Q: How did Ted Haggard un-catch gay?

A: In case you missed yesterday's fabulous, fabulous news, the Rev. Ted Haggard has been totally de-gayified, after an "intensive" three-week program in Arizona. From the Denver Post:

[The Rev. Tim] Ralph said three weeks of counseling at an undisclosed Arizona treatment center helped Haggard immensely and left Haggard sure of one thing.

"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing."

The Rev. Ted Haggard: 'I'm gonna wash that gay right outta my hair...'

Now, you might be confused by this process of "acting-out situations where things took place." Like you, I originally took it to mean Haggard was forcibly blown by meth dealers until they were able to suck the gay right out of him. Which struck me as unconventional, at best; in all the reading I've done on the subject (e.g., in the revered medical journal Gayectomy Monthly), I'd never come across a theory for curing homosexuality that involved such rampant homosexuality.

Well, I made some calls to my network of mountain reverends and undisclosed Arizona treatment centers, and it turns out I misunderstood. When Ralph referred to "acting-out situations," he meant acting in the literal sense. As in, community theater.

Remember: Last summer, Brokeback Mountain was irrefutably linked to having turned everyone gay (as reported by some of our nation's finest news sources, and Fleshbot). But if that's true, which it is, doesn't it stand to reason that watching Brokeback Mountain in reverse would turn everyone straight? The only logical answer is yes.

It was a similar stroke of brilliance that led Haggard's doctors to test out a revolutionary and more powerful new treatment: First, to have a group of gay men watch Brokeback backwards repeatedly; and then, to give them three weeks to adapt it to the stage, and mount it as part of the renowned Tempe Experimental Christian Theater Festival.

As you probably guessed, the project proved to be an unqualified success -- theologically, medically, artistically and most of all, heterosexually.

Haggard, left, prepares for the confusing backwards tent scene.

Not only did Kcabekorb Niatnuom sweep the festival's audience awards (including an honor for Haggard himself in the category "Least Homoerotic Performance by a Male Reverend"), but it also turned the entire cast completely straight. Which is good news for them, because otherwise, they wouldn't have been allowed to go home.

Unfortunately, because the recovery process involved community theater, Haggard is still considered gay by the U.S. military. All in all, though, the man can only feel encouraged by his progress. Consider that many people struggle with addiction for decades -- hell, Barack Obama can barely quit smoking. And yet it took Haggard just three weeks to kick one of the world's most powerful addictions, that of having sex with men who aren't your wife.

At this rate, Ted should be able to get off the meth in, oh, five days, tops.

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PLUS: Did Brokeback turn you gay? | Meth humor, cont.