frankly, because Democrats try to do crazy things like tell you how many wives you should have, or tax the insanely wealthy (and no one's insanely wealthier than the Mormons!). And Mormons don't like being told how many wives to have except via divine prophecy¹ — and they don't like being taxed except by the Church.

James Snideman, a senior majoring in Agricultural Management, had held a sign with photographs of Mormon prophet Gordon B. Hinckley and Vice President Dick Cheney. "Prophet vs. Profit" was scrawled across the sign. Snideman was asked to remove it.

"In the past we've had religious leaders that give us advice and counsel about what we're supposed to do with the rest of our lives," Snideman said. "And I'm supposed to hear that from a man who I believe has been very questionable in his dealings? There's a big conflict there."

Warner Woodworth, a professor of Organization Strategy and Leadership, has similar concerns, based on "…the example Cheney sets... We ought to have graduate speakers that are the best choices out there in terms of values and ethics and moral responsibility and personal commitment to good principles."

That standard might make it difficult to find suitable campus speakers, especially among politicians, suggests Mike Otterson, spokesman for Mormon leaders.

"You have to accept at some point that you are inviting people who are not members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and... their standards are a matter for them to take care of. I don't think we can become so self-righteous that we can expect everyone to live as we think they should live in order to qualify as a visitor to the University."

Yeah, c'mon, you smug Democrat Mormons. You can't judge Dick Cheney for not living by your rules! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF HIM!!! Don't be such racists.

Also, remember to vote for Mitt Romney in '08, and you'll be free to judge all day long.

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¹ And if you don't like it, well, sorry, but neither did Joseph Smith's wife. And here's a good book featuring Cheney's pal Gordon B. Hinckley.

Q: Can I die now?

A: Yes. After three months of futility, one of my story submissions finally made it to Digg's front page. I read those little heathens like a book! Meanwhile, there haven't been so many teenagers on npr.com since Terry Gross interviewed the dude from Franz Ferdinand.

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In other, awesomer news, I recently noticed that Uncle Grambo'd updated his sidebar blogroll — and there amongst the veritable who's who of bloggerati is...T.A.M.S.Y.!?!

Heyzeus Christmas!!! This is an achievement so towering that it requires its own post; I'm going to need room for a Sally Field-esque emotional breakdown. But my original reaction was this:

Q: Will rhymes that keep their secrets unfold behind the clouds?

A: For a few years there, I was very frightened of my own impending death. Not that I had a sense it was going to happen in the near future, or suddenly and without warning, even though I knew it might. Just the idea that it would happen at all. I was panicked by the concept of the finite, or our days being numbered, of the inevitable countdown that was part of every day of earth.

Most of all, I was very worried about who would maintain this blog, and whether my death would thus lead to the formation of a suicide cult six billion strong.

But then I got to thinking about how far we'd come in such a short period of time. A hundred years ago, who'd have known that one could soon travel 'round the globe in a matter of hours? Twenty years from now, who would have thought it'd be possible that we'd today be able to carry the entire Beatles, Rolling Stones and Elvis catalog on a metallic square smaller than a credit card? Think of the recent advancements in medical possibility: the Tommy John surgeries performed, the tiny cameras stuck into our orifices, the whatever else the medical industry is capable of these days.

And suddenly I realized something: All of these things seem commonplace now, and yet not too long ago, they would have appeared as unbelievable as immortality.

And then I read an article in an airline magazine about the scientific pursuit of immortality, and how it sought to find an explanation for why our cells get old and die. Because if you could create a means by which those cells regenerated themselves (for instance, tiny robotic cells replacing the natural ones or what have you), human beings wouldn't have to age or even die.

The only things in life that are certain are death and taxes, and possibly only taxes, and possibly not even taxes. Nothing is beyond the range of human possibility, and it was upon this belief that I have chosen to base my deluded bliss.

So when I saw this story on Digg, "If You're Alive in 20 years, you may be able to Live Forever," the only thing that struck me as unusual was that the person who posted it does not seem to understand the concept of capitalization. Granted, I have barely skimmed the headlines of the attached article — Human Immortality: A Scientific Reality? — nor do I plan to read it, as I'm sure it doesn't make a bit of goddamned sense.

Because it doesn't even matter. Maybe the key to immortality is not in the tiny robotic cells, or whatever else is in that article. Maybe it's a matter of mapping the human brain, and finding a way to back-up its contents like a hard drive. Or maybe time and space and energy and matter are themselves the hard drive; maybe we've left an indelible mark upon reality that the scientists of five hundred years from now will be able to trace and recreate in a petri dish, where we will all live once more. Or maybe we're all going to heaven. Whatever. It doesn't even matter how. It doesn't even matter if. It only matters that you decide death does not actually exist.

And you might say, But Dean, that doesn't make sense. You're living in a fantasy world.

To which I respond, Shhhhhhh. Don't wake the baby. The baby is sleeping. The baby is sleeping, and dreaming of a rainbow. And there upon the rainbow is the answer to our neverending story.



Oh, but just for the record, the guy who say that we shouldn't have to pay taxes just because it's not in the Constitution or whatever is obviously a crazy person.

Q: Best "pop" song of 2007 (so far)?

A: Speaking of ancient myth, here's my pick for best "pop" (can there really be a such thing as indie pop? isn't that an oxymoron?) song of 2007, so far.

Of Montreal - Heimdalsgate like a Promethean Curse
Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?, 2007 [buy it]

It's already been blogged to death, but whatever. Great song! And here's the video:

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Q: What does the song "Heimdalsgate Like a Promethean Curse" mean?

Pitchfork suggests it's a tribute to dualistic inspiring/degenerative powers of drugs, such as they relate to the creative process. I see it in a more innocent light: artist Kevin Barnes' appeal to his own brain chemicals as he struggled with depression while composing the album. But I'll leave it to the SongMeanings community to settle the issue (that link also has the lyrics).

Prometheus: Lit a fire under mankind's ass.

As of this moment, promethean curse is not even spefically mentioned in Prometheus' shoddily written Wikipedia entry (might want to ban Zeus' IP address -- just putting that out there). But the curse is a reference to the burdens of consciousness and creativity, as introduced to mankind when Prometheus smuggled us out some fire. Or something like that.

The acquisition of fire in ancient Greek myth is comparable to Eve's noshing on the fruit of the tree of good and evil in Genesis. Both really pissed off the jerk upstairs (Zeus/God). As punishment, the Old Testament God cast Adam and Eve out of the garden, into a cold, cruel, confusing, naked world, where they were forced them to buy new outfits from Banana Republic at full retail; and he made it so women would have to shoot babies out of their vagina. Zeus' punishment was Pandora's box (not a vaginal reference), and led to the same sort of woe and agony and whining.

But does anyone know what "Heimdalsgate" is? "Heimdalsgade" seems to mean something in Dansk -- which would make sense, since Barnes was in Norway when he made the album (as mentioned specifically in "A Sentence of Sorts in Kongsvinger," which begins, I spent the winter on the verge of a total breakdown while living in Norway). Is it a town? A neighborhood? Where are my Scandanavian readers? Do I have Scandanavian readers?

Heimdal: Like Prometheus, bound.

(The other possibility is that "Heimdalsgate" references some unknown scandal surrounding Scott Heimdal, the 27-year-old treasure hunter kidnapped by Colombian guerillas in 1990, and then rescued when the citizens of Peoria raised $60,000, via bake sales and the like, to pay his ransom. But, you know, that wouldn't really make sense.)

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This is part two in my new series on explaining the significance and meaning of notable songs, by which I mean linking repeatedly to Wikipedia, and rambling. The previous entry was Buffalo Springfield's "For What It's Worth."

Q: Gimme that old-time religion, gimme that old-time religion, gimme that old-time religion?

A:

• By Zeus! After a break of 16 centuries, Greek pagans are worshipping the ancient gods again... [The Guardian, via the Kenyon Review's blog]

That story is a follow-up to this piece from last summer, when Greece first unbanned worship of the ancient gods. It's a wonderful victory for freedom, tradition and mental illness, although the news has ruffled some feathers in the swan community.

Q: How did Ted Haggard un-catch gay?

A: In case you missed yesterday's fabulous, fabulous news, the Rev. Ted Haggard has been totally de-gayified, after an "intensive" three-week program in Arizona. From the Denver Post:

[The Rev. Tim] Ralph said three weeks of counseling at an undisclosed Arizona treatment center helped Haggard immensely and left Haggard sure of one thing.

"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

The Rev. Ted Haggard: 'I'm gonna wash that gay right outta my hair...'

Now, you might be confused by this process of "acting-out situations where things took place." Like you, I originally took it to mean Haggard was forcibly blown by meth dealers until they were able to suck the gay right out of him. Which struck me as unconventional, at best; in all the reading I've done on the subject (e.g., in the revered medical journal Gayectomy Monthly), I'd never come across a theory for curing homosexuality that involved such rampant homosexuality.

Well, I made some calls to my network of mountain reverends and undisclosed Arizona treatment centers, and it turns out I misunderstood. When Ralph referred to "acting-out situations," he meant acting in the literal sense. As in, community theater.

Remember: Last summer, Brokeback Mountain was irrefutably linked to having turned everyone gay (as reported by some of our nation's finest news sources, and Fleshbot). But if that's true, which it is, doesn't it stand to reason that watching Brokeback Mountain in reverse would turn everyone straight? The only logical answer is yes.

It was a similar stroke of brilliance that led Haggard's doctors to test out a revolutionary and more powerful new treatment: First, to have a group of gay men watch Brokeback backwards repeatedly; and then, to give them three weeks to adapt it to the stage, and mount it as part of the renowned Tempe Experimental Christian Theater Festival.

As you probably guessed, the project proved to be an unqualified success -- theologically, medically, artistically and most of all, heterosexually.

Haggard, left, prepares for the confusing backwards tent scene.

Not only did Kcabekorb Niatnuom sweep the festival's audience awards (including an honor for Haggard himself in the category "Least Homoerotic Performance by a Male Reverend"), but it also turned the entire cast completely straight. Which is good news for them, because otherwise, they wouldn't have been allowed to go home.

Unfortunately, because the recovery process involved community theater, Haggard is still considered gay by the U.S. military. All in all, though, the man can only feel encouraged by his progress. Consider that many people struggle with addiction for decades -- hell, Barack Obama can barely quit smoking. And yet it took Haggard just three weeks to kick one of the world's most powerful addictions, that of having sex with men who aren't your wife.

At this rate, Ted should be able to get off the meth in, oh, five days, tops.

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RELATED: Andrew Sullivan remains skeptical, not to mention aroused. But c'mon, what does Sullivan know about being gay that xenophobic Midwestern evangelicals don't?

PLUS: Did Brokeback turn you gay? | Meth humor, cont.

Q: Did you hear the one about the mysterious disappearance of Jesus' foreskin?

J.C. Uncut: "Um, guys? You're kind of weirding me out here."

A: That's not the elaborate setup for a joke. It's the elaborate setup for an actual news story: Who Stole Jesus' Foreskin? [Slate]

And if you think that sounds weird, trust me, it's way weirder than you think. I don't want to give too much away, but just consider the following tidbits:

• Jesus Christ's foreskin was the pride of an Italian city for over 400 years...
• And officially recognized as a holy relic by the Vatican...
• Until 1900, when the Catholic Church opted to cancel the annual Feast of the Circumcision...
• At which point it banned anyone from ever mentioning the foreskin again.
• And then recently, it was stolen, probably either by the Vatican or hippies.

Really. No, seriously. I'm not joking. Read the story.

And Americans think Islam is weird?

Q: Is brain damage the new Viagra?

A: No, because you have to pay for Viagra. Brain damage is not only free, it's a potential gold mine.

• Injured man wins damages for sex overdrive [Reuters]

LONDON - A devout Christian who said an accident at work boosted his libido and wrecked his marriage as he turned to prostitutes and pornography was awarded more than 3 million pounds ($5.89 million) in damages Tuesday.

Stephen Tame, 29, from Suffolk, suffered severe head injuries in a fall, transforming him from a loyal newlywed into a "disinhibited" character who had two affairs.

The good news for Mr. Tame is that he'll have plenty of pocket money for hookers and blow. The bad news is...hold on, I'm still looking for the bad news. Oh, I guess you can count it as bad news that he'll suffer eternity in the Second Circle of Hell.

Virgil to Dante: "The girls in this place are totally easy."

Anyway, the next time you suffer a massive head trauma in the workplace, just think of it as a very lucrative time to have an affair. You'll be carousing all the way to the bank.

In related news, Scott Baio has announced that he will be suing God.

Q: Why is Bart Simpson not having a cow?

A: Because he employed the techniques learned in L. Ron Hubbard's "Dianetics" to manage his stress level.

On a related note, Simpsons voice talent Nancy Cartwright is a Scientologist. And like South Park's now-dead Chef, she is rumored not to take too kindly to Scientology jokes in Springfield, says TimesUK blogger Chris Ayres:

"The writers figured they could slip the joke past her," smirked my Simpsons insider. "But they were wrong. Nancy's line was something like, "Mormonism? That's the second freakiest religion in America!'. Nancy caught it, and she wasn't happy. We had to drop it."

Cartwright's publicist denied the story, which means it's probably true.

SO, YEAH: This was supposed to be a post with the newly unveiled trailer for the Simpsons movie... but then it got taken off of YouTube within like five seconds (damn you, Google, and your cripplingly effective copyright police!). So I guess you're just going to have to download it from Apple. Whatevs. T.A.M.S.Y. expects the movie to be the awesomeyest, even though that trailer relies pretty heavily on a stupid sight gag.

Q: Why, God, why?

No, but c'mon Dude, seriously: Why?

This kind of thing would be enough to make a man profoundly depressed. I mean, were he not already profoundly depressed.

It's just way too early in the year to be roasting this particular chestnut:

Hank Williams - "At the First Fall of Snow"
The Complete Hank Williams, 1998

No one is suffering more, though, than my adorable wittle Jack O'Lantern, who's freezing his pumpkin-spiced ass off out there.

O'Lantern: Wishes he'd never been carved.

And through it all, he puts on such a brave face. Oh Jesus, what a trooper!!!

Q: Does what goes around come around, and also vice versa?

A: You best believe it, bitches. And when I say "bitches," I mean "esteemed readers." Anywaysies: for evidence of the above eternal truth, look no further than tonight's karma-heavy headlines.

#1) The Toronto Star: Church to probe priest who fondled Foley.

Dayyyayumn, church! That is some serious eye-for-an-eye shit, Old Testament-stizzazz!

Now all we need is for several congressional pages to rape that church's congregation, and the circle of fuck will finally be complete. At which point we can go back to our normal lives, hunting down the killer of JonBenet Ramsey.

#2) MLB.com: Cameras notice spot on [Kenny] Rogers' hand.

Wow. The implications of this story are so intense, I can't even begin to make sense of them. In fact, I have literally no idea what any of that story means.

Do note, however, that the cameras were probably biased, as they have sought revenge on Kenny Rogers ever since he punched one of them in the face a year ago. Revenge is sweet, isn't it, cameras? Not sweet enough to mess with Rogers' bizarre mutation into Cy Young, but sweet nonetheless. Or whatever.

The moral of the story is, don't fuck with cameras or Florida churches, unless you want to get accused of cheating and anally violated. If you enjoy both, however, I recommend punching a cameraman at a Miami baptism.