Q: Dixit? I barely even know it!

A: I know I've already covered lame sex researchers this month, but then I found this Psychology Today story on the front page of reddit, and not only is it even lamer than the last one, but author Jay Dixit has the gaul to claim "the answers may surprise you." T.A.M.S.Y. will be the judge of that, Jay Dixit.

Mixed in with the pseudoscience and old news, though, was one stat that actually did manage to surprise me. If it's true. Which, how can it be?

But the truth is that HIV isn't nearly as easy to spread through heterosexual sex as many people think. According to a study in the Journal of the American Medical Association, men almost never get HIV from women. A healthy man who has unprotected sex with a non drug-using woman has a one in 5 million chance of getting HIV. If he wears a condom, the odds drop to one in 50 million. And though it's easier for men to infect women, the odds that an HIV-positive man will transmit the virus to a woman through sex are less than one in 1,000.

I know the American Medical Association is full of crackpots and everything, but this seems like a stretch, even for them. How were 2.7 million Sub-Saharan Africans infected with HIV in 2005 without having sex, like, 300 trillion times?

EARLIER: Why is Dr. Alfred Kinsey rolling in his grave?

Q: Why is Dr. Alfred Kinsey not rolling in his grave?

Dr. Kinsey: Gives this study an F.

A: Because today's sex researchers are a total snooze. Look, if scientists have to put out a survey to establish that "men were less discriminating when it came to deciding who to kiss or who to have sex with," either they don't get out enough or they're reading too much College Callgirl.

Out of pure spite, I ran my own, much better study, surveying over six billion people on a number of issues. Here are some of my findings:

• Men are from Mars, whereas women tend to be from Venus.
  
• Men are more likely to leave the toilet seat up, but women take longer to get ready.
• Women often prefer shopping to watching sporting events on television. Take my wife. Please!
• Some guy who writes for Slate is better at math than some lady who writes for the New York Times.
• Black people are generally better than white people at basketball.
• Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.
• Please, give me back my wife.

Q: Wait, cocaine?

A: Swiss scientists have discovered "A Nasal Spray to Shed Your Shyness."

University of Zurich researchers have created a spray that can relieve people of shyness, and help them socialise with others.

The spray is very easy to use, and an individual can boost self-confidence just by squirting it up the nose.

Amazing! Now if only science could develop some kind of smokable herb to stimulate creativity, relieve nausea and mitigate the symptoms of glaucoma, I'd be really impressed.

Q: Now that it's been disproven, can we agree to stop talking about evolution?

A: Those of you worried about the American education system can breathe a huge sigh of relief this morning, thanks to some heartwarming news out of South Carolina. Of course, President Bush already fixed the public schools—but it turns out private institutions have their own special way of ensuring that no child be Left Behind.

The results are in from Pawleys Island Christian Academy's prestigious science fair, and the winner in one category... may surprise you. Under the tutelage of teacher Judy Doerr, PICA's preteens are taking science to new heights! By which I mean, they're finally destroying it.


I almost missed this story, but luckily, the Georgetown Times matched it with a real barn-burner of a headline:

Christian Academy Science Fair winners named.

Judy Doerr, the science teacher for middle school students at Pawleys Island Christian Academy (PICA), says she is very pleased with this year's science fair projects. "This is the third year we have held the science fair at PICA and I am excited about the variety of projects the students have created," Doerr said.

Brian Benson, an eighth-grade student who won first place in the Life Science/Biology category for his project "Creationism Is the Winner!", says he disproved part of the theory of evolution. Using a rolled-up paper towel suspended between two glasses of water with Epsom Salts, the paper towel formed stalactites. He states that the theory that they take millions of years to develop is incorrect.

"Scientists say it takes millions of years to form stalactites," Benson said. "However, in only a couple of hours, I have formed stalactites just by using paper towel and Epsom Salts."

OH MY GOD. Nearly two hundred years of scientists' lies and several decades of ill-begotten curriculum, refuted in two hours by a 13-year-old with table seasoning and a roll of Bounty! Finally!!! Inherit THAT wind, Charles Darwin—YOU FRAUDULENT WHORE!

Yes, after Mr. Benson's discovery, not even Richard Dawkins could claim creationism isn't the winner. The results are obviously irrefutable. I mean, it won the science fair, for God's sake. Plus, these findings strike deep into, and also detonate, the very core of Darwin's theories. Knowing what we know now, evolution simply makes no sense. Consider, for instance, this excerpt from Darwin's 1859 book On the Origin of Species:



So much for that little house of cards!

---

Man, all the sudden I feel like such an uneducated jerkwad. When I was in grade school, my top scientific achievement was proving that volcanoes erupt when God pours vinegar into the baking soda.

Nonetheless, it's refreshing to find that schools are evolving ... changing for the better ... doing whatever Jerry Falwell told them to do. Thank goodness we have people like Ms. Doerr shaping the minds of our children. Hurray for the future!!!!!

Q: Will rhymes that keep their secrets unfold behind the clouds?

A: For a few years there, I was very frightened of my own impending death. Not that I had a sense it was going to happen in the near future, or suddenly and without warning, even though I knew it might. Just the idea that it would happen at all. I was panicked by the concept of the finite, or our days being numbered, of the inevitable countdown that was part of every day of earth.

Most of all, I was very worried about who would maintain this blog, and whether my death would thus lead to the formation of a suicide cult six billion strong.

But then I got to thinking about how far we'd come in such a short period of time. A hundred years ago, who'd have known that one could soon travel 'round the globe in a matter of hours? Twenty years from now, who would have thought it'd be possible that we'd today be able to carry the entire Beatles, Rolling Stones and Elvis catalog on a metallic square smaller than a credit card? Think of the recent advancements in medical possibility: the Tommy John surgeries performed, the tiny cameras stuck into our orifices, the whatever else the medical industry is capable of these days.

And suddenly I realized something: All of these things seem commonplace now, and yet not too long ago, they would have appeared as unbelievable as immortality.

And then I read an article in an airline magazine about the scientific pursuit of immortality, and how it sought to find an explanation for why our cells get old and die. Because if you could create a means by which those cells regenerated themselves (for instance, tiny robotic cells replacing the natural ones or what have you), human beings wouldn't have to age or even die.

The only things in life that are certain are death and taxes, and possibly only taxes, and possibly not even taxes. Nothing is beyond the range of human possibility, and it was upon this belief that I have chosen to base my deluded bliss.

So when I saw this story on Digg, "If You're Alive in 20 years, you may be able to Live Forever," the only thing that struck me as unusual was that the person who posted it does not seem to understand the concept of capitalization. Granted, I have barely skimmed the headlines of the attached article — Human Immortality: A Scientific Reality? — nor do I plan to read it, as I'm sure it doesn't make a bit of goddamned sense.

Because it doesn't even matter. Maybe the key to immortality is not in the tiny robotic cells, or whatever else is in that article. Maybe it's a matter of mapping the human brain, and finding a way to back-up its contents like a hard drive. Or maybe time and space and energy and matter are themselves the hard drive; maybe we've left an indelible mark upon reality that the scientists of five hundred years from now will be able to trace and recreate in a petri dish, where we will all live once more. Or maybe we're all going to heaven. Whatever. It doesn't even matter how. It doesn't even matter if. It only matters that you decide death does not actually exist.

And you might say, But Dean, that doesn't make sense. You're living in a fantasy world.

To which I respond, Shhhhhhh. Don't wake the baby. The baby is sleeping. The baby is sleeping, and dreaming of a rainbow. And there upon the rainbow is the answer to our neverending story.



Oh, but just for the record, the guy who say that we shouldn't have to pay taxes just because it's not in the Constitution or whatever is obviously a crazy person.

Q: Is it Wednesday already?

A: Wow, it totally is. Huh. I should probably think of something to post.

If you hadn't already noticed, Google Checkout is offering a $10 coupon to anyone who signs up before February 15th. You can use it at Starbucks or Buy.com or Toys R Us or a bunch of other places.

Or, hey, you can use it to buy that URL you've always wanted. It would usually cost you $10/year, but with the bonus, it'll be free. Start a stupid blog of your own! In fact, thisismystupidblog.com is still ripe for the plucking.

It's ten 'til imaginary doomsday. Do you know where your imaginary children are?

IN OTHER NEWS: Remember that apocalypse I warned you about? Well, it turns out we really are getting close to doomsday -- as proved by a bunch of geeky University of Chicago scientists and their stupid-ass imaginary clock. I guess they got bored with doing actual science.

Q: Can chimps chat?

A: The Smithsonian ran a cool story in its November issue, "Speaking Bonobo," about the language comprehension skills of Kanzi, a bonobo ape at Des Moines, Iowa's Great Ape Trust. According to Sue Savage-Rumbaugh, the psychologist who trained him, Kanzi can understand 3,000 spoken English words (including 348 he can identify on a special symbol-based keyboard).

Kanzi pushes the button for "Consciousness is a curse"

If you watched much Reading Rainbow as a kid, like I did, I'm sure you remember Koko's Kitten, about the real-life story of Koko the gorilla, whose trainers taught her remedial sign language. Koko signed "cat" repeatedly to ask for a kitten for her birthday, and then signs assorted :( words after (SPOILER ALERT!!!!!) her kitten is mowed down by a car.

You probably remember it as the day you were introduced to the concept of death by LaVar Burton, and/or the saddest goddamn thing you've ever seen. And so you might not be entirely surprised by Kanzi's language abilities. But check this out:

She and her colleagues have been testing the bonobos' ability to express their thoughts vocally, rather than by pushing buttons. In one experiment she described to me, she placed Kanzi and Panbanisha, his sister, in separate rooms where they could hear but not see each other. Through lexigrams, Savage-Rumbaugh explained to Kanzi that he would be given yogurt. He was then asked to communicate this information to Panbanisha. "Kanzi vocalized, then Panbanisha vocalized in return and selected 'yogurt' on the keyboard in front of her," Savage-Rumbaugh tells me.

In other words, not only can Kanzi "understand" (or at least recognize) the word "yogurt," he can also communicate "yogurt" in ape-speak! Totally awesome. (I mean, assuming this isn't a scam or whatever; I'm curious as to what other experiments the psychologists have run, and whether or not they've been successful.)

Bonobos: 'WE FUCKIN' LOVE YOGURT!!!'

MORE: "Speaking Bonobo" complements a larger feature, "The Smart and Swinging Bonobo," exploring the endangered status of these violent, horny, and all around adorable primates. Plus, see the Web exclusive "Bonobo Paradise," a.k.a. MTV Cribs: Lola Ya Bonobo.

DID YOU KNOW? Calling a monkey "chimp" is totally racist. "Chimp" is short, of course, for chimpanzee, and chimpanzees (including bonobos, a.k.a., pygmy chimpanzees) are apes, not monkeys. Don't get them confused, or you'll look like a dumb Polack.

VOTE: For LaVar Burton as the Best Children's TV Host in the World. Reading Rainbow totally rules! But you don't have to take my word for it...