Q: Do video games cause violence?

A:  Somebody else made this chart, using stats from the Dept. of Justice):


The biggest surprise here is the number of murders caused by Super Mario Bros. 2.

Q: Need a Sony PS3 or Nintendo Wii before Christmas?

A: If you happen to read this in, oh, the next 40 minutes or so, run, do not walk, to Amazon.com and sign up for the chance to be randomly selected for the opportunity to buy that Wii/PlayStation that your child/boyfriend/mother/self has been asking for.

UPDATE: For the record, your chances of being selected are approximately fricking terrible.

[click to enlarge]

On the bright side, who knew it was so easy to get a letter into the New York Times? Your precious little Timmy's Christmas is probably ruined, but I'm sure he'll feel much better once he reads your acerbic rebuke of David Brooks.

OH, ANDBYTHEWAY: If you missed out on the video game consoles, consider getting your loved ones gift certificates -- thousands and thousands of dollars of Amazon gift certificates. Amazon GCs are, after all, the gift that keeps on giving.

By which I mean I receive 6% in referral fees of whatever you spend. So BUY BUY BUY! I need booze.

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Q: Great dad, or total dick?

Coal humor: This time of year, it's a popular punchline.

Some dude on eBay is selling an empty box for the Nintendo Wii [UPDATE: Auction cancelled, unsurprisingly]. These sorts of things are usually scams targetting drunks, but in this case, the thinking behind the sale is made quite clear:

I have kids that have been real bad that last couple of years, especially during Christmas time. They would yell and scream and whine every single day for some expensive present that i absolutely refuse to buy but they eventually get because their mom buys it for them. All those years i've had the idea of just buying the box of the toy but have nothing in them and giving it to my kids.

Well, last Christmas, that was what i did. They had desperately wanted a Nintendo GAMECUBE that i refused. They'd been misbehaving throughout the year and i was not going to give in to their demands. But, I was smarter this year. I knew my wife was going to get it for them since they were getting to be pretty cheap so i pretended to give in. I bought an actual brand new GameCube and showed it to my wife so she wouldnt go out and buy another one. She was happy! The next day i opened it up and took out the actual system and cables and everything and donated it to the children's shelter. Put some rocks to weigh down the empty box and wrapped it neatly in wrapping paper and stuck it under the tree. My wife was so proud of me.

Christmas day came and my kids were so excited, like they somehow knew they were gonna get the GameCube. They unwrapped my present frantically. The look on their face when they see their dream toy followed by their crushed faces when they find out there was NOTHING in them and the HORRIFIED face of my wife while i laugh hysterically had beaten ANY Christmas present i'd ever gotten. They cried and cried while hugging the walls like they were being tortured. Imagine that N64 kid on YouTube...

...then imagine Jesus in Passion of the Christ.

Now guess what? my kids actually have been pretty well behaved this year so i ended up getting them an early christmas present, the Nintendo Wii.

I could not get off my mind, however, they countless parents in the U.S. that have bratty whiny little kids this year that would love to see them crushed in the heart as they find out their present is empty. Now it's time to pass the torch. What an ultimate lesson this would be to teach your kids to behave. I guarantee they will learn from this and be a whole lot better next year.

I am donating 20% of the total final auction price to the CHILD ABUSE PREVENTION FOUNDATION. I am strongly against physical child abuse but temporary emotional damage is a-ok with me.

A: I can't decide for sure, but I'm leaning heavily towards the latter. Suffice to say, this probably won't inspire a piece in Wondertime.

Q: Is this cruelty to animals?

A: No -- it's COOL-ty to animals!!!!!!



Also, someone in Asia has too much free time. Or possibly everyone in Asia -- between the live-action hamster video games, the robot-bukkake cartoons, the psychedelic game shows and the South Korean labor camps, it's like the whole continent is addicted to WTF.