Q: Why can't you trust the media to tell you which way the wind blows?

A: The current top headlines, via Google News:


You kids can feel free to refer to this post when claiming the media- controlled pollsters are all screwed up vis-a-vis President-Elect Ron Paul.

Q: Snakes, you say? On a plane? My word.

A: Seriously, guys, I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane. Am I right? Anyone? Is this thing on?

CAIRO — A Saudi passenger tried to smuggle a large number of reptiles, including cobra snakes and infant Nile crocodiles, out of Egypt in his luggage, Egypt's official Middle East News Agency reported Sunday.

The crime was committed by a Saudi, but a few months, George W. Bush will blame it all on Iraqis.

• EARLIER: I've had it with these motherfucking monkeys in your motherfucking hat
  
• ELSEWHERE: Sen. Ron Paul is the Snakes on a Plane of the GOP

Q: Oh Ron Paul enthusiasts, what won't you say?

A: Those of you who live outside the Internet might not be aware that there are millions of young nerds who've become unhealthily obsessed with Texas Congressman and Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul. Actually, it might only be thousands of young nerds, or hundreds, or twelve, but they are extremely persistent and outspoken — by which I mean paranoid and annoying — and have perhaps been effective over the past few months in spreading their message — by which I mean drilling it into everyone's face.

(None of which is to say that Ron Paul isn't a better candidate than the other Republicans running. He is. But then, my cat is a better candidate than the other Republicans running.)

As a result of the grassroots campaign, targeted to social networking sites like Digg and Reddit and random message boards everywhere and probably soon my comments section, Paul allegedly has more money than John "Going Off the Rails on a Crazy" McCain. Either that, or Paul's just really bad at math.

One of the favorite hobbies — maybe the favoritest hobby — of the Ron Paul Liberation Army is to attack the media for its anti-Ron Paul propagandist lies. (Some might argue it'd be difficult for the press to underestimate a candidate whose standing in the polls is between two and zero percent, but hey, maybe the pollsters are just anti-Ron Paul propagandist liars.) This constant yammering about the media conspiracy to whatever whatever would be much more bearable if Ron Paul's posse weren't such propagandist liars themselves.

• ACTUAL HEADLINE: Paul rises from GOP unknown to 'sleeper'
• ACTUAL CONTENT: "Though political pros say Mr. Paul's chances of moving into the White House are between slim and none, some expect him to have an effect on the Republican race."
• REVISED HEADLINE AS IT APPEARS ON REDDIT: Dr. Ron Paul Rises From Republican Unknown to a Leading Contender for GOP Nomination

Of course, the story rocketed to the top of Reddit within an hour or two. Ron Paul's base: Fair and balanced.

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BREAKING NEWS: Mitt Romney just squared off in a debate against my cat. Romney spoke for around 25 minutes, and then my cat vomited. After judges reviewed the facts, the winner celebrated her victory with Fancy Feast.

She was then run over by Mormons.