Q: Why do I hate the media?, pt. 7,593: Why do I hate the tech media?

A: Fake Steve Jobs sums it up nicely.

Q: Are you there, Margaret? It's me, remote-controlled spy drone

A: For the price of just $1,000 per month, you too can lord over your very own police state! Thanks, modern technology!

RELATED: The next time you hear someone whining about how oh boo hoo Google took photos of me buying porn, refer them to this little-known fact¹: Scientists estimate that, by the year 2010, having sex in a room with windows will be the same thing as doing porn. And it's not going to be Google's fault.

¹ And by "little-known fact" I mean "unsubstantiated claim." BUT COME ON IT'S PROBABLY TRUE.

Q: Are iPhone-hype jokes played out?

A: Eh, whatever.



Via the Fake Steve Jobs blog.

By the way, for those of you who live outside the Internet and hadn't heard: The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs is really fricking hilarious and simultaneously really fricking insightful (if you care about tech things even a little). I'd been avoiding it, because I thought it was strictly for Mac nerds, but it's actually entirely accessible and also brilliant. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, CNET has some background and an interview.

Q: The iPhone has already ended the Iraq war, cured cancer, and rescued thousands of kittens from burning homes — but will it blend?

A: Another entry from the In-Case-You-Missed-It Dept.:

[via WFMU and Sullivan and a kajillion other places]

Cheap thrills. (Oh, unless you're Haitian, in which case it's five years' salary worth of thrills. But then, Michael Bay's Transformers is approx. 1.5 million years' salary worth of thrills, so I suppose it's all relative.)

Q: How do I rip off the CoinStar machine that keeps ripping me off?

A: I found this tip via Boing Boing's Xeni Jardin, who writes, "I'm fairly certain this may not be legal, and it's posted here for technical analysis purposes only."

I should emphasize that T.A.M.S.Y. doesn't condone doing this either. In fact, I condone that anyone caught following these step-by-step instructions be savagely beaten.

1. Choose the iTunes gift card option.
2. Put in all your coins.
3. Unplug the machine's phone cord.
   
4. Select the option to have all your funds delivered via gift card.
5. Wait a few minutes while the machine tries to figure out what the hell happened to its online access.
6. The machine will spit out a receipt, which can be redeemed for cash money at the nearby cash register (bypassing the standard 9% fee).
7. Burn for eternity in hell.

I stole all of that from Anti Yawn, but I don't think he can complain, given the circumstances.

As far as I know, Roger is the only person who uses CoinStar machines. But don't make fun of him; he lives in Las Vegas, where it is culturally acceptable to pour money into machines that are openly ripping you off.

Q: Will rhymes that keep their secrets unfold behind the clouds?

A: For a few years there, I was very frightened of my own impending death. Not that I had a sense it was going to happen in the near future, or suddenly and without warning, even though I knew it might. Just the idea that it would happen at all. I was panicked by the concept of the finite, or our days being numbered, of the inevitable countdown that was part of every day of earth.

Most of all, I was very worried about who would maintain this blog, and whether my death would thus lead to the formation of a suicide cult six billion strong.

But then I got to thinking about how far we'd come in such a short period of time. A hundred years ago, who'd have known that one could soon travel 'round the globe in a matter of hours? Twenty years from now, who would have thought it'd be possible that we'd today be able to carry the entire Beatles, Rolling Stones and Elvis catalog on a metallic square smaller than a credit card? Think of the recent advancements in medical possibility: the Tommy John surgeries performed, the tiny cameras stuck into our orifices, the whatever else the medical industry is capable of these days.

And suddenly I realized something: All of these things seem commonplace now, and yet not too long ago, they would have appeared as unbelievable as immortality.

And then I read an article in an airline magazine about the scientific pursuit of immortality, and how it sought to find an explanation for why our cells get old and die. Because if you could create a means by which those cells regenerated themselves (for instance, tiny robotic cells replacing the natural ones or what have you), human beings wouldn't have to age or even die.

The only things in life that are certain are death and taxes, and possibly only taxes, and possibly not even taxes. Nothing is beyond the range of human possibility, and it was upon this belief that I have chosen to base my deluded bliss.

So when I saw this story on Digg, "If You're Alive in 20 years, you may be able to Live Forever," the only thing that struck me as unusual was that the person who posted it does not seem to understand the concept of capitalization. Granted, I have barely skimmed the headlines of the attached article — Human Immortality: A Scientific Reality? — nor do I plan to read it, as I'm sure it doesn't make a bit of goddamned sense.

Because it doesn't even matter. Maybe the key to immortality is not in the tiny robotic cells, or whatever else is in that article. Maybe it's a matter of mapping the human brain, and finding a way to back-up its contents like a hard drive. Or maybe time and space and energy and matter are themselves the hard drive; maybe we've left an indelible mark upon reality that the scientists of five hundred years from now will be able to trace and recreate in a petri dish, where we will all live once more. Or maybe we're all going to heaven. Whatever. It doesn't even matter how. It doesn't even matter if. It only matters that you decide death does not actually exist.

And you might say, But Dean, that doesn't make sense. You're living in a fantasy world.

To which I respond, Shhhhhhh. Don't wake the baby. The baby is sleeping. The baby is sleeping, and dreaming of a rainbow. And there upon the rainbow is the answer to our neverending story.



Oh, but just for the record, the guy who say that we shouldn't have to pay taxes just because it's not in the Constitution or whatever is obviously a crazy person.

Q: Prithee, tell me, how goes the blogosphere? (Also: Why RSS previews suck)

A: The blogosphere, I am delighted to report, is well and good and fair; for Andrew Sullivan, my very favorite gay conservative blogger (possibly my favorite blogger of any sexual orientation/political mindset) has moved from time.com to theatlantic.com, where he becomes Senior Editor.

Who gives a shit? I'm glad I asked! Those of you familiar with the exciting world of RSS know that, when setting up feeds, bloggers have the option of offering full posts or just previews of those posts. Almost all top blogs offer the first option (sometimes ad-supported, as with the Gawker Media empire's feeds¹). But Time Magazine switched to previews a few months ago, possibly because they believed it might prop up their failing business model to force subscribers to visit the site².

RSS previews are fine, I suppose, for stuff like the Comic Curmudgeon or the Perry Bible Fellowship, feeds that are only updated once daily or weekly. But with Sullivan's Daily Dish, which updates something like once every seven minutes³, it completely eliminates the concept of what's supposed to be Really Simple Syndication. Why do through the trouble of opening a new tab every time a Sullivan item came through my Google Reader, when I can view all the day's items just by visiting his site? And so I'd canceled my Sullivan subscription; and then invariably neglected to visit his site, on account of laziness.

Thankfully, the Atlantic Monthly is smart enough to realize that, in the democracy that is Web 2.0, you'll always be better off in the long run by keeping the users' best interests in mind. And so Sullivan is back to full RSS posts (good news for me), back on my reading list (good news for those of you who like to check in with my Recommended Reading), and back in my heart (GREAT news for Andrew Sullivan).

Some notable recent items from A.S.' D.D.:

• Hugh Hewitt is starting to address the fact that the U.S. condones and practices torture — and only a few years late.
• The prospect of "President Giuliani" excites Republicans, disgusts New Yorkers.
  
• Showcased by Sullivan "for Valentine's Day" without commentary (or advance warning), this prize-winning wedding portrait of a Marine recently returned from Iraq confronts viewers with the grotesque realities of war.
• No, Sullivan's posts aren't always pretty, but he's not milking the horror for shock value. The Daily Dish simply presents the world as it is: sometimes funny, but often just awful.

---

¹ Ad-supported RSS feeds will probably become much more prevalent, once AdSense finally makes available its feed-based code (which has been in private beta for nearly two years). And as goes Google, so goes everybody trying to compete with Google. The good news is, I hope, that the uptick in RSS advertising might help to eliminate the use of previews-only feeds altogether.
² Time Magazine is not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer when it comes to technology; just look at their hideous favicon (and yes, I am a huge nerd — as if I hadn't already made that clear).
³ Speaking of which: Has Andrew Sullivan cloned himself? How does a man hold down a Senior Editor position while simultaneously being the most prolific blogger on Earth?

Q: Is the D-Wave quantum computer going to BLOW YOUR MIND?

A: Yes! Or maybe! Or possibly there's no way in hell.

Such is the level of excitement/confusion/indifference surrounding D-Wave Systems, Inc.'s plans to unveil Earth's first-ever quantum computer. Which is totally going to change the world, pending its actually existing.

• Quantum computer to debut next Tuesday [engadget]
• And via D-Wave's index page:
  

Wish I could make it to the paradigm shift,
but my only transport is a Segway.

That's the competitive edge that comes with working in a business that no one outside of M.I.T. understands: Your product could be complete horseshit, but as long as you can put together a sufficiently confusing Power Point presentation, a lot of millionaires will invest in you anyway.

I'm not saying the quantum computer is all hype; I'm also not saying it's not all hype. What I'm saying is, thank God one of my faithful readers went to M.I.T.

So Jordan, if you're out there, please explain quantum physics, the future of computing, and whether or not this thing is just hype in, oh, 50 words or less. Note: If the D-Wave 16-qubit processor significantly increases the chances of our being enslaved by robots before 2010, you can expand that to 100 words.

Q: Can an awesome ad make even an inferior product tempting?

A: Yuh huh.

<span style="font-weight: bold;">IF YOU CAN READ THIS, you're not watching this. Visit TAMSY.</span>

I like a lot of things about this, but mostly just that Microsoft is hiring Dutch pornographers to film its commercials.

Q: How can I get invited to an elite BitTorrent tracker? You know, the really good shit?

A: You have to know a guy. Or know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy. It's kind of like with drugs, except not illegal, except, no wait, it's illegal. Point being, it's not all that simple.

Except today -- and today only -- it is exactly all that simple. The normally invitation-only [redacted] is temporarily offering open sign-ups, in a fleeting moment of yuletide good will.

It's like how Scrooge brought Tiny Tim all those gifts and a turkey, just because he was filled with Christmas spirit! Oh, and because he'd been viciously terrorized by the dead. In this case, though, it's more like if he'd given Tiny Tim an eighth of shrooms and taught him how to hotwire cars.

Of course, I don't have a [redacted] account, because I'm not a criminal. But that shouldn't stop you from getting in on the hot, hot-wiring action.

And if you have no idea what BitTorrent is, but you've heard the kids talking about it and you're curious, here's a beginner's guide (or if you like a challenge, Wikipedia has the complicated version).

The only software you'll need to get started is the phenomenal µTorrent, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise (unless you're a Mac user, in which case, I don't know, let Jordan tell you otherwise).

TECH-BIZ: It's not exactly the newest of news, but did you hear BitTorrent^TM used some of its nouveau richeness to acquire µTorrent? I have nothing new to add, except: Here's hoping they don't screw it up.

Q: Why is tomorrow going to be the T.A.M.S.Y.-est day ever?

Q: I'm devoting tonight to tagging, finally, T.A.M.S.Y.'s archives (most of which were written prior to Blogger's implementing tags) -- but as I mentioned before, this might cause some annoyances for those who subscribe to my RSS feed.

As loyal reader and tech guru Jordan pointed out, one semi-workaround would be to post a bunch of new material in an effort to elbow the old stuff out of the way.

So tomorrow, I'm going to shatter all kinds of personal records with a guaranteed full day of blogging: one post per hour, from 8AM to 4PM. Expect plenty of titillating links, prostrate hotties, new music and old jokes. I encourage you to blow off work constantly, lest you fall behind.

I'm also going to install a tag cloud, if such a thing is currently possible (as of this writing, TagCloud.com remains smothered under the weight of its own success).

Q: What's the 411?

A: The 411 is no longer 411, unless you just enjoy making donations to your phone company.

Next time you need directory assistance, try 1-800-FREE-411. You'll save yourself a couple bucks or more, which you can then lose gambling. Meanwhile, the CEO of Verizon will have to wait an extra few days before installing that fourth jacuzzi. Hurray!

I just tested the service for the first time. Very handy. Two small complaints, People Who Run 1-800-Free-411: (1) Don't waste nine precious seconds explaining to me how to use 411, for the love of God. I'm a busy man, in theory. (2) Your voice recognition system could use a bit of tweaking (although they have operators on hand if the robot woman fails to understand a single goddamn word, as it did for me).

And if you're wondering how they can afford to run a service that charges you zero dollars: Good question, and I have no idea. Supposedly there are ads involved, but I didn't hear any.

UPDATE: They added ads now, and they are truly horrible. No, you idiots, I don't want to order flowers, I just want to call the fricking grocery store!!! So much for this nugget of consumer advice.

Anyway, life is full of strange little mysteries. For instance, why is it that I've been calling 1-800-555-TELL to get live sports scores and extensive recaps for four years, and yet I've never (a) met anyone else who knows what it is, (b) seen it advertised or even referenced anywhere, nor (c) figured out why they run a service with zero revenue and an audience of one? Maybe they just love me. And really, WHO CAN BLAME THEM???

UPDATE #2: What the hell? After four glorious years of freedom, they added ads to 800-555-TELL, too. When will I learn to keep my big, stupid mouth shut? (To be fair, the "Tell Me" ads are considerably shorter and less rage-inducing.)

Q: Am I going to win a Nintendo Wii?

A: Yes. There's really no surprise here; I am simply going to win this contest, using my heretofore untapped skills in camera-phone photoblogging.

The only question is what my award-winning story should be about. Any ideas?

Keep in mind, the entries are going to be voted on by nerds, so there'll have to be (1) references to how the PlayStation 3 sucks, (2) references to how the Zune sucks, (3) use of the word "pwnage," and (4) hot girls.

On a related note, I just downloaded the Opera Mini Web browser onto my Sony Ericsson, and it's pretty sweet (and extremely easy to use). If you use your cell phone to access the Internet (or if you want to), check it out. Aside from the ostensibly pointless photo-sharing capabilities, it also features a handy RSS reader.

Use it to subscribe T.A.M.S.Y.'s hand-picked news wire, so you'll always have me around to control what you're allowed to look at. It'll be just like dating me!

On a related note, I just discovered that The Answer May Surprise You is available on the mobile Internet. Who knew!? Just Google "tamsy" from Opera Mini's homepage, or look for the link on simakis.com. If you're ever trapped under a collapsed building, now you how to use what little remains of your cellular battery.

Q: Why can't I download those frickin' Wilco songs?

A: Because eSnips institutes a maximum daily bandwidth limit they forgot to tell me about. I guess you get what you pay for.

I'll try to figure out a workaround before Monday. In the meantime, if you notice any of the mp3 links on this blog are dead, it just means I'm shifting resources. Try again later.

UPDATE: Here, in the meantime, check out the Wilco-influenced twang of Ours to Destroy. I don't know anything about this band -- other than that their PR people bid a good amount of money on the keyword "Wilco" -- but the song "Skipping Rope of Daisies," which I just streamed off their site, is entirely decent.

Q: Have you heard the new Wilco album?

Wilco: Swathes itself entirely in dulcet earth tones.

A: Probably not, since it doesn't exist yet. Thanks, though, to the keen detective skills of music blogger Jesse Jarnow, fans can get a pseudo-preview of Wilco's forthcoming disc via a series of live tracks culled from around the Internets.

Jesse's homespun compilation recently received some link love from Pitchfork and Stereogum -- which tapped out his music sharing bandwidth. Since T.A.M.S.Y. has more public storage space than we know what to do with, I offered to host the tunes for him (and he was kind enough to repay me with some link love of his own).

Here's the full collection:

[UPDATE: Why can't I download those frickin' Wilco songs?]

1. Let's Not Get Carried Away (24 November, Auditorium Theatre)
2. Side With the Seeds (25 November, Auditorium Theatre)
3. What Light (24 November, Auditorium Theatre)
4. Shake It Off (24 November, Auditorium Theatre)
5. Impossible Germany (24 November, Auditorium Theatre)
6. On and On and On (22 September 2005, Cain's Ballroom)
7. Lullaby For Rafter and Beams (Tweedy solo, 27 October, Foellinger Auditorium)
8. Patient With Me (Tweedy solo, 27 October, Foellinger Auditorium)
9. Walken (24 November, Auditorium Theatre)
10. Let's Fight (16 July, Pines Theater)
11. Is That The Thanks I Get? (Tweedy solo, 27 October, Foellinger Auditorium)
12. Maybe The Sun Will Shine Today (date unknown)

On a related note, I have some good news surrounding Stop, Children, What's that Sound?, my ongoing series of free mp3s. In the past, I've hosted songs on the free space provided for my GooglePages site --but I was forced to reshuffle the lineup constantly, since it's limited to 100MBs (plus 10MBs per file).

Those disappearing mp3 links, though, are a thing of the past, now that I've discovered the awesomeness of eSnips -- a free service that grants its users an entire gigabyte (and up to 50MBs per file) for both private and public storage!

Sign up for your own eSnips account and start a music blog of your own. Meanwhile, keep an eye on my eSnips music folder, and you can get your hands on all T.A.M.S.Y.-approved tunes without having to wade through my shitty blogging.

Q: Oh Greeks, what didn't you invent!?!

The PDA of antiquity: Technically superior to MySpace

A: The Antikythera Mechanism may have already surprised you:

An Ancient Computer Surprises Scientists [NYT].