Q: Is the GOP a man trapped in a woman trapped in a man's body?

A: Moderate Republican Arnold Schwarzeneggar got terminated at his own state convention by Texas Gov. Rick Perry and a bunch of lunatic homophobe racists. [SF Gate]

Q: When did New Orleans become so watered down?

A: Wait, let me rephrase that. When did New Orleans become such so sanitized? Look: Larry Flynt Says He’s Found Five Hookers ‘So Far’ Who Had Sex with Sen. Vitter in New Orleans

Has it really come to this? Are no Big Easy politicians killing their hookers anymore?

It's a disgrace, I tells you.

Q: It's 5:52AM — do you know where your political strategy went?

A: As one Democratic Senator (can't remember who. some lady. it's very early) explained to the media last night, "This is not a political stunt. This is reality." Unfortunately, that statement proved to be not very realistic.

No, Harry Reid's all-night bloviati-thon is unlikely to have been successful in convincing jackass Republicans, or jackass Liebermans, to force an end to the war — not unless sleep deprivation proves to be as successful a coercion tactic as the CIA claims. (I suspect Reid will have to up the ante next week, to stress positions and eventually waterboarding.)

But Reid can at least claim victory here in the sense that... well, you know... yeah, I can't think of anything.

One reason — perhaps the biggest reason — Congress' approval ratings are so low is because Americans have the impression no one is getting anything done. Spending all night very dramatically not getting anything done, in the midst of a media frenzy, isn't going to help that.

On the other hand, Jerry Lewis did a wonderful job again with the hosting duties.

MEANWHILE: While we waste time and money and lives in Iraq, the people we purport to be fighting, Al-Qaeda, are hosting a little sleepaway camp of their own in Pakistan. Good times.

Q: Is Bill Kristol the Jonathan Swift of our time?

Kristol: The sneers of a clown

A: Weekly Standard editor and cutting-edge satirist William Kristol wrote a knee-slappingly hilarious editorial for yesterday's Washington Post, "Why Bush Will Be a Winner." I laughed so hard, I shot like a gallon of milk through my nose — and I wasn't even drinking milk!

Kristol packs in such zingers as,

Let's step back from the unnecessary mistakes and the self-inflicted wounds that have characterized the Bush administration. Let's look at the broad forest rather than the often unlovely trees. What do we see?

Hahahahaha! See, it's funny, because you'd have to step back so far, you'd be on like Jupiter.

I hate to give away all the punchlines, but this is his conclusion:

What it comes down to is this: If Petraeus succeeds in Iraq, and a Republican wins in 2008, Bush will be viewed as a successful president.

I like the odds.

OH GOD STOP CAN'T BREATHE!

I haven't read much Weekly Standard, but Alfred E. Newman better watch his back! There's a new funnyman in town!!!!

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POSTSCRIPT: Arianna Huffington is under the impression Kristol's whimsical essay was meant literally (she probably thought "A Modest Proposal" was really about eating babies, too). Huffington claims to have ridden in the same Amtrak car with Kristol last week; presumably this occurred in the seventh circle of hell.

Meanwhile, Andrew Sullivan may be onto something. -- 3:13PM

Q: Oh Ron Paul enthusiasts, what won't you say?

A: Those of you who live outside the Internet might not be aware that there are millions of young nerds who've become unhealthily obsessed with Texas Congressman and Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul. Actually, it might only be thousands of young nerds, or hundreds, or twelve, but they are extremely persistent and outspoken — by which I mean paranoid and annoying — and have perhaps been effective over the past few months in spreading their message — by which I mean drilling it into everyone's face.

(None of which is to say that Ron Paul isn't a better candidate than the other Republicans running. He is. But then, my cat is a better candidate than the other Republicans running.)

As a result of the grassroots campaign, targeted to social networking sites like Digg and Reddit and random message boards everywhere and probably soon my comments section, Paul allegedly has more money than John "Going Off the Rails on a Crazy" McCain. Either that, or Paul's just really bad at math.

One of the favorite hobbies — maybe the favoritest hobby — of the Ron Paul Liberation Army is to attack the media for its anti-Ron Paul propagandist lies. (Some might argue it'd be difficult for the press to underestimate a candidate whose standing in the polls is between two and zero percent, but hey, maybe the pollsters are just anti-Ron Paul propagandist liars.) This constant yammering about the media conspiracy to whatever whatever would be much more bearable if Ron Paul's posse weren't such propagandist liars themselves.

• ACTUAL HEADLINE: Paul rises from GOP unknown to 'sleeper'
• ACTUAL CONTENT: "Though political pros say Mr. Paul's chances of moving into the White House are between slim and none, some expect him to have an effect on the Republican race."
• REVISED HEADLINE AS IT APPEARS ON REDDIT: Dr. Ron Paul Rises From Republican Unknown to a Leading Contender for GOP Nomination

Of course, the story rocketed to the top of Reddit within an hour or two. Ron Paul's base: Fair and balanced.

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BREAKING NEWS: Mitt Romney just squared off in a debate against my cat. Romney spoke for around 25 minutes, and then my cat vomited. After judges reviewed the facts, the winner celebrated her victory with Fancy Feast.

She was then run over by Mormons.

Q: What's surprising about a Republican politician being outed as gay and/or into hookers?

A: Nothing. Under normal circumstances, the story of a Republican politician running around banging hookers, or gay hookers, is what people in D.C. like to call "the weekend." Or just "nighttime." Or "being awake."

For one thing, getting caught with hookers is totally hip and getting hipper. And by now, it can safely be assumed that all Republican political figures — especially the ragingly homophobic among them — have caught gay.¹ It's barely even news anymore, let alone surprisinger^TM news.

In Florida, though, everything's a little more shall we say complicated.

TITUSVILLE -- Florida Rep. Robert "Bob" Allen, R-Merritt Island, was arrested this afternoon at Veteran's Memorial Park on East Broad Street for solicitation for prostitution.

He is currently being booked into Brevard County Jail in Sharpes. The charge is a second-degree misdemeanor, according to police.

Yawn. Snore. Zzz. It's by no means surprising that Bob Allen has an alleged taste for prostitution. It's not even surprising when, in the next paragraph, it turns out to be gay prostitution. And it's only a teensy bit surprising when it's revealed that Allen wasn't looking for a prostitute — he was prostituting himself.

No, the surprise here isn't that Rep. Allen allegedly moonlights as a gay hooker. It's that he moonlights as an extremely cheap hooker.

According to police, the park was under surveillance today by a detail of undercover Titusville Police officers. Officers noticed Allen acting suspicious as he went in and out of the men’s restroom three times. Minutes later, he solicited an undercover male officer inside the restroom, offering to perform oral sex for $20.

Florida Rep. Bob Allen: They call that a bargain — the best I ever had.

What is happening to the Republican Party when one of its members is willing to blow a stranger for twenty bucks? Twenty bucks!? If Reagan were still alive and a gay hooker, I assure you he would take nothing less than $50, minimum. Either Allen should be ashamed of himself, or else he gives terrible beejes, for which he should be ashamed of himself.

The other surprising thing is that, unlike all other recently disgraced Republicans, Allen wasn't working for the Giuliani campaign. He was working for McCain.

Of course, the fact that it all took place in a state park men's restroom is so overwhelmingly unsurprising as to render all other related surprises nil. So let's move on.

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¹ The only Republican who isn't gay is teleportational date rapist George W. Bush. Well, okay, he was a little bi in the 80s, but who wasn't a little bi in the 80s? From what I remember of 1984, it was all cocaine and sodomy. Granted, I was only four, but I ran with a kind of wild crowd.

Q: Why can't you trust a conservative blogger?

A: Because they're full of shit, obvs. Even conservative politicians know that.

(Of course, this doesn't apply to Sean the WASP, whom, like all regular T.A.M.S.Y. readers, you can trust implicitly.)

Q: How excited am I about this summer's "Transformers" movie?

A: Hey, good question. Before I answer, a few things to consider.

• Transformers is a movie based on a cartoon based on Hasbro's desire to sell more toys. It seemed like a really awesome idea when I was five years old.
• Its heroes, the Autobots, are robots who transform into vehicles; its antagonists, the evil Decepticons, are also robots who transform into vehicles. Everyone saves a lot of money on parking.

• Its most beloved character, Optimus Prime, is a right-wing nutjob, known mostly for his:
• custom red, white and blue paint job;
• constant shout-outs to "freedom," "evil" (actual mottos: "Freedom is the right of all sentient beings," and "We will put out the fires of evil," which together comprise 85% of statements issued by the Bush White House);
• enormous guns;
• being not just a trucker, but part of a truck himself. If that doesn't scream red state, nothing does.
• involvement in U.S. military and hometown in rural Ohio;
  
• existence based solely on making money.
• PHONE MESSAGE LEFT ON JON VOIGHT'S ANSWERING MACHINE: "Hey, Jon, this is your agent. Seeing as how you're an Oscar-winner and one of the great actors of our time, I have four great scripts I want to run by you. Okay: One is the eagerly anticipated sequel to Baby Geniuses; the second is an adaptation of one of the finest books ever written by Mitch Albom; the third is a made-for-CBS biopic where you'll be playing Pope John Paul II; and the fourth one is this thing about toy robots with the power to turn into common automobiles. Don't worry about the contract details, I already forged your signature. Okay, I should get going — I got 'til 5PM to pay off these gambling debts or they're gonna take my other thumb."
• Hey, look, it's our old pal Shia LaBeouf! Still experiencing disturbances in the suburbs!
  
  
  
  I like how he's wearing an authentic The Strokes t-shirt. Everything about this movie is so charmingly retro.
  
• It's directed by Michael Bay.
  

FINAL ANSWER: On a scale of one to ten, my excitement level for Transformers: The Movie is, hmm... a two.

Oh, hang on, the two just transformed into a negative twelve.

RELATED: IMDb | Tomatoes | T.A.M.S.Y. on Film

Q: Rumsfeld resigns!?

Wait, he can't resign, not yet! I'm not finished with my "Why Donald Rumsfeld must resign" post! I totally worked hard on it!!!

Dammit, Bush administration, of all the times to demand accountability!

ALSO: Bush Admits He Lied About Rumsfeld For Political Purposes [ThinkProgress]

Yeah, because if you had admitted you were thinking about firing Rumsfeld, it would have like totally screwed the Republicans. Oh wait, no, the exact opposite.

I'm sorry, did the Republicans want to lose this election? Because it's been a while since I've seen such campaign incompetence from anyone that wasn't a Democrat.

Q: After months of speculation, debate and constant muckraking, the fate of American democracy now rests... on two dudes from Montana?

Q: Are the Democrats done in the race for supremacy in the Senate?

A: Yes, sadly. They fought a good fight, but with Harold Ford's disappointing defeat to Julia Corker's dad (see: sexy bisexual teen pictured above) in Tennessee, it looks like the Dems will fall just short of the 51 votes neede--OMG WAIT HOLD THE PHONE!!!

BREAKING NEWS FROM MISSOURI!

McCaskill leapfrogs Talent!

Plus, Tester pulls ahead of Burns in Montana! Webb retaining slight lead over Allen in Virginia! Ladies and gentlecrats, IT'S ON!

Keep the midnight oil a-burnin' with T.A.M.S.Y., folks. We've still got plenty of beer left.

Q: IS IT MORNING IN VIRGINIA!?!

A: Oh Jesus, it's too close to tell! Looks like it's going to be A PHOTO FINISH!!!!



And with 99.5% of precincts reporting, it's James Webb by a nose hair! OMG WHAT A (potential) COMEBACK! I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST (potentially) SAW! THE GIANTS (maybe) WIN THE PENNANT!!!!!!

(Um, your turn, Tennessee!)

edit: added WaPo link.

Q: IS IT MORNING IN AMERICA!?!?

A: Just ask Fox News!



Oh God, the excitement!! I can barely handle it!!!!

(By the way, you've really got to hand it to Fox News. They know how to hammer it home when they want you to think the news is bad. Paired with that photo of a Satanic-looking Nancy Pelosi, celebratory claws outstretched, that headline suddenly looks frightening even to T.A.M.S.Y.)