Q: Dixit? I barely even know it!

A: I know I've already covered lame sex researchers this month, but then I found this Psychology Today story on the front page of reddit, and not only is it even lamer than the last one, but author Jay Dixit has the gaul to claim "the answers may surprise you." T.A.M.S.Y. will be the judge of that, Jay Dixit.

Mixed in with the pseudoscience and old news, though, was one stat that actually did manage to surprise me. If it's true. Which, how can it be?

But the truth is that HIV isn't nearly as easy to spread through heterosexual sex as many people think. According to a study in the Journal of the American Medical Association, men almost never get HIV from women. A healthy man who has unprotected sex with a non drug-using woman has a one in 5 million chance of getting HIV. If he wears a condom, the odds drop to one in 50 million. And though it's easier for men to infect women, the odds that an HIV-positive man will transmit the virus to a woman through sex are less than one in 1,000.

I know the American Medical Association is full of crackpots and everything, but this seems like a stretch, even for them. How were 2.7 million Sub-Saharan Africans infected with HIV in 2005 without having sex, like, 300 trillion times?

EARLIER: Why is Dr. Alfred Kinsey rolling in his grave?

Q: Why is Dr. Alfred Kinsey not rolling in his grave?

Dr. Kinsey: Gives this study an F.

A: Because today's sex researchers are a total snooze. Look, if scientists have to put out a survey to establish that "men were less discriminating when it came to deciding who to kiss or who to have sex with," either they don't get out enough or they're reading too much College Callgirl.

Out of pure spite, I ran my own, much better study, surveying over six billion people on a number of issues. Here are some of my findings:

• Men are from Mars, whereas women tend to be from Venus.
  
• Men are more likely to leave the toilet seat up, but women take longer to get ready.
• Women often prefer shopping to watching sporting events on television. Take my wife. Please!
• Some guy who writes for Slate is better at math than some lady who writes for the New York Times.
• Black people are generally better than white people at basketball.
• Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina.
• Please, give me back my wife.

Q: Are you there, Margaret? It's me, remote-controlled spy drone

A: For the price of just $1,000 per month, you too can lord over your very own police state! Thanks, modern technology!

RELATED: The next time you hear someone whining about how oh boo hoo Google took photos of me buying porn, refer them to this little-known fact¹: Scientists estimate that, by the year 2010, having sex in a room with windows will be the same thing as doing porn. And it's not going to be Google's fault.

¹ And by "little-known fact" I mean "unsubstantiated claim." BUT COME ON IT'S PROBABLY TRUE.

Q: Aren't you forgetting something, Facebook?

A: I really enjoy Facebook's sponsored polls, for their delightful combination of the unscientific and the idiotic. Except for today's, which is riveting.

Sponsored by Durex, presumably.

Still, I'm sort of confused because my answer, "Getting syphilis," isn't even offered. So I'm sponsoring my own poll, right here on the T.A.M.S.Y. sidebar. Remember to come back Monday for the results!

(OH GOD!!!, that's exactly what Planned Parenthood says in all my night terrors.)

Q: Oh Mary, can ah run ye hame? (or, What's the meaning of "Cod Liver Oil and Orange Juice"?)

A: Currently in constant rotation, between my iTunes and my brain, is "Cod Liver Oil and Orange Juice," an ode to drunken hookups performed in 1966 by Scottish folk-revivalist Hamish Imlach. Between the Scot slang and Imlach's Glaswegian accent, I barely know what half the song means, and yet I find it entirely irresistible.

Hamish Imlach
Cod Liver Oil and Orange Juice
Hamish Imlach [OOP], 1966

I'm still getting a bunch of hits for my post on the history and meaning of "For What It's Worth", so I thought it might be useful to do the same for "Cod Liver Oil..." But after Googling (and Urban Dictionary-ing) around for a while, I discovered that extensive annotations are already available. Thanks, the Internet!

According to those notes, the song evolved as a take-off of an American spiritual song, "Virgin Mary Had a Little Baby"; the Mary in "Cod Liver Oil" gets pregnant by entirely non-immaculate means in a slum basement. As may be obvious to Brits and/or old people, cod liver oil and orange juice was a concoction commonly served to promote the health of pregnant women and children during WWII. The cod-liver cocktail is still recommended for sufferers of arthritis, and still tastes terrible.


The song is one of many reasons to check out the wonderfully eclectic Transatlantic Story, a four-disc anthology compiling highlights from a British label, Transatlantic Records, that was a favorite of hippies and other drug addicts in the 60s and 70s. The set is apparently out of print, but it's available via Amazon Marketplace for a cool $20.88.

Q: When did New Orleans become so watered down?

A: Wait, let me rephrase that. When did New Orleans become such so sanitized? Look: Larry Flynt Says He’s Found Five Hookers ‘So Far’ Who Had Sex with Sen. Vitter in New Orleans

Has it really come to this? Are no Big Easy politicians killing their hookers anymore?

It's a disgrace, I tells you.

Q: Why do you look so confused?

A: In this world, nothing can be said to be as confusing as women and taxes.

Q: Really, Los Angeles Times? Did you have to go with "explodes"?

A: And don't even think about trying to pin this one on Brian Grazer.

LA TIMES: Rate of drug-resistant gonorrhea explodes

Q: Is Gov. Ted Strickland the greatest thing to happen to Ohio since Devo?

A: Yes. Not counting T.A.M.S.Y., obvs.

PLAIN DEALER: Ohio could become 8th state to reject abstinence-only money

Ohio might become the eighth state to reject federal money for abstinence-only sex education — a decision that public-policy groups say is part of a nationwide shift toward more-comprehensive sex-ed programs.

Gov. Ted Strickland last week proposed phasing out federal grants for abstinence-only instruction, following the lead of governors in California, Connecticut, Maine, Montana, New Jersey, Rhode Island and Wisconsin. [Wait, Montana? Really? Montana? I mean, good for you, Montana, but — really? Montana? Like Montana Montana? Really? -- t.a.m.s.y.]

"The abstinence-only approach has seen its day, and the support's really waning," said Bill Smith, vice president for public policy at the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States in Washington, D.C.

Incidentally, "I'm vice president for public policy at the Sexuality Information and Education Council, and baby, the abstinence-only approach has seen its day," is a pick-up line I've been using since the late '80s.

Anyway, three cheers for Ohio joining the few states with the cajones to acknowledge that it's foolish (not to mention anti-democratic) to base any curriculum on a policy of suppressing information. I don't know how you did things back in Soviet Russia, but this is America, baby.

The fact remains: No matter how tightly you clamp shut your eyes, how deeply into your ears you dig your fingers, or how loudly or longly you croon "Michael, Row the Boat Ashore," ignoring human nature isn't going to make it disappear. I'm sorry if you find that depressing. But deal with it already.

Devo
Uncontrollable Urge
Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Devo!, 1978

(Incidentally, "I don't know how you did things back in Soviet Russia, but this is America, baby," is a pick-up line I've been using since the late '80s.)

---

OH, AND ABOUT MONTANA: I almost forgot that Montana's Gov. Brian Schweitzer, is one of them CUH-RAZY politicians who bases his opinions on facts rather than pandering. He's also, surprisingly, a Democrat — elected to govern a conservative state whose voters had grown weary of Republican ineptitude. In other words, his stance on sex ed isn't the only thing he has in common with Strickland.

EARLIER: Is Ted Strickland secretly into musical theater?

Q: Worst Internet porn search ever?

A: Approximately 99.99999% of this site's daily traffic can be traced back to very confused people and their ill-fated searches for pornography. After extensive scientific research, Hot chair-on-chair action.I've discovered the reason for this to be that The Answer May Surprise You is a Web site on the Internet.

I do check in on my SiteMeter now and then, just because I like to keep apprised of exactly what sorts of porn my readers are disappointed not to find. The prurient Google searches that erroneously lead to T.A.M.S.Y. commonly involve some combination of acts involving Alice the Snorg Tees model, Anne Hathaway, Lily Allen's 100% natural breasts, gay cowboys and/or Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Every now and then, someone out there discovers a new and unique path to not finding porn here — a search string so dimwittedly arousing, it can only lead to T.A.M.S.Y.

On that note, I'm pleased to announce that I've just uncovered what is surely the most adorably doomed porn hunt in the history of sexually explicit imagery. When it comes to bad Internet porn searches (as it so often does), this reader in New Delhi really takes the cake:


Did I say "takes the cake"? I'd like to amend that to "burns down the Cheesecake Factory." Somewhere in India, a bewildered adolescent is desperately in need of a serious talk. Or a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves, or a Playboy or something.

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RELATED: I wanted to have a talk with you all about the birds and the bees, but then I remembered that the birds are dead and the bees disappeared. I think Mother Nature is trying to tell us to stop touching one another. One step ahead of you, Mother Nature!

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POSTSCRIPT: It is perhaps worthy of note that the aforementioned bewildered Indian uses Microsoft Internet Explorer (version 6.0, no less). The 46.7% of my readers who still use Explorer for their Web browsing should consider this a wake-up call: IE is for people who need photographs to deduce where they put their pennis in women.

FWIW, T.A.M.S.Y recommends Firefox. For the love of God, please upgrade.

Q: How did Willy Loman bag such a hot, hot wife?

A: This is an actual screenshot of an actual ad I saw on an actual Web site:


You'd think the "Get a bigger cock!" was enough of a selling point on its own — but the manufacturers of this fine, totally non-fraudulent product (or method, or surgery, or religion, or whatever the "Lomans way" is) take it one step further:

Get your hands off of our sex symbol, you Commie bastard!

They're going to make you or your man a new man by Friday, man. And not inches. We're talking SIZES here — SEVENTEEN OF 'EM. You're going to have to buy your pennis a whole new wardrobe.

It's probably a good thing that Willy Loman died the death of a salesman. He never would have been able to hack it as an advertiser in this crazy, crazy world we call the Internets.

But even if the ad above explains why Linda Loman was so supportive of her crazyface husband, I still don't get how a writerly type like Arthur Miller ever reeled in Marilyn Monroe.

Dan Bern
Marilyn
Dan Bern, 1997

Maybe he was like her K-Fed, except if K-Fed won the Pulitzer. Oh, Marilyn died of crazy the year after their divorce. Just, you know, putting that out there.

RELATED: While you're waiting for your little Willy Loman to grow seventeen sizes, read about how, contrary to commonly referenced trivia, Marilyn Monroe was not really a size 16.

Q: Cincinnati, Ohio — wholesome and pure, or down to your yin-yang in poontang?

POINT: There ain't no sin in Cincinnati
since I been in Cincinnati
I gotta get out of Cincinnati
or else I'll go plumb dumb
and batty...

One Ring Zero
Natty Man Blues
As Smart as We Are: The Authors Project, 2004

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COUNTERPOINT: Talk about poontang!

Right down to your yin-yang!
Down by the banks of the O-Hi-O!

Roogalator
Cincinnati Fatback
Play It by Ear, 1977

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CREDITS: Original Cincinnati skyline pic pilfered from Flickr user ~Jana~. Point/counterpoint humor pilfered from The Onion.

The lyrics to the excellent "Natty Man Blues" are by author Paul Auster. And if you ever have the chance to see Brooklyn's One Ring Zero play live, DO IT.

Q: Can you extract me from my plastic fantasy?

A: I didn't think so but I'm still convinceable...

An ex-girlfriend introduced me to the Dresden Dolls' "Coin-Operated Boy" last year. I think she meant it as an insult, but whatever — I love it! So I was glad to discover just now, via Table of Malcontents, that it was made into a video.



The video's two years old and not necessarily amazing, but I'm posting it anyway because (a) the song itself's irresistible and (b) T.A.M.S.Y. hearts fuckable robots.

Q: Are True.com girls giving it out for free?

Advertisement:

Subliminal message:

Happy VD, beyotches.

NEXT. Q: Do True.com girls have lingering daddy issues?

-- UPDATED 4/7/08

Q: How did Ted Haggard un-catch gay?

A: In case you missed yesterday's fabulous, fabulous news, the Rev. Ted Haggard has been totally de-gayified, after an "intensive" three-week program in Arizona. From the Denver Post:

[The Rev. Tim] Ralph said three weeks of counseling at an undisclosed Arizona treatment center helped Haggard immensely and left Haggard sure of one thing.

"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

The Rev. Ted Haggard: 'I'm gonna wash that gay right outta my hair...'

Now, you might be confused by this process of "acting-out situations where things took place." Like you, I originally took it to mean Haggard was forcibly blown by meth dealers until they were able to suck the gay right out of him. Which struck me as unconventional, at best; in all the reading I've done on the subject (e.g., in the revered medical journal Gayectomy Monthly), I'd never come across a theory for curing homosexuality that involved such rampant homosexuality.

Well, I made some calls to my network of mountain reverends and undisclosed Arizona treatment centers, and it turns out I misunderstood. When Ralph referred to "acting-out situations," he meant acting in the literal sense. As in, community theater.

Remember: Last summer, Brokeback Mountain was irrefutably linked to having turned everyone gay (as reported by some of our nation's finest news sources, and Fleshbot). But if that's true, which it is, doesn't it stand to reason that watching Brokeback Mountain in reverse would turn everyone straight? The only logical answer is yes.

It was a similar stroke of brilliance that led Haggard's doctors to test out a revolutionary and more powerful new treatment: First, to have a group of gay men watch Brokeback backwards repeatedly; and then, to give them three weeks to adapt it to the stage, and mount it as part of the renowned Tempe Experimental Christian Theater Festival.

As you probably guessed, the project proved to be an unqualified success -- theologically, medically, artistically and most of all, heterosexually.

Haggard, left, prepares for the confusing backwards tent scene.

Not only did Kcabekorb Niatnuom sweep the festival's audience awards (including an honor for Haggard himself in the category "Least Homoerotic Performance by a Male Reverend"), but it also turned the entire cast completely straight. Which is good news for them, because otherwise, they wouldn't have been allowed to go home.

Unfortunately, because the recovery process involved community theater, Haggard is still considered gay by the U.S. military. All in all, though, the man can only feel encouraged by his progress. Consider that many people struggle with addiction for decades -- hell, Barack Obama can barely quit smoking. And yet it took Haggard just three weeks to kick one of the world's most powerful addictions, that of having sex with men who aren't your wife.

At this rate, Ted should be able to get off the meth in, oh, five days, tops.

---

RELATED: Andrew Sullivan remains skeptical, not to mention aroused. But c'mon, what does Sullivan know about being gay that xenophobic Midwestern evangelicals don't?

PLUS: Did Brokeback turn you gay? | Meth humor, cont.

Q: "How do I explain to a mom that her kid has herpes forever?"

Wrestling: Now even more like gay intercourse.

A: That's the question posed by Owatonna High School coach Scot Davis after a herpes outbreak forced a suspension of Minnesota's HS wrestling season. Awwwwwwkward.

I don't mean to make light of this story, but it's hard to hold back when the sidebar is headlined "South Dakota on herpes alert." Anyhoo, Scot, the best I can tell you is to go ask Alice.

On the bright side, it's only showing up on wrestlers' head, neck and face, which basically makes it like a really bad cold sore. Just remind everyone not to make love to the team from Rochester, and you should be just fine.

EARLIER: Are you a kitten with herpes?

Q: What is the most infuriating story you'll read in 2007?

A: It's still early, and there's plenty of 2007 left to be infuriated by, but I doubt you'll come across a story more absurdly, pointlessly horrible than that of Genarlow Wilson, the African-American former honor student currently serving a 10-year prison sentence for having received a blow job from a 15-year-old when he was 17.

No, you didn't misread that. Wilson's been in prison two years already.

Journalist Wright Thompson has the whole story, currently parked front and center on ESPN.com (and getting the bejeezus dugg out of it on Digg -- for the second time in as many months). Read it and weep.

It's about time this story is drumming up the attention/indignation it deserves, and you have to believe/hope something will be done to grant Wilson his freedom, and soon. But until that day, all the coverage in the world can't possibly provide due consolation for a young man so ruthlessly hijacked by the justice system.

RELATED: I first discovered the Genarlow Wilson story last month in the New York Times, via this tangentially related Daniel Radosh post on the fascinating complexities of kiddie porn laws.

I've been meaning to bring these topics over to T.A.M.S.Y., but they're such a Pandora's box can of worms (see: the crazed long-windedness of my response to Radosh) that I kept putting it off. Misguided sex laws drive me absolutely insane. Now that I've brought this up, expect me to never shut up about it ever again.

Q: Is brain damage the new Viagra?

A: No, because you have to pay for Viagra. Brain damage is not only free, it's a potential gold mine.

• Injured man wins damages for sex overdrive [Reuters]

LONDON - A devout Christian who said an accident at work boosted his libido and wrecked his marriage as he turned to prostitutes and pornography was awarded more than 3 million pounds ($5.89 million) in damages Tuesday.

Stephen Tame, 29, from Suffolk, suffered severe head injuries in a fall, transforming him from a loyal newlywed into a "disinhibited" character who had two affairs.

The good news for Mr. Tame is that he'll have plenty of pocket money for hookers and blow. The bad news is...hold on, I'm still looking for the bad news. Oh, I guess you can count it as bad news that he'll suffer eternity in the Second Circle of Hell.

Virgil to Dante: "The girls in this place are totally easy."

Anyway, the next time you suffer a massive head trauma in the workplace, just think of it as a very lucrative time to have an affair. You'll be carousing all the way to the bank.

In related news, Scott Baio has announced that he will be suing God.

Q: Who's honoring me now?

A: Overheard in New York, the beloved east-coast reality blog, has awarded me runner-up for my vulgar entry to their latest headline contest. I thank them for the honor (and the subsequent boost to my SiteMeter). But let's face it, I totally should have won that thing, you fuckers.

To those of you visiting T.A.M.S.Y. for the first time, welcome. Also, I have a favor to ask you (specifically to those coming via Overhead's Livejournal feed): Do any of you have a paid LiveJournal account? Would you do me a favor and take thirty seconds to create a feed for this blog? Something like "tamsy" or "maysurprise" or whatever's not taken. I'll love you forever, stranger. Thanks.

UPDATE: A million thanks to novelist Sara Zarr for hooking me up with a LiveJournal feed! LiveJournalists can now receive the latest from T.A.M.S.Y. right on their friends page, RSS-style, via username maysurprise.

Ms. Zarr's debut novel, Story of a Girl, hits bookshelves next month. Word on the street is that it is excellent.

Q: Where's that goddamn Gwen Stefani you promised me?

A: It's here. Sorry. I got distracted.

So yeah, the new Gwen Stefani is The Sweet Escape, and it drops next Tuesday (at a T.A.M.S.Y. affiliate near you), but it leaked earlier this week. Kudos to whomever at Interscope managed to keep it under wraps until now. Try before you buy!

Gwen Stefani - "Wind it Up"
Interscope Records, 2006

"Wind it Up" is the first single -- and, okay, it's been out for a while, but Idolator beat me to the punch with "Yummy," the song I'd been meaning to share before I got busy with procrastinating.

They also beat me to the punch by noting how Gwen is inexplicably channeling Fergie. Which is like Madonna ripping off Cyndi Lauper. Except if Cyndi Lauper was only famous for ruining Run-DMC¹.

Following in the footsteps (or ladylump-steps) of "My Hump," "Wind it Up" and especially "Yummy" ascribe to the new school of pop best described as "minimalist fuck music." After several years of slutty dance hits that copped Basement Jaxx's frantic production style, the music industry has apparently realized that they can save millions of dollars by ditching those exorbitant sample fees and going acapella. What they've lost in complexity, they make up for in dirty talking.

The lovely lady lumps are alive with the sound of minimalist fuck music.

I was going to refer to minimalist fuck music as "post-Neptunes," except it turns out both these songs were produced by the Neptunes. Fancy that.

"Wind it Up" does lean heavily on one sample: "The Lonely Goatherd," that erotic paean to yodeling from The Sound of Music. I'm not sure what loneliness or goatherding has to do with anything else in this song, but suffice to say yodeling is very hip, having also been featured on Shakira's recent album².

So for those of you would-be hit producers, just remember that if you want to rocket to the top of the charts, I have three words for you: minimalist fuck yodeling.

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¹ Okay, fine, the Black Eyed Peas were never exactly Run-DMC. So if Cyndi Lauper had ruined the Fat Boys. Whatever.

² Shakira also likes The Sound of Music, except she's always disappointed by the part where they don't catch the Jews.