Q: How did Kurt Vonnegut die?

A: The official word is that Kurt Vonnegut died of "suffered irreversible brain injuries as a result of a fall several weeks ago." T.A.M.S.Y. suspect this is all an allegorically minded cover, and that he actually died of disgust.

Either that, or he simply succumbed to superfluousness, having suddenly discovered the world around him to be even more preposterous than he could ever have conceived of in a novel.

R.I.P. Kurt Vonnegut (1922—2007).

Q: Why am I crying tears of liquid magnesium?

A: During a very dark period of my life, I tried to kill myself. I took every pill in the bottle.

Unfortunately, the only bottle in the medicine cabinet was Flintstones Vitamins.

I shouldn't say "unfortunately." It really was a fortunate turn of events. Not only because I didn't die, but also because it turned out that the only reason I had been so depressed was my undiagnosed scurvy.

But taking an entire bottle of children's vitamins will do strange things to a man-child. I had a strange series of visions — some of which I videotaped, and then posted on YouTube.



Mmmmm... Dino wins indeed.

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NOTE: This joke might be funnier if I didn't turn out to be the one millionth person to make it.

Whatever. Today's T.A.M.S.Y. is sponsored by Winston Cigarettes, because nothing will make you forget about your scurvy faster than lung cancer.

Q: Best "pop" song of 2007 (so far)?

A: Speaking of ancient myth, here's my pick for best "pop" (can there really be a such thing as indie pop? isn't that an oxymoron?) song of 2007, so far.

Of Montreal - Heimdalsgate like a Promethean Curse
Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?, 2007 [buy it]

It's already been blogged to death, but whatever. Great song! And here's the video:

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Q: What does the song "Heimdalsgate Like a Promethean Curse" mean?

Pitchfork suggests it's a tribute to dualistic inspiring/degenerative powers of drugs, such as they relate to the creative process. I see it in a more innocent light: artist Kevin Barnes' appeal to his own brain chemicals as he struggled with depression while composing the album. But I'll leave it to the SongMeanings community to settle the issue (that link also has the lyrics).

Prometheus: Lit a fire under mankind's ass.

As of this moment, promethean curse is not even spefically mentioned in Prometheus' shoddily written Wikipedia entry (might want to ban Zeus' IP address -- just putting that out there). But the curse is a reference to the burdens of consciousness and creativity, as introduced to mankind when Prometheus smuggled us out some fire. Or something like that.

The acquisition of fire in ancient Greek myth is comparable to Eve's noshing on the fruit of the tree of good and evil in Genesis. Both really pissed off the jerk upstairs (Zeus/God). As punishment, the Old Testament God cast Adam and Eve out of the garden, into a cold, cruel, confusing, naked world, where they were forced them to buy new outfits from Banana Republic at full retail; and he made it so women would have to shoot babies out of their vagina. Zeus' punishment was Pandora's box (not a vaginal reference), and led to the same sort of woe and agony and whining.

But does anyone know what "Heimdalsgate" is? "Heimdalsgade" seems to mean something in Dansk -- which would make sense, since Barnes was in Norway when he made the album (as mentioned specifically in "A Sentence of Sorts in Kongsvinger," which begins, I spent the winter on the verge of a total breakdown while living in Norway). Is it a town? A neighborhood? Where are my Scandanavian readers? Do I have Scandanavian readers?

Heimdal: Like Prometheus, bound.

(The other possibility is that "Heimdalsgate" references some unknown scandal surrounding Scott Heimdal, the 27-year-old treasure hunter kidnapped by Colombian guerillas in 1990, and then rescued when the citizens of Peoria raised $60,000, via bake sales and the like, to pay his ransom. But, you know, that wouldn't really make sense.)

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This is part two in my new series on explaining the significance and meaning of notable songs, by which I mean linking repeatedly to Wikipedia, and rambling. The previous entry was Buffalo Springfield's "For What It's Worth."

Q: Awkward-est blooper since the overcaffeinated "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" kid?

A: You remember Too Much Coffee Lad, right? Well, this quick clip from TechTV nearly matches it in cringeworthiness...



...but neither comes anywhere close to the pain and awkwardness experienced by the Chinese stage model who recently dropped a ancient mirror worth a million bucks on national television.

Ever wish a single moment could've lasted forever? Yeah, her too...

T.A.M.S.Y. still loves you, unnamed Chinese stage model.

I don't think the clip's leaked to the Internet yet. Or maybe I'm just afraid to check. [story via Table of Malcontents; TechTV blooper via commenter on Digg]

Q: Can chimps chat?

A: The Smithsonian ran a cool story in its November issue, "Speaking Bonobo," about the language comprehension skills of Kanzi, a bonobo ape at Des Moines, Iowa's Great Ape Trust. According to Sue Savage-Rumbaugh, the psychologist who trained him, Kanzi can understand 3,000 spoken English words (including 348 he can identify on a special symbol-based keyboard).

Kanzi pushes the button for "Consciousness is a curse"

If you watched much Reading Rainbow as a kid, like I did, I'm sure you remember Koko's Kitten, about the real-life story of Koko the gorilla, whose trainers taught her remedial sign language. Koko signed "cat" repeatedly to ask for a kitten for her birthday, and then signs assorted :( words after (SPOILER ALERT!!!!!) her kitten is mowed down by a car.

You probably remember it as the day you were introduced to the concept of death by LaVar Burton, and/or the saddest goddamn thing you've ever seen. And so you might not be entirely surprised by Kanzi's language abilities. But check this out:

She and her colleagues have been testing the bonobos' ability to express their thoughts vocally, rather than by pushing buttons. In one experiment she described to me, she placed Kanzi and Panbanisha, his sister, in separate rooms where they could hear but not see each other. Through lexigrams, Savage-Rumbaugh explained to Kanzi that he would be given yogurt. He was then asked to communicate this information to Panbanisha. "Kanzi vocalized, then Panbanisha vocalized in return and selected 'yogurt' on the keyboard in front of her," Savage-Rumbaugh tells me.

In other words, not only can Kanzi "understand" (or at least recognize) the word "yogurt," he can also communicate "yogurt" in ape-speak! Totally awesome. (I mean, assuming this isn't a scam or whatever; I'm curious as to what other experiments the psychologists have run, and whether or not they've been successful.)

Bonobos: 'WE FUCKIN' LOVE YOGURT!!!'

MORE: "Speaking Bonobo" complements a larger feature, "The Smart and Swinging Bonobo," exploring the endangered status of these violent, horny, and all around adorable primates. Plus, see the Web exclusive "Bonobo Paradise," a.k.a. MTV Cribs: Lola Ya Bonobo.

DID YOU KNOW? Calling a monkey "chimp" is totally racist. "Chimp" is short, of course, for chimpanzee, and chimpanzees (including bonobos, a.k.a., pygmy chimpanzees) are apes, not monkeys. Don't get them confused, or you'll look like a dumb Polack.

VOTE: For LaVar Burton as the Best Children's TV Host in the World. Reading Rainbow totally rules! But you don't have to take my word for it...

Q: Can a tree feel pain?

Weeping willows: Dude should put 'em out of their misery.

A: No, you crazy hippie, it's a tree.

Since you asked, though, it warrants mentioning that paper can feel pain. Also disillusionment. Just look.

if you can read these words, you aren't watching this video.

If you dig it, digg it.

And okay, yeah, I already posted that from YouTube last summer. But everything just looks better in Google Video.

Q: Why am I weeping hysterically?

A: Because you have not yet placed your...

Vote for The Answer May Surprise You

I hate you all. Except for Jordan, who is a true American hero.

Will you accept a bribe? Because I have plenty more obscure but delightful music for you.

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Stephen Brodsky's Octave Museum - Kid Defender [mp3]
Stephen Brodsky's Octave Museum, 2006

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You may remember Brodsky from the song "Prove Yourself," which I posted back in October. The whole album is just so frickin' good, I couldn't resist plugging it again.

Of all the artists getting shafted in the year-end best-of lists, the robbery of the Octave Museum may well be the highwayiest. And I'm not just saying that because I suspect Brodsky is secretly a Simakis...

Stephen Brodsky: Is the new Dimitri?

Anyway, what are you, a Communist? Get voting.

Q: Is woe me?

A: As previously mentioned, I've been lax in my bloggage duties lately, owing to a combination of stress and listlessness. I feel considerably more listful today -- indeed, speaking relatively, I'm a veritable font of list -- so I'm trying to take advantage before my soul is plunged back into the abyss.

Of course, for me, these brief moments of motivation are inextricably tied to obsessive-compulsion, which tonight means I'm going to be adding labels to all my old posts, among other new features you won't notice or care about.

DIGrssION: The downside of this, to the handful of you who read T.A.M.S.Y. via my RSS feed, is that you're going to be briefly inundated with my entire archives for no reason. Sorry. Hopefully your RSS feeder has a "Mark all as read" feature (like that of the oft-recommended Google Reader). Otherwise, I hope you're looking forward to refamiliarizing yourself with my oeuvre. If anyone has any idea how to prevent such occurrences of RSS spam (Jordan, I'm glancing in your direction), now would be the time to mention it.

If the Muse permits, I'll also be debuting an exciting new reoccurring column, What's On Your Mind, America?, that is certain to send you hurdling off the brink of orgasm. Plus, I'll try to post a few mp3s, including new stuff from Deerhoof, Gwen Stefani and/or the Brazilian Girls. And if there's time, a series of photos taken from within Britney Spears' cervix, as per the newly mandated blog quota.

Oh, by the way, the Proust poster up top comes via this handy auto-Motivator machine. It's even more fun than the Bart Simpson Chalkboard Generator!

Q: Will you believe a kiwi can fly?

A: You'll want to...



Kiwi! is the master's thesis animation of School of Visual Arts '06 grad Dony Permedi. If he didn't have a job lined up before this got dugg, he probably will by tomorrow.